Sometimes I Scream
I miss my mom... I miss my daughter... thinking earlier today when I was reading a post on Facebook... a mom said someone suggested she find one word that best described how she was feeling... and so she was looking for suggestions... I thought of hopeless.... Its not all I feel... but definitely any hope of finding help for Cara is gone... hope that I will ever not hurt is gone... sometimes it just seems like we're marking time till its over...
I'm sorry Terri... I don't feel beautiful today... I feel mad, sad, angry and ugly... I hate Mother's Day... I'm dreading it more than I can say. I know you understand so I'm being an absolute ass here and dumping it all... I am sure you have lots of mixed feelings... we all do... for me... Mother's Day just seems like the worse... I knew when Cara died that it would be like this... she was always the one that treated me like I was someone special... John doesn't like mushiness... Mom died in April and Cara in Oct of 2006... so its like since then... I hate Mother's Day... obviously I'm chasing myself around and around trying to figure out why I feel so awful... I think its like some of the other posts I've been reading... sometimes it just gets to us... that the years are piling up... and the hurting and anger and the fear are always here... sometimes I say I accept and understand that's part of normal now... but just not making it now... so sorry... I have typed a lot of this over and over and then not posted it...
Lately I've been saying when Cara died... I've avoided using the word so many times... its like now I want to hit myself with it over and over... I'm sorry for this rant... I decided to leave it so if some of you are feeling all this crazy mix of emotions you'll know once again... you're not alone... and maybe that will help because I think most of all with Mother's Day coming I feel terribly alone...
Replies
Sweetie, your journal. Rant away. I, too, lost my mom. She died at 57 years old 6 months before my middle son died, and then we lost my oldest son 6 months after that. In between, my dad died in a car accident. I wish we didn\'t even have Mother\'s Day! It is heart-wrentching! I keep trying to figure out a way to make it easier/better. I haven\'t found one yet.
Big hugs to you, friend. All I can say is I understand.
Love, Barbara
You\'re not here to please anyone. You and I and everyone is here because the unimaginable happened to us as mothers and there is no happy ending to that! Please don\'t apologize for sharing the very horror and pain that brought us all to this very place, this oasis of non judgmental love and acceptance for where we are at. There is no race or time frame here. I have seen that. If you see a journal that sounds happy and it hurts to read it, DON\'T. We have to be real. Where else can we truly be who we are now? If it isn\'t here then I plan on finding a deserted island and leaving pronto!
You may rant all you want... yes we all have these crappy feeling for mother\'s day...I do.... love to my friend,,,,
I hear you Elissa, truly I do.
I scream still sometimes too.
I feel every crazy, mixed up, out of control emotion too.
My Kala\'s body is buried next to my momma\'s body. On sunday, before I pick my son up from jail, I will go to the cemetery and cry and most likely curse the universe again.
The \"beauty\" we have, that is us, is our realness. You are beautiful because you are REAL....you are honest and open with your heart. You open yourself up and give yourself to all of us....broken, wounded and bleeding....and uplifting, inspiring and humorous. You give YOU and that is beautiful to me!
You feel whatever it is that you feel!!!! And express whatever it is that you need to express! That is the only way to survive this nightmare.
I love you Elissa. I love Cara. And I scream and ache with you at the injustice of it all!!
Yes, Mother\'s Day is another arrow that pierces our hearts
I am blessed to have a child with me and several grands...but I miss my firstborn, my Jenn
Hugs. Marylou
It is a spin cycle of emotions for me and that is what you are describing in your journal. Thank goodness we have one another to hold onto and to know as you mentioned that we are not alone.
Some years for whatever reason just kick us where the \" sun don\'t shine\" and this is one of those kicking years for me. I\'m riding it out as best as I can and feeling it, yet it hurts terribly. Kind of caught me a bit off guard as I\'m back \"there\" for awhile and will be staying \"there\" for as long as I need to. Not pitching my tent yet poking around in what I need to for today. I get it Elissa, I truly do my friend.
Thinking of you and dear Cara and knowing this is not what we would wish for anyone ever!!! How to survive it and live with it is what I\'m learning from each of you.
In gratitude to you and lots and lots of love.
XO Joanie
This is the safe place to vent and we all need to do it. I\'m trying very hard to let Mother\'s Day go unnoticed, just pretending it\'s like any other Sunday. But it is pretending and in my heart I know it\'s a day that will never be the same.
Tight hugs.
Terry
As everyone has said, we have no choice but to get through the day. Today at work, someone said are you going to see the children on Sunday in our office. I know it was mean but I said yes I\'m going to the cemetery. One day at a time. PeaceXOXOXOX