some time later

Its been a fair while since I last updated this journal and although I haven't noticed it a lot has changed. At the beginning of the journals I wanted to understand who I was, as if I did not know. Today I feel like I have known who I was all the time, I was just too afraid to believe in it. I have spent much time denying myself the things that I really needed and wanted and instead forced myself to accept the things coming my way in case there was no other offer. It would be better than my own. Because I was too afraid of myself and the continuing hurt i found there I would rather wait until someone took me away to make me feel better.  And guess what! It worked! for a while.... but at the end of each day, no matter how hard I tried to stay away, the nightmares would come. There was no-one to protect me from them. Only I could see the nightmare and feel the terror. No matter who was next to me. In my dreams I would always be alone. But further down the line, after again accepting offers that I never wanted or needed, I now have no other offers except my own. It is just me here now. Just my thoughts, my aspirations, my feelings, my humour, and I need only satisfy me. It has taken me a  very long time to understand that no matter how desperate I feel, I am the only one who can rescue me. Crying out for others to come and rescue me can never work. They can not take my thoughts away or stop me feeling. Only I can stand up against my demons and this has been easier to do when I concentrate on me. My thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my fears and my hopes.  These strengths I am learning, are strengths that only I can do.Yes, it is extremely hard. No one can scare me the way I can. But, learning to accept that yes, they did that to me then. And sometimes I will remember, with pictures, with thoughts or with feelings, I do not have to give them the rest of my life.   I am looking after me now. In a way that I have never been looked after before.  I won't desert me again. I am my newest best friend and no-one knows me better than I no myself.