Some major discoveries

Last week I had an MRI on my lower back that was absolutely horrible. It literally paralyzed me from the waist down for a few minutes and hurt so badly the vibrations on my back I was in tears. My legs had no feeling and I could not even lift them fo her to put more pillows under them to see if that would help nor for her to take them out when I was finished. I had to sit for a bit before feeling came back but they are still weaker than normally. Also ever since I have just felt really blah is the only way I know how to explain it I feel weak, have the trots and ache all over and just want to sleep or cry which I  have been doing for the last 3 days. Today I called and really wanted to talk to my doctor but of course was not able to everything had to go through his nurse and you know things get lost in the transfer. Well he said there was no pinched nerves in my back and if I was this bad I should go and see my neurologist. Well this made no sense at all to me so I called her right back and was frustrated and told her so and felt like I was being pushed off. She called about and hour and a half later and FINALLY asked and listened to what was going on. Told her had already been to pt which is what was first suggested and I said I am still doing what I can with my foot. She then asked what is going on with my foot and told her tomorrow am having 2 MRI's on it and am a bit worried about how my back will be but she said make sure to take my pain meds a half an hour before my appointment. She also said she will send my back MRI to y ortho doc and he can see if I should the lower back doc in his office or go to neuro. I do know the darn boot is not helping matters with my back at all as I am of balance all the time with it on. So next week whenI get the MRI results I am going to ask for a scooter board for my bad leg to ride on so I not so off balance and damaging my his and back.

Later today one of my earth angels called and I was telling her what was going on and she informed me that I was in the middle of a fibro flare she said she has 3 different kinds of them. This was new to me as I always thought a flare was only when you have extreme pain and right now I do not. Everything she said made sense. Next we talked about Tim. She had another shocker for me now I know grief and the stages very well, too well in fact, what I did not realize is that is what I have been going through about the loss of Tim in my life. I had been in the anger stage for quite qwhile and now am coming out of that and into acceptance. I just thought to myself well ya idiot why did you not realize that. It makes perfect sense and is true. I wish him no bad will, in fact I pray he finds his happiness and stays sober, which he just had his 1st year anniversary, and healthy. Do I miss him, absolutely, do I want him back here? No Way! Do I want a friendly relationship with yes that would be nice just not sure if it will ever happen and I am now ok with that. I have said in previous journals that once he has paid me everything and I get my own pone he was going to get blasted in a letter by me that is not who I am so he will not get that kind of a letter. If I do decide to write one it will be a kind  and thankful and good wishes letter. Regarding him paying me it is taking forever from 800.00 he is down to owing me 520.00 so not to far yet is he. That is very frustrating to me but it is all part of the addiction, even though he is sober he is very selfish and self-centered and that is very normal when in recovery so I just have to continue to be patient and not pushy and let him do it on  his time and eventually he will get it done. The worst is though I need it so badly, but have remebered to turn to God who will provide my needs all of them to me. 

Now just to get my health issues all under control. First have to find out what is all wrong with my foot and ankle. Next it will be my right shoulder surgery as we believe I have torn my rotator cuff again, and the sleep study. And somewhere in there finding out what is going on with my low back. This can all end and soon as I am very tired of having something wrong at all times  for the entir last year almost.

Love and hugs to you all and I hope tis made sense as my mind has gone goofy on me also

Susie