Some peaceful time, taking care, health focus, some writings from my heart <3

Some much needed rest, and mind relaxation time :) 

Hi angel friends :) my family, Holly, and i hope you're doing well, healthy, and enjoying a peaceful day :) It's been a big stretch of days, and weeks. We're all doing well, in good health, and having a nice peaceful, relaxation day :) i got very emotionally tired and spent last night, and needed a good night's rest. i've been pushing myself a bit, and have had some emotions, and not trying to talk or write too much, about my emotions, but sometimes we need to talk and write. i prefer writing. i've been pushing myself a lot lately, and with all that's going on in the world, things have been very surreal, different, and trying to keep afloat each day, with keeping busy, active, and dwelving into some days, it can help us all, to keep busy, and active, but sometimes there's emotions that comes up, and we can need some time to write, or talk :) i talked with my mom and Holly, about needing some peaceful, easy days. i put lots of energy, spirit, into the days. i'm a passionate, intense writer, and i love to give my all to each day.

i feel like lots on my mind, and it helps me to write about things :) i love spirit soaring days, but sometimes i have some moments, we all do, where we need to make sure we're taking care of ourselves, and our health. i want to be there for everyone, always, and always will be :) There's been lots going on, that i've taken onto my heart. i feel for family, i feel for friends, i feel for others that i don't even know, people on the news, and everything going on with the pandemic. it's very trying, and challenging times. days, times, routines, lots have changed, and i feel very much for everyone, even with some changes withi my own routines and week, i've felt very much for everyone, and wanting everyone to be ok. i talk with my mom, Holly, family, friends about all that's going on, and i often taken everything to my heart. i care very deeply, and want everyone to be ok, and to have good health, comfort, and peace :)
i've had some stuff on my mind, and in my heart. i sometimes will push that stuff to the side, i'd rather be there for others, than putting my stuff and myself first. i sometimes will feel guilty if i take time for myself, when i can be helping my family, Holly, and friends. i'm a shym introvert person, my heart, and spirit talks within my writings :) i get intensely into my writings, and i'm very thankful for my journal here, as i love to write, and it helps me to express my heart and spirit feelings and emotions :) it's a great blessing being able to write :) through all times, whether it's good days, rough days, bad days, or spirit soaring days. my journal is my outlet to writing, and even though i may not be bouncing around very excitedly due to my shyness, or social anxiety, in my writings,i can bounce around in that excited way, because it's purely how i'm feeling in the moments of those days :)

i've taken a lot onto my heart lately, with so many things. not just what's going on in the world, but family stuff, Holly stuff, friends stuff, and my own stuff. some things get to me sometimes, where i need to write or talk. i talked with my mom, and Holly about things. i've had some issues with my niece Alyssa, everyone knows, she was heavily leaning on me in the past 2 years, when it comes to borrowing money. She isn't well with her financial stuff. she's leaned on me a lot, and she's taken advantage of me at times, and it makes me upset. i loaned her a alot in the past years, and even though she paid me back, and extra sometimes, it became too much. i believe sometimes, people can be nice to use when they need or want something, and i get that from my niece Alyssa. She's all, "oh, i'll get you an iced coffee, or iced tea", and stuff like that, but as soon as i loan her money, i might as well be invisible, because she's off spending my hard earned money, i earn my money a penny at a time, on sites like swagbucks, it can take a while to earn, money on there, and Alyssa coming to me, for $300 to $640 at times last year, i loan her those dollars i worked hard for, when she herself, isn't responsble with her finances.

it upset my mom and dad at times, and Holly too, that Alyssa took advantage of me, and they didn't want me loaning her money, and being a shy, quiet person, it can be hard to say no to someone. i'm a very helpful person, and sometimes being helpful as i can, it can be hard to see, someone taking advantage of you. i know it's a hard time for people, and money right now, with all that's going on in the world. there were a couple weeks, Alyssa needed $150 to pay a bill, and pays me back, and then the very next day, she wanted to borrow that same $150 again. it comes to a point, where it doesn't even feel like it's my money anymore. i'm sick, and tired of paying her rent-a-center bills. She doesn't tell her partner Aj, about those rentings. Aj isn't very talkative, or social with any of us, and i find it to be very disrespectful, as those games, and tv he's watching, if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have those, because rent-a-center would take that stuff back if Alyssa didn't pay the bill. it's very hurtful, she doesn't tell him about those items, and he thinks she's paying for it all, with her money, but it's my money. last year, i loan Alyssa $640 to help with the triplets birthday party, and that aj, couldn't even say hi to Holly and i there. it's very upsetting. we're social at times. when Alyssa asks me to borrow money, not only does it upset me, about it, but also that Aj, is very anti-social, and i think of how that loaning of the money, is helping him. i'm done with it, and i don't want to help Alyssa anymore. i want her to take responsbility for her financial situations.

