Someone please help me
I'm a broken-hearted Mom of a 28-year-old son who is an addict. When he left home at age 18, he had a good job, was self-supporting and responsible. Within a year or so, he got involved with alcohol and drugs. Since then, he's repeated a pattern: - stops going to work- loses job- loses place to live {unless fellow-user landlord allows him to stay rent-free}- loses car {sometimes}- loses girlfriend- finds new girlfriend whom he convinces he's just had a run of bad luck- moves in with new girl and she provides home, food, transportation, money, etc. - gets a job- starts contributing some money toward living expenses- starts making lofty future plans- starts talking of marriage- stops going to work- loses job- loses place to live {unless fellow-user landlord allows him to stay rent-free}- loses car {sometimes}- loses girlfriendHe is now in prison on violation of probation for an assault charge. His now ex-girlfriend had him arrested for assaulted after they shoved one another around while intoxicated. Even though she wished to withdraw the charge when she sobered up, you can't do that in the state of Maryland. This is his second violation of probation for this particular charge.He was first arrested for possession of weed 4 years go. Next came the assault charge last year. About a month ago, he was arrested for DUI with a .18 blood alcohol level...while driving his bosses car...because his car has been sitting on our property as he hasn't attempted to tag and insure it for 2 years.Even after the DUI, he insists he's been "clean" for over 4 months. He claims he "hardly ever drinks anymore". At the time of his arrest last Sunday, he was house sitting for us while we were away. His current girlfriend called us while we were out of state to tell us that he'd been picked up. Since he's sitting in jail facing 10 years - not including the DUI - I decided that enough is enough. For the first time in my life, I went through his phone text messages. What I found made me ill. Not only has he not been "clean", he made a deal for percocet on May 30th...which explains why he didn't have enough money to pay his rent {he was living with his younger brother, our younger son at the time}, and had to "borrow" the money from his girlfriend.Over the past 10 years he has:- borrowed money from everyone close to him but has never paid back a dime- had items repossessed for non-payment - has sold items like electronics to pay for drugs while telling us it was to raise rent money- has used everyone close to him for a place to live, a car to drive, food, spending money- has moved repeatedly and always leaves belongings behindYet, he is likable, charming, witty, intelligent, and pleasant most of the time. But we have also seen him extremely angry, belligerent, and overpowering. We have come to realize that he is manipulative and is willing to use whomever necessary to take care of all his basic needs so that whatever money he earns - when he decides to work - can go to support his habit/s. Is this who he has become? What happened to that wonderful young man who left home? Is he still in there somewhere or is he gone forever? Is there any hope for him? He called from prison last night. His manner was eerily calm, unemotional. He claims he's getting out this week. When I asked him who is posting bail he said, "I have some friends here who are working it out." This terrifies me. Who is he connecting with? How much further toward hell will he slip?I am grateful for a loving husband to bear the burden with, but we are both desperately heartbroken.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear this. It\'s similar to many of our lives. It\'s so heart breaking and makes you sick. My husband and I raised our son right too. He even made it to the rank of eagle in scouts. Then,.. he fell out of the nest. Have you tried Al-Anon? I can honestly tell you it has saved me. I feel so much better every week after the meetings. Do yourself a favor and go! I\'ll be praying for you and your son too. My son finally got into treatment. I will never give up on my my son. Addiction is an illness. Keep remembering that. They need help but not enabling. You will learn all about that in Al-Anon too. Hugs! Cher
Cher...Thank you for your encouragement. At this point, I honestly don\'t know exactly how to handle all this. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that we can no longer \"help\" him with money, using our shower or washing machine, \"borrowing\" our truck, etc. I can\'t imagine that we\'d ever give up on him, but at the same time, how do we maintain our sanity while watching him self-destruct? Does there ever come a point where you have to sever all contact? We\'ve told him repeatedly that we\'ll always love him, that nothing he could ever do would cause us not to love him, but that he must get help...which he insists he doesn\'t need.
I came across this article tonight and found it very informative, especially regarding the damage done to the nervous system and brain functioning:
http://www.poppswebsite.com/post-acute-withdrawal-paw/
We are finally coming to understand why addiction is called an illness and a disease. This is all so overwhelming. We\'ve wanted so much to believe all the times in the past that he\'s promised he\'s clean, promised he\'s pulling his life together.
We have not tried Al-Anon yet.
Thank you for your prayers...we covet them.
I too have a son \'lost\' to drugs. He is 29, and its been since he was about 15. Rehabs, jail, meds, therapy, even moving 1000 miles away. Alanon helped me so much because the people there are keeping themselves healthy and it\'s a good lesson. Some days I went to 3 meetings. Hope you find your strength wherever it is.