Some thoughts
Past several days have been "normal" in the sense that cry became less, and I was involved, about 1 hour daily, in rewriting a research paper. On average, I probably cried about once a day but even during these moments the tears were less, but not yesterday when I saw a girl who had the exact hair style of my Yan. This happened when I came back from a dental visit. At Tung Chung MTR subway station where she was standing in front of me on the the escalator, from the back she looks very much like her---that just triggered it. Tears streamed down my face for about 10-20 minutes nonstop. I had to get my surgical face mask on to avoid attention.
There are triggers everywhere. But this one is live. To a certain extent I felt comforting from this. As time passes, I feel more of positive feeling about these experiences...at least they make me feel that Yan is still with me. The apartment and the surrounding environment they don't necessarily bring pain, which makes me think over the decision of changing places. Many have suggested to move. My current lease is up in August so I do have choices. The move probably signals a new start for me and it may also bring me closer to where I work. However, asides from the burdens and costs associated with moving, I have become more attached to this place emotionally. If memories of my wife become less painful and more joyful as time passes, this place could inspire me and give comfort much more than any other place. Besides, I am going to move anyway after 2 plus more years when my contract is over, and this time likely out of HK. So the decision is still pending....Should I move or not?
It is interesting to hear people's suggestions for my grief. I hear a lot (I mean A LOT) for remarry from family and friends who suggest that investing in a new relationship is a way, (and ONLY way to some apparently), to bring me out of this "misery". A friend interestingly pointed out that the Chinese people are very practical. Without help of a formidable faith, grievers resort to practical things like new relationship, travelling, relocation for coping. In the trip to Beijing, my friends said to bring me to the best restaurant in town, thinking this would alleviate my pain because, I guess, the food would distract my attention from pain-----of course it didn't. For me, well, marriage is not on agenda. James Hollis says that grieving is an honest affirmation of the value of the original investment of energy. I invested so much with Yan, there is no energy left to share.
There are triggers everywhere. But this one is live. To a certain extent I felt comforting from this. As time passes, I feel more of positive feeling about these experiences...at least they make me feel that Yan is still with me. The apartment and the surrounding environment they don't necessarily bring pain, which makes me think over the decision of changing places. Many have suggested to move. My current lease is up in August so I do have choices. The move probably signals a new start for me and it may also bring me closer to where I work. However, asides from the burdens and costs associated with moving, I have become more attached to this place emotionally. If memories of my wife become less painful and more joyful as time passes, this place could inspire me and give comfort much more than any other place. Besides, I am going to move anyway after 2 plus more years when my contract is over, and this time likely out of HK. So the decision is still pending....Should I move or not?
It is interesting to hear people's suggestions for my grief. I hear a lot (I mean A LOT) for remarry from family and friends who suggest that investing in a new relationship is a way, (and ONLY way to some apparently), to bring me out of this "misery". A friend interestingly pointed out that the Chinese people are very practical. Without help of a formidable faith, grievers resort to practical things like new relationship, travelling, relocation for coping. In the trip to Beijing, my friends said to bring me to the best restaurant in town, thinking this would alleviate my pain because, I guess, the food would distract my attention from pain-----of course it didn't. For me, well, marriage is not on agenda. James Hollis says that grieving is an honest affirmation of the value of the original investment of energy. I invested so much with Yan, there is no energy left to share.
Replies
Breathe . . you are on the path of grief. I totally understand all the above written. As for the move, you have a few more months to figure that out. For me, a year later, I still vacillate on whether I want to stay or go. For a while it didn\'t feel like home and now it\'s starting to feel like my home. It\'s different from before . . there are still memories, but each day that goes by it becomes easier to accept my aloneness here. As for re-marrying . . you have PLENTY of time to consider that in future. Right now it\'s about healing. Continue to focus on self and grief . . when you are ready, you\'ll know. Hugs to you my friend. xo, D
I am convinced people really truly do not understand how you or any of us here feel at this time in our life. I want to believe they mean well. That they really care about you and your happiness. They just do not understand your pain and that nothing they do or say will ease your broken heart. You lost your Yan the same day I lost my Ron. Half a world away. Just today I was asked if I will remarry. I decided to keep my sense of humor and answered, \'not this weekend\" While thinking what a thoughtless question. It has only been less then 3 months. Hugs to you my friend! You will make it in your own time!
Tiger..Im so sorry you have to go through all this...Its so early for all these decisions... about the safest decision to make right now is to not make any life altering ones at this time. I made a lot at the beginning ..they were more like promises to myself...I even made one to my husband on one of his last days and that one was I would never remarry....I could one day break that promise..Im at 28 months now and I am constantly changing...Ive changed a lot from 12 months ago...this is such a journey for us all and until I had to put these shoes on..I was so clueless on grief...sending you peaceful wishes while you navigate through...........as you can see you are not alone...
I don\'t remember much of the first 3 months. I had to work hard, sometimes 10 hours/day. That was distracting. Then after 2 months the client ended my contract with them, for financial reasons, and I had to look for a new client which took another two months.
The things that triggered me to bawl in public don\'t do so much anymore. There\'s a song by Orianthi, \"According To You,\" that reminded me about how my wife dug me when we met, while my other dates thought I was odd. Now I can listen to it without breaking down, but for months when it came on my iPod I started crying. I guess people noticed on the bus, but they didn\'t react.
I have been thinking more about Arlene recently. It\'s almost Mother\'s Day. and next week is my birthday. My friend Mario always threw a Mexican Birthday party for me, because my birthday is Cinco de Mayo and my dad was Mexican. Now Mario\'s gone too. My friends Donald & Serena are giving me a party, because they know I will miss Mario\'s party, which is nice, but they can\'t do it for a couple of weeks. I am having dinner with my daughter and son-in-law on my birthday.
When I think about Arlene now, I don\'t cry. I feel tremendous sadness, and I try not to think about the horrible last months of declining health; I try to remember happy times.
Her dog has become quite neurotic. First Arlene went away, then our older dog she grew up with died. She sleeps with me, and nags me to sit on my lap when I am not working. It\'s sweet, but a bit insistent. Today I found one of her toys and played with her. It made her very happy. I tried giving her some natural calming treats, but they didn\'t help much. She is a poodle, so she has a complex psyche for a dog.