Some heart sharings, that i need to share, before baking today. feeling hurt

Hi angel friends, i wanted to write a journal here, as i need your heart-felt continued support on this matter. i've been hurt very bad, emotionally about something, and need to get this out of my thoughts, and into writings. i want to thank you all, for your heart-felt, comforting reading, and comments of this journal. i've been talking with my mom and Holly ,and also talked with a friend on the phone yesterday. i want to share, so that everyone knows, so that if there's a day or two, where i'm off a bit, and unfocused, it's due to some things that sometimes my family puts me through. 

There's an incident that really hurt my heart yesterday,and i need to share/write about it. i'm gonna write about baking friday this evening ,but will write here right now, about this situation, that's flowing in my heart ,and in my mind. yesterday morning, Lisa was going to  mcdonalds. i asked my mom, if it would be ok, to get an extra iced coffee for Holly. Holly gets migraines, and sometimes the caffeine can help ease the migraine pain. i want to re-wind here, back to early March. Lisa was out of money, she was in trouble with almost losing her car, due to not paying the payment, and insurance and all of that. Lisa asked my mom ,to come to me, for money, to borrow, $1500. that's a lot of money, and isn't my responsibility. the kind heart in me, that is extra-giving at times, of course didn't say no, i said yes, i can help, and i did. i loan the money ,so that Lisa could pay her car bill, insurance, everything, so that her car could keep on the road, and she could drive her car to work and home. Lisa did pay me back, on my birthday, but originally was gonna pay me back, $100 a  week for 15 weeks. she got a loan from her boss  at dominos, and was able to  pay me back the amount. fast forward to recent times. Lisa has a hissy hit, tantrum, to my mom, that she was asked to get an extra iced coffee for Holly. that very little favor, pushed her over the edge, to a tantrum, hissy fit, and after i could be so very generous to her, in recent months, years, of pure helping with the kindness of my heart, it's very hurtful, and i'm very upset with,and disappointed in Lisa, that she couldn't even do a little favor for me, on behalf of Holly. it's very upsetting, and makes me feel used, it frustrates me, and hurts my heart, that i couldn't even ask for this very small favor. Lisa gets all over my mom, when this happens, and then my mom gets upset, and has to tell me ,and it upsets me, that Lisa gets on her about things, and  i feel very un-appreciated, for my kind act of generousity in recent times. i'm not asking for me, it's a simple ICED COFFEE!!! unreal. 

i'm not very happy with the attitudes around here right now either, to tell the truth. this world we're in now, it's a "what have you done for me 2 minutes ago" type of world, where people forget favors, and are unkind sometimes, that's very hurtful. my dad's been having a big time attitude, doesn't want to hear anything, but he's been borrowing from me too, and i proudly help, with our home , ultilities, he gets bent out of shape, due to Holly getting an amazon delivery, that has items in it, for OUR HOME!!! she buys trash bags, paper towels, cups, plates, you name it, she does and does, and she gives my mom and dad a check every  month, Lisa and Kayla don't even contribute, a miniscule $25 and it's for my mom ,to do Kayla's and Lisa's laundry,  yeah, big help there, not!!! this is really upsetting, and i talked with my mom earlier, i told her,  my dad's out of line, and needs to check his thoughts, because Holly helps plenty, and i do too. Holly and i haven't been cleaning up our entire yard this  year, only the garden areas, because last year, we broke our backs in spring time ,cleaning up the yard, of messes other people made, and then hearing throughout summer, "oh ,our yard isn't good enough for Jenn and family to come over, we're embarassed". that hurt Holly and i, emotionally, because we did a lot, and i hurt my back last spring with a lingering pain that comes back every now and then, literally breaking my back to help clean up our yard, for it to be put down, it's very sad. 

