Somethings Wrong With My Therapist

I could tell the second I walked in something was wrong with my therapist.  No, really even when she called my name, when she called me in from the waiting room, I could tell.  She was quiet but not quiet in a good way.  In an eerie way that something was definitely wrong.  It’s that funny look on her face.  I thought she was going to tell me something bad but I just said I was going to just start talking.  A little uncomfortable, not sure what was going on, I did.  I started with last Thursday.    I told her the massage therapist couldn’t stay long because of her exchange student so I went out to the waiting area and my phone rang and it was my daughter’s boyfriend that my granddaughter was going to be dropped off soon – it was only 3:30 and their appointment wasn’t until 5 PM.  Well, they all got there way too early and it was too long for the kids in the waiting room.  And, I would have like more time for just myself.  She asked me to remind her why I do it out there.  In case she needs to see one of them.  She knows that!  I’ve told her that before.  She said it was determined they weren’t going to see the kids.  I told her that I didn’t know that.  She almost started to argue but didn’t.  How was I supposed to know?  She said they know ahead of time.  Not always!  I also told her of one time she saw my grandson and we didn’t know until just then.  Very weird!  Not good at all!  So I told her they wanted to come back and play in the sand table.  That’s all I heard for the last 15-20 minutes.  They were bored.  We did everything we could out there.  I acknowledged they were bored (so was I) and I just told them we have to make our own fun and did.  My granddaughter said all they do is talk, talk, talk, talk.  I asked her what they talk about.  She said food.  I asked my grandson and he’s very smart – he knows.  He said they talk about them and us.  She nodded.  My grandson saw the letters I cut out from the poster I made her (I take him to school sometimes in the morning) and I told her he wants to see that (what I made her she now moved on the floor in front of the bookcase instead of in a shelf inside the bookcase).  She just nodded.  Later, after we had been talking about something else, we came back to this by me telling her I have an appreciation of what she does taking one person after another and how she sees so many different kinds of people.  I can imagine sometimes she goes home tired.  She exclaimed that she does – really does.  I told her I was so ready to go home but I was watching kids.  We got a quick dinner, they went to conferences and we had to bring the kids home to watch.    I told her my cousin did call and I tried to say no to the gift exchange, she asked to change it to make everyone happy but I said no.  She emailed me the list of names today but I haven’t responded back to her.  She asked if my family reacts to change like this at holiday time.  Almost like she was just searching for something to say.  No – it’s just me – just this year.  Usually I’m the first one to say to have a gift exchange.  I don’t know why.  I think I should have told myself to shut up.  I do the picking of the names.    Then I told her my Aunt called me Friday because she got my birthday gift to her (crystal angel) and card.  But in my heart (I really wanted to avoid conflicts and not call) I called her yesterday, put her on speaker phone and with all of us we sang Happy Birthday to her.  She said that was good to do it that way.  Yes, she may not have another birthday.  I didn’t want to mention my son.  She did the second time but I just said he’s trying to find a way out there and when he does he’ll call her.  She commented that I’m trying to stay out of it.  Yes, trying but we’ll see what happens when it comes down to it.    I told her I saw on my Facebook Saturday that my daughter wrote that my granddaughter threw up in Walgreens Friday night, now she’s queasy and she’s glad it’s her last chemo.  What ever she writes is on mine.  I didn’t want her to think I was snooping so I waiting to see if she’d tell me – or even if the kids would.  But she didn’t so yesterday I asked.  She told me what happened.  When she throws up from chemo it’s usually a couple days later.  She got her a bag (did this in Target once too) and it was in from where people were coming and going.  But no one seemed to say anything.  Then she was fine.  I did also tell her the story of the baby doll that my granddaughter showed lack of compassion for, wouldn’t pick her up, I did, she shook the stroller, I rescued her and wouldn’t give it back until she was nice to the baby.  She said I handled that very well.   I told her I don’t think she likes looking at the throw up videos even though I think they are helpful and beneficial to me.  And I told her how they are helpful to me in stages.  Again, she just nodded and didn’t say a thing.  But maybe we can try what Dr. Oz did with the water in a bag and hearing the splash.  Maybe we can do that Wednesday.  We’d have to go outside because we can’t do it in here – it’s water.  She said we can.  When I first start talking about it she asked me if I was ready to switch gears.  I’ve been ready, I told her.  It’s just other things keep happening.  She has to be as tired as I am about talking about my problem!  Later I asked her what I can bring, how we can do this.  She told me I’ll figure something out, I’m good at things like that.  She was just really weird today!  So I told her that’s all I wanted to talk about of what’s happened.  I need to talk about what happened yesterday.  I didn’t say what but I’m sure she knew the subject.  She said she has something she wants to share with me and she can do it after I tell her.  