Sometimes it feels as if i'm FIGHTING A GHOST......

How do you fight against something or someone that really wasn't there. As I keep going through all these emotions, and asking myself the same questions over and over again, I don't think alot of what i'm so sad about REALLY EXISTED AT ALL. Does this make any sense? I'm so ANGRY AT A MAN WHO I BUILT UP TO BE SOME GREAT GUY AND HE DOESN'T EXIST AT ALL. Is it possible that I have been missing a ghost? All these memories I have of our family I know are real but I always gave him a credit when I did all the work. I keep saying things like " I miss just talking with him at night " or I miss taking a walk and holding his hand or just giving him a big hug at the end of my day. Then my daughter said to me one day " Mom maybe you gave him a hug at the end of the day but I remember you always having to say first " Hey where's my hug today " or Give me a hug I haven't seen you all day " Mom i'm sorry but you always had to initiate everything he NEVER just came up to you. As for the other things he always got home to late to take a walk with you and as soon as the tv came on forget about him talking to you about your day.
I know you guys did all sort of stuff together when we were young but you have been here on your own for a long time. My daughter would never want to hurt me but she asked me this simple question " Mom why do you keep crying over a marriage and a husband you did not have?" Whey have you convinced yourself that you just can't make it without him when you have been all along. I remember talking to her about this up coming Holiday season and we were joking about how it's going to suck big time. I said this Christmas is going to blow huh Shelby? She said why? I said Shelby because Dad isn't here with us this year it's like it's not Christmas without all of us. Then like a lighting bolt through my head she said " MOM you know what I remebr about Christmas how you ran around from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year. YOU MOM!! YOU DID THE SHOPPING AND THE WRAPPING AND THE DECORATING THAT MADE OUR HOUSE FEEL SO WARM AND BEAUTIFUL. I MEAN IT LOOKED LIKE MARTHA STEWART BLEW UP IN THERE. There was at least 25 different types of cookies, candies, brownies, and fudge. There's the Christmas Eve tradition of Hot Chocolate Cinnamon Rolls Monopoly and of course It's a Wonderful Life on TV. Mom YOU DID IT ALL TO MAKE EVERYTHING SO PERFECT. He did nothing but sit there complain about how much everything cost and maybe take a picture or two. That's it Mom IT WAS YOU REMEMBER THAT OK. That's what we remember Christmas wouldn't be the same without YOU not him.
Have I been on my own all this time and just gave him the credit? Did my kids see things that I couldn't see? If I was the STRONG one all the time if I was the one to hold my family together all this time then what the HELL am I missing or crying about? What do I miss about him? Why is this sooo hard???? WHAT AM I MISSING.....