back to the Lisa situation, she has changed a lot in the past 4 years, and she has become a drinker, bacgk to smoking, and she doesn't take care of herself, and she's barely around here. she quit her  job at dominos, and is now on unemployment. i went upstairs today, and talked with my mom, about in this home, i will only be helping my mom, dad, Holly, from now on, when it comes to money. Lisa heard that, good. has a hissy fit at my mom, because i asked for 1 extra coffee, for real, and i can loan her $1500 in march, and i front her Christmas bonus she use too recieve at dominos, because the check needed extra time to be approved, $800, $900, even $1200 this past december, i helped her for years with this, so she could Christmas shop. i'm disappointed in my dad's behavior, his attitude also. i don't keep score with how much i help, but i gotta say, their new car, i helped them get it, i helped them get their car fixed,  when the manufactor  helped  with the new engine, recently there was a saturday, where my mom and dad went to new london, ct,  after shopping, and didn't even invite Holly and i to go with them for the car ride., it hurt our feelings, because they went to Captain Scott's. Holly and i do enjoy going out, it's just we don't drive, and the invites are far and in between. i don't get enough respect, from my family, for helping, i don't think Holly recieves enough either. Lisa  needs any financioual help from now on ,she can go ask Charlie,  Bobby, or Jenn, and see, how much they help her, they don't even talk with her. 

i also need my mom to listen. my mom comes to me, all kinds of problems, i listen ,listen, and help, advice i give, and i listen some more, but when i need too, i hear, "chris, stop it, i don't want to hear this", and i look at my mom ,saying, "mom, i need you, like you needed me, all those times you needed to talk.". i'm sick of not standing up for myself, and i'm sick of being told, to not talk. i'm done, and i will talk, and i can write too. my mom deals a lot with this, where people are like this to her, i asked her, how i can let it go, and move on with my days, knowing that i've been hurt, and not treated right.

Lisa really ticked me off recently, Holly was sick with the cold near pneumonia in April, and Holly asked Lisa, if she could drive her, to the urgent care, Lisa first said she couldn't. She has driven down to my brother Charlie's though,to bring him ciggarattes, and to bring him money, so  he can buy alcohol, and hard liquor, but first turns down Holly's request, it's wrong, very wrong. Holly sold her car in 2020, and gave my mom and dad, half the money. i think my dad was  very out of line, to have an issue, with Holly getting an amazon delivery for items we need, in our home. pure and simple. i try, i do , very hard to see the light and good in all, but i gotta say, i feel very disappointed in family right now, like, "what's gotten into  everyone!!!" i need to share this, i need to let you all, our dear angel friends know, exactly sometimes what's going on here, and why i'm sometimes down ,depressed, stressed, anxious,  it's because of the going on's in this house, and within our family, of pure unkindness, unfairness, and lack of respect. i'm done helping, i will help my mom, dad, Holly, and surprisingly Alyssa too, she's stepped up, she's helped a lot, she brought Holly to the urgent care in April, to CVS, doesn't expect anything, and i too, don't expect anything ,but you think, that maybe, a nice small favor request, of an extra iced coffee, that we're paying for, wouldn't be too much to ask for, but apparently it is, especially for someone who had no problem borrowing $1,500 from me, not anymore, i wont, and will not subject my heart, spirit, and soul, to anymore of this absolute, EMOTIONAL ABUSE,and USING ME!!! no more. 

i'm putting together a baking friday adventure today, for the kids, and friends, you all deserve that goodness, Holly and i deserve that goodness too. the kids, Holly, and i baking later, i'm not speaking with my dad, and Lisa, and that's a good thing right now, i want them to think of their short-comings of being kind ,and to work on themselves, to become kind again ,because somewhere along the line ,they both have forgot kindness. if Lisa was kind also, she would have remembered last september when she was sick up in Franklin, Ct, to not come here, to not expose us all to covid, that's given us lingering long haul symptoms. she exposed us all, never apologized, and we had to go through that horrible time, because of her, it was her fault, and we blame her, and to this day, we still would want an apology. it was her, who could have stayed right where she was, they all had it up there, and she came here, and we all got it, and almost lost our lives because of her!! i'm not helping her, anymore, and that's how i will find my peace, because there will be a time, when she's up against it, financially, and she will need my help, but i will request to her, to go ask another family member. it's all i gotta say. 

i want today to be a good day, i did decorate the kitchen, gonna send out baking friday texts. thank you angel friends, for always being here. i'm very hurt right now, due to family stuff, my heart is very sad and hurting ,but i'm gonna give it my all this evening, with a really good baking friday journal, i promise that, because here on ds, you all are understanding, you all give amazing respect, love, care, comfort, and it brings me joy, to know, that when emotions here in our home are like a hurricane and tornado, i can find a balanced peace here on DS, i so very much need <3 thank you <3