Right off the bat I told her I can tell she’s acting very weird, I can sense it, I’m good at that.  She said no, it was about some information she found out from a client of hers.  But, instead of waiting to tell me after my thing she proceeded.  And nothing about acting strange.  I thought it was going to be something bad but I didn’t say.  I still think so but of course, didn’t say.    She said her client is a pharmaceutical rep of urinary incontinence medicines and products used for procedures.  She said there’s a doctor who specializes in this and how many women have the same problem I do.  That there are procedures and such.  This client says her Mom has this problem, has to go to the bathroom every half hour and works full time.  She wears a pad and my therapist doesn’t know if she gets up to go every half hour or uses the pad.  She said she’d find out more about this and I should go for an evaluation with this doctor.  She asked me if I’ve ever been?  Yes.  What kind of doctor?  Urologist.  When?  It’s been a while.  Maybe she’s looking for a quick fix.  Yeah … so am I.  But I don’t think there is one.  And, I hate going to doctors and she knows this!  So I started talking about what happened yesterday.  It was hard and I got a rocky start at the beginning.  I told her that I’ve been trying to drink more.  I do, not every day but I do.  But, I don’t really do it on the weekends because of people around and so much going on.  But I should.  So I tried.  We went to breakfast yesterday.  My friend did some teasing but she said I handled it right with just going along with it.  Something about that’s me all the time.  I don’t really drink when I eat so I get a soda and fill it up but not all the way.  Depending how long we sit with our friend I usually don’t drink it all.  Then before we go I spill it out and fill it up to take with me for the day to drink here and there.  Usually I don’t even drink it all.    So that’s what I did yesterday.  My husband and I were running around going places.  I went to the bathroom when I needed to.  He was thirsty so he went in to a place to get something.  He asked me to go but I said I’d just wait in the car.  I don’t need anything more.  I finished my drink and he saw another restaurant of where it was from and asked me if I wanted to go in and get a refill.  I hesitated but did go with his encouragement.  I felt a little funny but they were busy and I had just gotten it today.  So I did and I didn’t drink it all.    We were going to the last place we were going to and I needed to go to the bathroom.  We were close and I said I’d just go there.  I’ve been to that store but I didn’t know where the bathrooms are.  It’s not a big store but they were in the back.  I didn’t make it all the way.  But it was cold in the morning and I had a jacket that I put around my waist.  Some cover and some don’t but this was OK.  So we were at the counter for a while.  Plus they had problems with my check and had to call places.  I go in there a lot and they know me so they ended up taking it fine.  But it took a while.      Finally we left.  I got in the car and I couldn’t even sit right because I didn’t want to get the seat wet and of course, I was hiding this.  She asked me if my husband noticed and I said not yet but in a bit.  I showed her how I had to sit on one side and sit on my hand.  All the hiding I had to do.  Then I needed to go to the bathroom and he knew.  He asked me if I wanted to stop.  We did that earlier.  But I told her she knows how it is sometimes when I have to go real badly and when I stand up I can’t hold it at all.  I didn’t want to get out of the car and knew I couldn’t make it inside somewhere and go all over.  So I told him I just wanted to go home.    But at home was my son and I don’t know if he brought his girlfriend or not.  He called me (he usually calls me first) but I left my cell out in the car so he talked to my husband and not me.  Well, she wasn’t.  But I started going in the car when we were almost home and when I got out just couldn’t hold it at all.  So I went inside, threw the bag on the coffee table and told my son to look and see what it was to distract him.  I went to the bathroom, changed clothes.  Then it took me a long time to get out of feeling so bad.  I felt sad, mad, disappointed and all.  Maybe also because it happened 2 times.    She nodded.  Then she asked me if I’m expecting my body to do something it just can’t do.  She (or we) don’t know what my limits are.  I don’t know – maybe.  But then I said I wanted to tell her the rest of the story first.  I told her not 5 minutes later the rest of the kids came.  If it would have been a little earlier (she said 10 minutes) they would have all been there.  And my granddaughter literally tackles me down when she sees me.  She said she would have asked, “Nana, why are you wet?”  Yes.  That would not have been good!  So first I wanted to know if I’m just drinking too much.  I told her how much I drank.  But I can be to lunch or dinner with someone and they can drink 2 glasses at one sitting.  For me, it was from about 8:30 until about 2.  It’s spread out.  And I told her I can drink a couple of those Propel water bottles at home but it’s spread out.  She asked me if I drink plain water.  No, I don’t like it.  She was surprised.  But to answer my question she asked about my Diverticulitis and drinking.  I said when I have it I should but really I need to drink more to prevent it.  So nothing goes in those little pouches.  She said I need to be drinking, my body needs it and seemed to think what I drank wasn’t too much.  Otherwise if I get the Diverticulitis (she knows it’s a family thing – I’ve had it 3 times but I know what it is) too much I might end up with worse things or a colostomy bag.  