Sometimes it's just to QUIET!
Well here we are another Holiday weekend to try to get through on my own. I just keep telling myself for each Holiday I get through it's one more step toward healing. Sometimes I wonder who i'm actually trying to convince. It's like all the other Mantras I have to keep repeating to myself everyday. One day I would like a life with out Mantras and Rituals or Special Little Sayings that I say to myself to help me get through. I always thank God for each day and I try to recognize my blessings and good things in my life in the mist of all this pain and sorrow. Maybe some days I don't want to say " Go out and make it a great day T" or " Look at what he left what a complete IDIOT" " Karma is a BITCH and one day he will get his" " Just remember T you are a strong, smart, loving person you can do this" " God has a plan for you he wouldn't have you go through all this pain if there wasn't a great reward or something better waiting around the corner"
Does anyone else talk to themselves like a complete crazy person, or is it just me. Why do I feel the need to repeat these things everyday just to get through the day. Is life always going to be like this. Second guessing myself now he keeps calling and texting saying he wants to talk to me but I just ignore him. He is already behind in support now my rent has to be late and I get stuck with the late fees. Still there's a part of me that wonders. Why now??? It's been 8 months final papers ready to sign this week. We have all been through so much pain, guilt, anger, resentment, crying, screaming, sleepness night, days on coffee and a piece of toast. I just want it to end now. I want to have a real smile on my face. I want to feel a real laugh from the belly. I want to enjoy a meal again and not just eat because kids are noticing it's been a couple days since I ate last.
I can't watch a tv show if it has a happy couple kissing or listen to the radio. Shelby went to the store with me yesterday and there was a cute couple holding hands in the line I didn't notice but Shelby turned to me and said " Mom you are giving them the dirtiest look right now rolling your eyes and huffing a little" I am? I didn't even notice because I guess it's like a habit now. I'm starting to hate happy couples I just don't want to be around them right now. I feel like it's not fair why do they get a happily ever after and I don't? I played by the rules I followed all the laws Gods and Man's always helping others and giving so much to everyone. And this is what I get in return????? I WAS RIPPED OFF!!!! It really sucks I did everything I was supposed to only to end up sad and alone.
It's just to quiet here. I put on a football game just to hear the familar sounds of Sunday's during football season. Only instead of a house full of family and friends cheering their favorite teams on to victory, and eating wings, ribs,and homemade rolls with a nice chilled beer. I'm here all alone trying to gag down a plum and a bottle of water. I thought things were supposed to get better over time but i'm feeling WORSE NOW WHY???? Somedays I don't think i'm going to make it and it scares me so much. I have this little boy to raise and i'm the only parent he really has left. Poor kid he got a bum deal. I hope better days are ahead I really do. Stay with me God please..........
Does anyone else talk to themselves like a complete crazy person, or is it just me. Why do I feel the need to repeat these things everyday just to get through the day. Is life always going to be like this. Second guessing myself now he keeps calling and texting saying he wants to talk to me but I just ignore him. He is already behind in support now my rent has to be late and I get stuck with the late fees. Still there's a part of me that wonders. Why now??? It's been 8 months final papers ready to sign this week. We have all been through so much pain, guilt, anger, resentment, crying, screaming, sleepness night, days on coffee and a piece of toast. I just want it to end now. I want to have a real smile on my face. I want to feel a real laugh from the belly. I want to enjoy a meal again and not just eat because kids are noticing it's been a couple days since I ate last.
I can't watch a tv show if it has a happy couple kissing or listen to the radio. Shelby went to the store with me yesterday and there was a cute couple holding hands in the line I didn't notice but Shelby turned to me and said " Mom you are giving them the dirtiest look right now rolling your eyes and huffing a little" I am? I didn't even notice because I guess it's like a habit now. I'm starting to hate happy couples I just don't want to be around them right now. I feel like it's not fair why do they get a happily ever after and I don't? I played by the rules I followed all the laws Gods and Man's always helping others and giving so much to everyone. And this is what I get in return????? I WAS RIPPED OFF!!!! It really sucks I did everything I was supposed to only to end up sad and alone.
It's just to quiet here. I put on a football game just to hear the familar sounds of Sunday's during football season. Only instead of a house full of family and friends cheering their favorite teams on to victory, and eating wings, ribs,and homemade rolls with a nice chilled beer. I'm here all alone trying to gag down a plum and a bottle of water. I thought things were supposed to get better over time but i'm feeling WORSE NOW WHY???? Somedays I don't think i'm going to make it and it scares me so much. I have this little boy to raise and i'm the only parent he really has left. Poor kid he got a bum deal. I hope better days are ahead I really do. Stay with me God please..........
Replies