Sometimes I just want to end it all
Sometimes my best friend told me that I should see a shrink. But I know that'd be a terrible idea because I can handle myself, there are just times that I tend to zone out.
It's really hard because when things get bad and when I become upset, I can't help but to think that I should die. I've done the worst deed my life twice. And I'm very lucky that I'm still here.
I just finished college last March 2014. And for starters, I'm handling our family business at the age of 19 and it is horrible. I always wanted to study Creative Writing but I did pursue a business course because that's how it is supposed to be. I can say that we used to be a wealthy family. Not until my father became an alcoholic. I even suspect him that he uses coke but I don't know because I don't care anymore.
My mother and I are the one to suffer the consequences of what he did. I'm really mad to the point that I just lost all the respects I have for him. He totally abandoned us and left us with millions of debts and we have no idea how to settle things because we are running out of cash. It might be really shallow for you guys but it's really difficult. I still have two sisters who are still studying and they still need their father.
He abandoned us, left the house for like 3 months. Though it's hard because we are earning too little, it was such a relief because he used to hurt us. I really used to wish him dead. Sometimes I still do. He went back to the house like nothing happened, i thought he finally woke up and leave the demon inside him. But I was wrong. Because he in the first place, is the demon. He is worse than ever and he kills everyone's positivity around. He's a piece of shit. And I wonder how he can still be so full of himself. We live in a same house but he was never with us.
Sometimes I just wanna kill myself. Maybe if I do he would actually wake up. But I see how hard it is for my mother. It's hard that my wants in life are not even included to my options right now. I have so much frustrations in my life and it feels like when i think about those is like I'm being selfish by the act of considering myself. I was never an option. Not to anyone. I used to think that all my life, I studied and worked for my family and I made things for I don't want to disappoint them. But sometimes I want to have a life too.
I barely talk to my friends. Even to my best friend. I always think that I don't have anyone anymore. I just feel alive when I talk to them. But it barely happens. I really don't have anyone anymore. Because I'm not much of a loveable person. If it's only because of my two best friends, maybe I have lost it long time ago. It is really freaking hard. Sometimes they're too busy and I think that I become too annoying with what I do with my life. But they keep on insisting that they understand. That I have to talk about things. They are the only ones I have in my life. Until we barely talk. Maybe they don't want to disappoint me how much they don't understand what I'm blabbing. And I get so upset when my love ones have their problems and I worry more than to them than I am to myself. It's really hard because I am miles and miles away from them.
For example, one time, my best friend called me and was very upset on how his father molested his nephew and it was heartbreaking. I totally shutdown. How can I assure my best friend that things are going to be okay in their lives when I can't assure mine?
I just don't know. I don't know anymore. I want it to all end. It doesn't matter if it's going to be good. Or bad. I just want it all to end.
It's really hard because when things get bad and when I become upset, I can't help but to think that I should die. I've done the worst deed my life twice. And I'm very lucky that I'm still here.
I just finished college last March 2014. And for starters, I'm handling our family business at the age of 19 and it is horrible. I always wanted to study Creative Writing but I did pursue a business course because that's how it is supposed to be. I can say that we used to be a wealthy family. Not until my father became an alcoholic. I even suspect him that he uses coke but I don't know because I don't care anymore.
My mother and I are the one to suffer the consequences of what he did. I'm really mad to the point that I just lost all the respects I have for him. He totally abandoned us and left us with millions of debts and we have no idea how to settle things because we are running out of cash. It might be really shallow for you guys but it's really difficult. I still have two sisters who are still studying and they still need their father.
He abandoned us, left the house for like 3 months. Though it's hard because we are earning too little, it was such a relief because he used to hurt us. I really used to wish him dead. Sometimes I still do. He went back to the house like nothing happened, i thought he finally woke up and leave the demon inside him. But I was wrong. Because he in the first place, is the demon. He is worse than ever and he kills everyone's positivity around. He's a piece of shit. And I wonder how he can still be so full of himself. We live in a same house but he was never with us.
Sometimes I just wanna kill myself. Maybe if I do he would actually wake up. But I see how hard it is for my mother. It's hard that my wants in life are not even included to my options right now. I have so much frustrations in my life and it feels like when i think about those is like I'm being selfish by the act of considering myself. I was never an option. Not to anyone. I used to think that all my life, I studied and worked for my family and I made things for I don't want to disappoint them. But sometimes I want to have a life too.
I barely talk to my friends. Even to my best friend. I always think that I don't have anyone anymore. I just feel alive when I talk to them. But it barely happens. I really don't have anyone anymore. Because I'm not much of a loveable person. If it's only because of my two best friends, maybe I have lost it long time ago. It is really freaking hard. Sometimes they're too busy and I think that I become too annoying with what I do with my life. But they keep on insisting that they understand. That I have to talk about things. They are the only ones I have in my life. Until we barely talk. Maybe they don't want to disappoint me how much they don't understand what I'm blabbing. And I get so upset when my love ones have their problems and I worry more than to them than I am to myself. It's really hard because I am miles and miles away from them.
For example, one time, my best friend called me and was very upset on how his father molested his nephew and it was heartbreaking. I totally shutdown. How can I assure my best friend that things are going to be okay in their lives when I can't assure mine?
I just don't know. I don't know anymore. I want it to all end. It doesn't matter if it's going to be good. Or bad. I just want it all to end.
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