No!    She asked me how I got out of it.  I got these paint kits at Target (Lego’s too – yesterday) in the dollar section up front and I did them with the kids and they loved them.  But really now – just talking about it (even though it’s hard) is helpful and helps to free me.  Then she talked about my first feelings of shame and my Mom’s reactions.  I told her from my mom it was around age 4 and it was more there’s something wrong with me.  She asked me if she got mad or shamed me – no, not really.  Just made me feel like something’s wrong with me.  She also asked me if my granddaughter felt the shame when she threw up in Walgreens.  No.  Why?  Because she doesn’t have anyone to make her feel shameful yet – she’s young.  She did say we are good about not letting that happen.  But after there was nothing more to say about it.  Nothing more … it’s just there and we go over the same thing time and time again and I’m so tired of it!  So tired!  We then got into talking about going to the doctor Dec 31 and him wanting tests and I don’t want to.  Like a colonoscopy (I had one 7 or 8 years ago) and maybe an MRI.  She thought they were related to the same thing.  No – the MRI for what ever is wrong with my leg or right side that hurts.  I asked her if there are open sided ones.  She thinks so.  I didn’t ask but I would assume with all her breast cancer that’s she’s had MRI’s.  But she acted like she didn’t know much about them.  Again – very strange today.  She said she didn’t know that about me feeling closed in.  Yes and that you have to lay there for maybe 45 minutes and not move.   She asked me what the massage therapist says.  She thinks I should go to a chiropractor.  She doesn’t know but when I did see her later today she asked and is a little worried about that cluster of varicose veins.  She said she doesn’t want to worry me but something could let loose (like a clot).  But she does know I’m waiting for that appointment and she said if I’ve waited this long it should be OK.  Both know I’m worried about it stemming from my back/neck, a disc, pinched nerve, some circulation problem, the veins, a clot (hopefully not!) or something.  My massage therapist recommends the Vein Center and knows it still hurts every day and said that’s not good.  I told her, too how I hate doctors.  My therapist talks about how things happen when you get older.  I’m still hoping it’ll just go away.  Like everything else I guess.  Some time during this (I can’t remember when) I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I wanted her to watch the clock.  Yes.  She just went right on talking.  I think I heard her, really computed her, fine but after she said what she was saying she asked me if it’s hard to listen.  “Sort of,” I replied.  Funny – I can’t remember what she said so I guess it was more than just sort of and I guess she could tell.  She asked me how long I wanted to wait that it’s been about 3 minutes.  More than that.  I told her to just talk.  She asked me questions about Thanksgiving like who we are having over, I told her what we are having with the TofuTurkey (will I try it? – I don’t know I don’t like to try new things like that) and a small turkey and such.  She knows my husband cooks and I said he gets crabby sometimes.  That’s why I used the table for the painting yesterday.  She asked me what I do – play with the kids?  Yes.    A couple times we paused and she saw it was getting harder.  She talked a little more.  Then she said it was 5 minutes and I’ve been going farther into the session to have to go and that counts too.  I really needed to go by then.  I was really struggling and tried talking here and there but it’s hard to.  I wish she would talk more in these situations.  I do better listening even though I may or may not remember it.  Then she said it was 7 minutes.  Maybe 20-30 seconds later I asked her if it’s 8 minutes yet.  She said yes but I don’t know if it really was or she just said that.  So I then got up to go.    I got back and I can’t remember what else we talked about and how we ended.  Something.  Oh, she said she got double paid for last month and I don’t have to go to the website to pay her anymore for the rest of the year.  We think because my deductible has been met.  She reviewed about working on the fear of vomiting (I hate that word but didn’t say) next time by going outside with the water/splashing.    But I said again that she’s acting very weird.  She said she was just tired – that’s all – just very tired and she’s not as perky as she usually is.  I commented too much weekend and when I left I told her to drink something with caffeine.  But I don’t believe it!  I don’t believe her!  I’m very good at sensing things and something’s wrong.  I can tell by her face and by the way she’s acting.  It was almost the same vibes I got when she first found out about her cancer and didn’t tell me yet.  Something she’s hiding from me.  Something about her?  Something about me?  I don’t know but it’s something.  Maybe something bad happened over the weekend.  Maybe she got some bad news.  Maybe she has to tell me something I won’t like.  Maybe something about her upcoming reconstruction surgery.  Maybe something about her son, other relatives.  Maybe she doesn’t feel good.  All during her cancer treatments she never showed anything – nothing!  So that’s why this change in behavior is definitely something.  I want to reach out to her and help her, help her get through with whatever’s wrong.  I really do.  And, I don’t want her to hide things from me because that messes with trust.  That’s not right either. She really is a real person too and it would be helpful if she'd share things more to make that easier to see.