Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness....
'Someone I loved once gave me a box of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.' Mary Oliver
I love this quote. I have spent some time just allowing all of my feelings regarding my eldest sister to rise up in me. The hurt, frustration and anger. I've also looked at what she must have been going through. The eldest of 5, her parents in a volatile marriage, her younger siblings all 'needy'....she was stuck in a living hell. Her need to reject or ignore me might have been because she had to find a way out and in rescuing herself she had to reject us? I don't know. But I'm beginning to realise that I do 'forgive' her but I need to be away from her. She only wants the fake me around (smiles, listening to her for 3 hrs, doting on her kids etc) and I don't want to play this dance anymore.
'despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.'
I feel refreshed for having looked at the situation from her possible view point. But I do not allow myself to feel like a victim. It seems quite strange that this should be on my mind so much when my main concern is finding a job. I think in some way having a job, house etc...must be linked with her.
I love this quote. I have spent some time just allowing all of my feelings regarding my eldest sister to rise up in me. The hurt, frustration and anger. I've also looked at what she must have been going through. The eldest of 5, her parents in a volatile marriage, her younger siblings all 'needy'....she was stuck in a living hell. Her need to reject or ignore me might have been because she had to find a way out and in rescuing herself she had to reject us? I don't know. But I'm beginning to realise that I do 'forgive' her but I need to be away from her. She only wants the fake me around (smiles, listening to her for 3 hrs, doting on her kids etc) and I don't want to play this dance anymore.
'despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they have met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.'
I feel refreshed for having looked at the situation from her possible view point. But I do not allow myself to feel like a victim. It seems quite strange that this should be on my mind so much when my main concern is finding a job. I think in some way having a job, house etc...must be linked with her.
Replies
WOW! What an insightful awareness. The next question to answer is \"What is the emotional connection, the \"link\"? Is there a \"pattern\"? Even a very loose one (at first)? If you \"felt\" (thought) there may be a connection associated with your current \"fears\", there probably is. I suggest that the repeating emotional \"theme\" goes back that far. Fear of abandonment? Who knows, other than you? As Vicki and Lisa say, \"sit with the feeling\". Maybe you\'re ready and strong enough now to face it and let the repressed feelings go?
What\'s the connection to that poem? Do you love your older sister in spite of how she rejected you? Did you accept her \"gift of darkness\"? And do you still have to carry it with you?
Sending you much Healing Love, Rich.
I am more and more appreciative of the things I have discovered about myself through my relationship with Paul. In other relationships my self esteem has been very fake and fragile. With Paul I feel my self esteem is rooted. I don\'t think it is because of him but he certainly does help it flourish. My relationships with men in the past used to be very \'urgent\' and heavy, with Paul it feels light and fun but we still talk about and share the tough stuff too. I guess as I\'ve said before, I don\'t feel dependent on him...I just thoroughly enjoy the relationship. I\'ve got a lot of big practical worries right now but I seem to be pacing myself and have a much clearer idea that all we have at any one time is this given moment.
I think we were typing at the same time Rich! I think I do have a fear of abandonment that I have never wanted to accept...it seemed a failing to accept I was so weak. My elder sister was fun and well balanced (outwardly) her rejection and boredom of me, isolated me and frightened me. But I cannow see how by detaching herself from the family she could release herself from the problems. She seemed so unmaternal but when she had her 3 (!) kids, it actually hurt me to see how maternal and loving she was. She encouraged her kids to be good brothers/sisters to one another whilst not seeing how she hadn\'t been.
I have to remember now, I am not still that little kid. I\'m an adult now and I can operate in new adult ways.
I think the poem for me expresses how your darker and more challenging times can actually turn into a gift/learning experience that can change your life for the better. All of my struggles have made me into a person of more emotional/spiritual depth.
You have just demonstrated, in your last comment, the principle of changing your attention from negative to positive. You can accept Reality now. THAT is a very difficult skill for some people to ever master, and now you\'re there. Your/our memories of hurt feelings and judgments hurt you/us only, no one else! So now you will stop remembering to hurt yourself. The remembered events won\'t ever change, so what happiness does it create now? It doesn\'t, it prevents happiness in the Now.
It is so good to hear how you are aware of the new dynamic in your relationship with Paul. It\'s like you\'ve given ul fear & control! And now you enjoy being you more...
Love . You & your progress Rosie!
Thanks Rich you and my DS friends have been fundamental in my progress! Love you too xxx