What i am very hurt, and upset about, is this. the past month, Alyssa promised me, that she was gonna show her appreciation for me loaning her money for years, she promised me $250. it's very generous of her to offer. April 21st, she sent me a text, saying she promised, and then didn't say anything else about it, and i feel like, i was punked, and used. i feel used, and hurt. everything, she's needed money, i've helped, and then she promises me that money (which i would have put into an envelope), and if she needed to borrow $20 or $50 here or there, it would have been there, but she does and blows all her money she got, and didn't even say anything else about that $250. it's wrong, and she shouldn't promise people things if she doesn't keep her promise. i'm sick of getting the short end of the stick. you can only take that much of hurt, and let down, before it gets you so upset, you just want to wash your hands of it. i don't expect to see a penny of that $250, that alyssa promised me, and she also promised my mom, and her mom Lisa some money too, but she let them down also. it's not about the money, it's about the principle. integrity, and honesty.

Alyssa was at my dad's party yesterday, i barely spoke to her, and i have every right now too. i feel hurt, and used by her. i was majorly uncomfortable with her there. there were some shyness issues. my dad, mom, and Holly, offered me a chair to sit, i didn't want to sit near Alyssa, and i already said once, "no thanks, i'll stand up and eat", and Holly pushed for me to sit down, and it was uncomfortable. i actually had to come back downstairs, and write a bit. Holly is very nice, but sometimes if you are an introvert, shy person, you don't want to be the center of attention. i have talked with Holly about my shyness, and i think she sometimes doesn't get my shyness, she doesn't get, what can make me feel uncomfortable, and i get upset when she sometimes downplays my shyness, and that's something her and i need to talk about at times. when you're shy, and someone pushes you, or pushes your buttons of uncomfortability, it can be very upsetting, and make you want to avoid social situations. i told my mom and Holly, i need some down time, relaxation, easy days, and i just want their support on that. they're being supportive, and i'm thankful. :) i rarely have times, or days when i need to literally feel like i'm gasping for support. i'm a support others first, type of person. i know more emotionally strong days are ahead :) 

my mom's had some issues with my sister Lisa going out. it bothers my mom, and us all, that she goes out to hangout at friend's house, it's a risk, with the virus going around, Lisa isn't thinking of our safety. my mom, she loses sleep over it, and she often talks with me and Holly, for support. it can get heavy at times, talking. i just want my mom to be ok, and to worry about her own health, a she works herself up, gets stressed, and then feels sick to her stomach about things. it's upsetting. i told my mom, somethings, i want to talk with her about stuff, other than her issues with Lisa. it can be a downer sometimes, as i love to talk with my mom about things.

i've been trying so hard, to keep afloat, keeping peaceful, calm. my journals, and most of the days going well, and DS, is my sanctuary, to get away from all of the upsetness, and to be able to help others in need, of real issues, that friends want to work on, that want to get better on, meeting you 50/50 in the middle, that's progress forward to achieve :) with trying to help my mom about things, it can be like going in a circle, and it's frustrating, because i want her to be ok. if i talked all day about my niece Alyssa upsetting me about money, it would be all i write about, and i don't want that, and i certainly don't want to talk talk talk about it, to the point where it stresses someone/s out.

i need my mom, Holly, family, to all understand about my shyness. i need them to understand, i need some down days, relaxation time, i get burnt out. i'm a human being. i have feelings, and emotions. i sometimes feel like spider in the spiderman 2 movie, when he was so overwhelmed, stressed, and emotionally burnt out, and he just needs time for himself. i feel like sometimes, like how that movie, batman the dark knight, putting my own feelings, emotions to the side, to help others, because it's what i do, and for the better, because it's what i love to do, i'm all for what others need, i can take on so much, i can handle it, but sometimes, when so much happens at once, it can strain us, and make us feel burnt out. i'm only one person. i need support too, i need help sometimes, and normal days to give me strength and hope :) i know i need to take care of myself, and to allow myself time to emotionally breathe. i need to charge up my emotional strength. i never want to let anyone down. i love to help, but with all of the extra stuff going on, and the pandemic happening, it's just been so much, and really hard to stay afloat, to take time for myself, with so many emotions, and so much happening. i sometimes feel broken, burnt out, and a good night's rest helps, but my energy level doesn't fully replenish. i feel like i sometimes have to beg, and beg for a peaceful relaxation day, where so much isn't happening, and i just can rest, and be in my own thoughts, that are clear and not numb.

it's a good peaceful day which i really needed today :) i'm hanging in there, and thankful to be writing, about my feelings, emotions, and being able to be there for everyone, at a pace that's good, and healthy for me :) my family, Holly, and i are doing ok, focused on good health, peace, and comfort :) We've been home, i had some nice soothing relaxing teas today :)i called some friends, and also put some sports radio on :) i'm so glad, and thankfl for DS, and us being here for eachother :) i'll always be here <3 Holly and i are going to check out some youtube videos tonight, it'll be nice relaxing, and also gonna have a fun baking friday adventure tomorrow :) i want to continue to focus on taking good care, good health, and keeping on keeping on each day :) i miss adventures, like the post office, and dollar tree. i know those adventures will happen again very soon hopefully :) i'm hopeful :) Thank you angel friends, for reding, for being here, and for being the most wonderful friends, very loving, caring, supportive, and encouraging :) i means the world to us :) We deeply appreciate everything, with all of the love of our hearts :) big group warm caring, comforting friendship hug <3 :) We look forward to sharing in many more peaceful times, with family, friends, nature, and the peaceful spirit of spring time :)

-never lose hope :)