Some days you just want to give up
This is one of those days that you just want to give up. It was a horrible night and the only things that I have to be thankful for was that it hit the fan when it was too late to go to the liquor store and that I managed to get ahold of my sponsor and the she was able to talk me down. She had me outside laying in the driveway looking at the stars. (Thanks Shay) Now the problem is still there and I am still horribly upset about it but at least I have calmed down. I think I have crashed into a depression over the whole thing. I mean I figured the depression was coming soon enough because of being in a manic phase for almost 2 days but that whole thing just gave me a violent shove over to the depressed side. Now the next problem is that I have been asked by my sponsor to do my 4th step and not only do I not want to do it but she asked me to wait until I was depressed to do it so I could concentrate and focus. That means it is time to break out the paper and pen and get busy. I am so scared that I am going to end up drinking over all this. I am already wanting to drink amongst other things and I am so scared that once I start this 4th step it is going go give me a violent shove into a major binge. I am feeling so overwhelmed today. I do not want to lift my head off the pillow much less doing anything that could possibly make things worse and I KNOW that drinking or other things would just make things worse. I KNOW that I have come a long way with struggling to stay sober this time and I really don't want to screw that up either. I KNOW that my kid needs me and that I need to stay clean sober and not so crazy for her. I am scared that she is going out tonight and I will be home alone. In fact she will be leaving very shortly so I will be home alone for quite some time this evening. I guess I will chain myself to the chair and throw the key out of reach and do this 4th step this evening. Hopefully I can hold it together and not chew through the chains so that I can get out of this house or do anything else. I feel guilty needing to talk to my friends and burden them with all my crap all the time. I want to just isolate and not talk to anyone. I love my girlfriend very much and she has always been so supportive but now I don't even have that. I know my sponsor doesn't care but I am starting to even feel guilty for having so much shit to deal with and have her listen to all of it. Well I am certain that I am not done ranting and rambling but I am tired of writing for now. Maybe will write somemore later.
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