Some late night thoughts

1) I feel like I am waiting for my life to start, but I'm not doing anything. I'm just standing in front of the wave, waiting for it to hit me. I'm not running towards it. Maybe I should be, but I just can't move.
I always act like I am so together. So brave and inspired. Well those things I guess I am, but not in the right areas of my life. Ask me to jump off the top of 3 bears and I'll do it in a heart beat, but if you ask me to go apply for a job I'll break down in tears. Getting my licence, I don't even want to think about it. School starts in a few weeks and that makes me want to vomit.
2) The fasting has started again. I am both happy and sad about that. Today I had two bites of chicken for dinner and a hershey bar, which is the least amount of food I've eaten in a long time so I'm improving. I thought about throwing it up but sided against it. I don't have a safe place to vomit without everyone hearing, and I don't like the feeling anyway so I am just going to stick with starving.
3) I hate that I think about the hospital everyday. I hate it. I don't want to forget it, I just hate that it's on my mind all the time. That and the suicide attempts. I think about it every goddamned day and it's freaking killing me.
4) My head has been pounding for freaking days and it won't stop. I don't know if that's from pulling or wanting to pull or what, but I can't deal with it. It makes me want to cut, but I know I can't.
I fucking hate trichotillomania, I fucking hate it. More than anything I hate it. It's taken so much from me. And it's not like a scar you can cover with make up. It takes months for hair to grow back. I have been waiting to wear my hair down for a year. A fucking year of my life lived in misery, gone. I don't know what to do about it.
Next month I have an appointment with a new doctor and I don't want to go. I don't want to talk about trich. Everything else, fine. But not trich.
5) I've started drinking at night again. It started with beer but the last few times it's been vodka and honey in my tea. It's nothing serious, but I know I shouldn't be doing it. I need to start dealing with why I'm drinking, though. I know that
6) My relationship with my mom is going down hill severely. All she does is sleep. She doesn't eat and doesn't tend to her blood sugar at all. She's been having multiple seizures a day.
I feel like I am watching her kill herself. Everyday she brings me to tears and she just fucking stares at me. She says nothing. It's like I'm the fucking help. Like my only purpose in life is to keep her alive. Which is bullshit. My dreams do not, have not and will never revolve around her. Ever. 
7) I am so angry about everything. Which I guess is good; feeling something. But all I am is angry lately. I just want to scream at the goddamn world. But it's my own fault, I know that. It's my own demons I need to deal with, it's no one elses problem but my own. But that still doesn't change the fact that I feel this way.
I guess I'm just a girl full of anger and hope. That's how it's gunna be for now.