Sometimes Healing is Painful
Someone wrote this in a journal yesterday and boy did it hit home for me. Thank-you! Here's what they said: "I kind of think the fear I feel around speaking up has to do with left over fear from childhood. I spoke up and was yelled/screamed at to shut up or punished emotionally or physically. Quite often manipulated emotionally. Told I would be sent away. So I end up feeling ,still, that if I speak up that I will be 'punished' in whatever form. Really, it is the 'fear' that is left over from back then that is causing the not talking. I know I used to believe and often stated that I can't be attacked about anything I say if I don't say anything...a form of invisibility? I know there has been and is abandonment issues related to the fear. I am angry when I think of how I abandoned myself for so long...not standing up for self, going along, people pleasing. Yes...I believe deep down that if I say what I really feel or think , that others won't want to be with or around me, or will be angry with me ( as when a child) Goes with the not wanting to disappoint others. As to relationships...going to any lengths to keep the relationship even if it meant doing things I didn't want to...doesn't make for a very authentic relationship with others or myself and is/was certainly abandoning myself."
I am the parent who created a situation like this for my child/daughter. I am past the point of guilt and self-punishment as I have worked 34yrs on self-forgiveness and I think I am somewhat there; yet after yesterday, I realize I am not quite all the way there.
From what my daughter has shared with me over the years, she is a lot like the person who wrote the above; especially the part "if I don't say anything, I can't be attacked." Very withdrawn. Never able to express herself; let's others do it for her.
To make a long story short, my daughter just got a divorce from her husband who has cheated on her two times; now she is seeing him again. She is on the verge of a breakdown as she is beginning to allow all the repressed feelings to surface and she is seemingly a mess.In one of the texts the other day to me said "this is not just about she and her ex; it's about her whole life." I believe that. To make another general statement so you understand....I was the screaming, rageful, single mom of two children and their Dad was pretty much out of the picture. He has been married 4 times and the women came before the children. I say this all without judgment.
Anyway, yesterday I got a call from my daughter and she has started counselling by herself and another time with her ex...she informed me that her counsellor suggested she not talk to me in any way; phone or text. Reason being when she is around me, she doesn't feel she can make her own decisions. I am sure she feels like that little kid that that raging mommy made her feel like. I have so much respect for her courage and bravery to tell me this and I told her how very proud I was of her and would honor anything she wanted. She was one brave little girl yesterday!
There's still part of me that gets caught up in "I have worked 34yrs to heal my woundedness and can't you give me credit for that?" You kids continue to hold me hostage to me and my old ways." That I realized this morning "makes it about me" and it's not about me when I am talking/listening to them. So, once again, I must return to that dark pit and continue to see the places that still need self-forgiveness. I am proud of me for not taking it personally my daughter not wanting to talk to me and can see she is growing herself. I am proud of me for allowing her to be where she is.
Moments I am good and moments I am not. I can acknowledge the things I did wrong (and I have made amends with my children for this) but there's still somewhere I am not letting myself off the hook as I sense some guilt seeping in there.
I do believe with all my heart this is a Holy experience and things falling apart are actually being healed. I ask all of you as my friends to hold my whole family in Healing Light.
Thank-you DS friend for your journal..it was a HUGE "light bulb" for me!
xo
Vicki
I am the parent who created a situation like this for my child/daughter. I am past the point of guilt and self-punishment as I have worked 34yrs on self-forgiveness and I think I am somewhat there; yet after yesterday, I realize I am not quite all the way there.
From what my daughter has shared with me over the years, she is a lot like the person who wrote the above; especially the part "if I don't say anything, I can't be attacked." Very withdrawn. Never able to express herself; let's others do it for her.
To make a long story short, my daughter just got a divorce from her husband who has cheated on her two times; now she is seeing him again. She is on the verge of a breakdown as she is beginning to allow all the repressed feelings to surface and she is seemingly a mess.In one of the texts the other day to me said "this is not just about she and her ex; it's about her whole life." I believe that. To make another general statement so you understand....I was the screaming, rageful, single mom of two children and their Dad was pretty much out of the picture. He has been married 4 times and the women came before the children. I say this all without judgment.
