someday I am just gonna lose it
I just have to vent. We all know how brutal holidays are since our child has passed. I have struggled even with my identity since my only child passed. How does one define being a mom? Am i still a mom - I no longer have anyone to mother. I feel that I have worked through some of this but I guess what I need to vent is how insensitive people can be.
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
I have worked at my current school for 10 years. One of the teachers that I know very well, who is a kind, sweet person actually came up to me this morning and said, "So how was your mother's day?" What in the world are people thinking?! I said,"You know Mary, mothers day is very sad for me now." She nodded. What I wanted to say is "really? You are not seriously asking me that? Yes, it was lovely. My only child is dead! It was wonderful. Thanks for asking!!!"
Then I went down to our weekly manager's meeting & my program director said, "So how was everyone's mothers day?" I said nothing and listened for the next 10 minutes of all of the manager's who all have living children describe their mother's day. Again, I have worked here 10 years. Everyone knows my story. Every other manager including the program director that started this %#!?#! conversation all enjoyed mothers day with their living children. So in my head I acted out all that I will say & do when I finally do lose it one day! I pictured standing up & saying, "Yes, it was a great day, the best!! I brought flowers to the cemetery for Eddie you bunch of idiots. And while I did that I remembered that I will not see him again until I die. Oh, yeah and I get to watch my heartbroken grandchildren, in a couple more weeks, cry on Father's day! At the cemetery,to bring flowers and cards, again!! Thank you all of you who, like me, work in social services, who should know better, for being so insensitive!"
I am pretty sure that I didn't act this insensitive to other's losses even before Ed passed away. At least I hope I was not this insensitive ever. I guess part of it is that now since Ed's been in Heaven for 20 months they really don't think of my loss anymore and I still can't think of much else.
Well thanks for listening to the only people in this world that understand. I needed to let that out!
Hugs, Linda
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