some thoughts

forgive the negative vibe of this entry.  this was my week..... started off the week knowing i was getting ill, had a monday after work dental visit- one and a half hour in the chair for a complicated root canal (then home to relapsing AH) sicker the next day, no voice, cough, manage to make it through the work day and then home to husband being drunk enough that i could no hold my tongue....confrontation, i did well stood my ground, (see previous entries for whole patheticness-LOL) off to work the next day just getting sicker, lice at my school (always fun) hubby did manage to call AA hotline, speak to a counselor, speak with his therapist, and set up both an appointment and an AA meeting for the next day!!! BUT then seemed to think that those actions negated my established boundaries and he was acting as if it was business as usual  (perky,happy wife who pretends all is well so he does not have to feel uncomfortable) getting sicker, going to work. on the way home finally make it to the doctor--have pneumonia (oh goody) drop off Rx, go home and collapse. since husband managed to go to both AA meeting and his therapist and did not drink(?), he was too tired to drive to the corner to pick up my meds.    this was a long preamble to my intended thoughts. sorry.
FIRST; i was thinking about the self-centeredness of the addict. how they cannot see beyond their own wants. i have come to think that when my husband does a kindness or picks up his portion of the responsibilities it more like a bribe or deception than any thing else.
SECOND; i was thinking about the guilt heaped upon me (all of us?) when i have those moments when i am tired of looking for that shining soul beneath the addiction. when i feel like my own soul has been scrubbed raw due to constant attempts to earn those heaven points. (i would like to cash some of those points in here on earth and not wait until heaven -kind of like a hardship withdrawl from a 401 account.)
THIRD; when i read all the stories here at DS, all that heartbreak, all the struggles, dealing with debt, hurting children, jail, overdose, death etc.  i sometimes feel like my story has little merit, but NO! this family has just been LUCKY to have escaped the more awful consequences of addiction... my husband has lost jobs (indirectly tied to addiction), made very bad financial decisions leading to debt, cut off two of his fingers while drunkenly using a table saw, lost his relationship with his brother, and can never go back to know the joys of parenting his his 2 amazing sons. 
as i said, this is just a rant.... tomorrow is Easter... a day for new beginnings.