Anyway, yesterday I got a call from my daughter and she has started counselling by herself and another time with her ex...she informed me that her counsellor suggested she not talk to me in any way; phone or text. Reason being when she is around me, she doesn't feel she can make her own decisions. I am sure she feels like that little kid that that raging mommy made her feel like. I have so much respect for her courage and bravery to tell me this and I told her how very proud I was of her and would honor anything she wanted. She was one brave little girl yesterday!
There's still part of me that gets caught up in "I have worked 34yrs to heal my woundedness and can't you give me credit for that?" You kids continue to hold me hostage to me and my old ways." That I realized this morning "makes it about me" and it's not about me when I am talking/listening to them. So, once again, I must return to that dark pit and continue to see the places that still need self-forgiveness. I am proud of me for not taking it personally my daughter not wanting to talk to me and can see she is growing herself. I am proud of me for allowing her to be where she is.
Moments I am good and moments I am not. I can acknowledge the things I did wrong (and I have made amends with my children for this) but there's still somewhere I am not letting myself off the hook as I sense some guilt seeping in there.
I do believe with all my heart this is a Holy experience and things falling apart are actually being healed. I ask all of you as my friends to hold my whole family in Healing Light.
Thank-you DS friend for your journal..it was a HUGE "light bulb" for me!
xo
Vicki
Replies
WOW, Vicki! Thanks for sharing this. I too am one of those withdrawn types who doesn\'t speak up. My post today (it\'s all about me, isn\'t it?) may be related to this theme.
I just took a moment to hold you, and your whole family, in that \"healing light\". Let go of any resistance to being healed. Ask without conditions.
Love,
Rich
Oop! Wait! I have an insight to share: the fear of abandonment, to me, means all, or WHO, I left with is ME, if I am abandoned! And if I still believe all the crap I was told to belief about myself then I probably don\'t like myself, so I am left to depend on someone, ME, who I don\'t like and can\'t trust because they\'re not good enough to help me! THAT, is the scary and shameful part of feeling the fear of being abandoned.
What seems to be a rhetorical question if \"Who can I depend on if I\'m alone?\", really has an answer. The unstated inference is that I NEED someone outside of me; the correct response is that I can learn to depend on MY SELF, that\'s who!
XOXOXOXO
I agree Rich.
Vicki, you are so brave and have come on such a deep and life changing journey to get to the point where you are right now. It\'s hard to admit we made mistakes or did things we aren\'t proud of.... But it allows us to shed some repressed feelings and let go.
I think it\'s wonderful that you are respecting your daughters need for space and time.
I needed this at a certain point but it later helped me to have a more compassionate relationship with my mother.
I have spent some time today holding your family in the healing light and thinking of you all. Sending you love xxxxx
I weep...thank-you. I just read the following: If you want to come right to the center of it all, ask yourself \"how does this situation help me to love myself more fully?\" \"What does it ask me to give that I am still withholding?\" That question will bring you to the core issue, because it demonstrates your willingness to see it as a gift, rather than a punishment...I like this. I feel I am still withholding \"respect\" for myself. Not in an egotistical way, but in a healthy loving way. I really need to start having more respect for myself and honor myself for how far I have come. If I can do this, I then will let go of the need to have my kids/others fullfill that...it\'s not their job.
Thank-you Rich and Rosie
xo
xo
Sending you love. Sometimes it\'s hard to consider what we ourselves need...but in times like this, it is essential. It is another opportunity to learn isn\'t it Vicki? Xxxx
Hi Vicki
the title says a lot...healing can be painful. sending you and your family love and kind thoughts. you really are a good soul.
love & hugs
rick
So much wise insight here. Be gentle with yourself. Learning and growing and healing does hurt.
(((HUG)))