sociopath husband "sam the sociopath"
what now!!!!
after 11 years, full of lies betrayal false promises etc i come upon an article about sociopaths and guess what ?! my husband ticks all the boxes....
so i feel the only way for me to come to a place of understanding whether to leave and give up on him. or to stay and support him and hope to hell he manages to try hard at making the rite choices in life. I have to start from the beginning.
I haven't always been in the healthiest relationships. My first boyfriend was awesome! so awesome i fucked it up because i was too scared he would leave me. to describe it perfectly was that when i love i love hard! when i hurt i hurt hard! and when im angry i am horrible!
and to add insult to injury he was my first love my first everything. so after 2 and a half years he ended it i couldn't understand that "my love" gave up on us and he walked away clean no feelings no love. just a sense of pity he had of me.
to say i took it hard was an understatement, i pined over him for two more years i lost so much weight and respect for myself. I became the BROKEN GIRL.
I landed my self in a "clinic" at a mere 38kg and a hope that he would see my pain and run back to me. i felt defeated.... and to add insult to injury whilst in the clinic i bonded with a girl and after some time we both realized that the boy i spoke of was her boy now.... small town issues....
so after realizing that i suffered from bipolar and a poor opinion about myself i tried my hardest to pull my head out of my ass.
WELL DID NOT LAST LONG!
I met boyfriend number 2, what a charmer big muscular i felt protected and he had such a hold on me.
destructive relationship number 2.... abusive was to light to describe !!!! but like i said i love hard so i stayed ! until he left.
after that i just decided to be alone and that didn't last long when i met him ! lets call him SAM!
Sam wasn't my type we met at a night club he was charming. i generally have a way of reading people i just couldn't put my finger on it at the time so i shrugged it off as me being silly damaged from 2 previous relationships i thought i was being a bit judgmental.
we dated casually and then somehow unknown to me we had broken up. i saw him out with another girl. so i moved on shrugged it off to him being an asshole.
then a month later he kept phoning and persisting he had made the biggest mistake of his life. and he got scared because I WAS THE ONE!!!! so i took him back and not only that in 6 months we got back together we moved to another city moved in together and i fell pregnant. YIP WOW. he didn't even propose we came to a decision ROMANTIC hey.
so to sum up the last 11 years.... he has lied about big things small things most things. he had a drinking problem hit me around a few times broke promises defaulted on rent loans most bills. and I believed what he was telling me! well some part of me knew he was lying i was just to scared to hear the truth. he always made me believe we had the money to spend but in fact we owed that money to other people. he was impulsive irresponsible he felt no guilt no remorse. he would act like he did but i knew he didn't.
but i stayed thinking and hoping he would change. i thought if i nagged and begged. shouted and sreamed he would wake up and change. what i didn't realize is that my two kids were suffering! BECAUSE i obsessed about getting the truth out of him i didn't realize they were watching me fight there father for truth and love. did i mention i had another child with him in the 11 years!!!!!! whilst i was pregnant he told me that he only impregnated me because he thought it would fix us. he told me he wanted a baby girl i believed that. he said he was angry when he said it would fix us he said it was out of anger. but to this day i dont believe him. did i tell you we moved to another country he said to make a better life for us. i thought he would have a fresh chance at change that he would grow up etc etc. well wasn't long until i caught him in a few lies. and a few defaulted payments. so now far away from family what do i do. what are my choices....
its been mostly downs than ups. the way i see it is with me being bipolar i feel emotion deeply to my core and a sociopath feels little emotion like they were born without a chip.
if only there was a way i could get myself the chip it would save my little family.
but now! to the TWO choices.
1. Do i leave, i have no job i am dependent on him. will it hurt my children am i being selfish by breaking up my little family. will he be ok without me forcefully guiding him in the rite direction when he gets an itch to do something irresponsible.
2. do i stay and never feel what true love feels like. be able for a man to tell me something and for me to be able to believe him 100% even when i ask " DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS?" I WANT TO FEEL FREE free from all the lies i just want peace to know every bill is paid. is our retirement taken care of etc etc. i just want to feel looked after cared for.
IS IT SO HARD TO WANT LOVE, TRUTH AND RESPONSIBILITY. and to actually have it.
Well thats my life in a just. still on the fence with the two choices.... just feels good to write about it even if the grammar and punctuation is atrocious. i have never written about it or said it out loud so feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.
SO I HAVE VOWED TO MYSELF THAT EVERY DAY I WILL TRY MY BEST AT WRITING ONE BAD AND GOOD MEMORY IN MY JOURNAL AND IN GOOD TIME I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DETERMINE WHETHER ITS WORTH SAVING OR NOT.
BG xx
after 11 years, full of lies betrayal false promises etc i come upon an article about sociopaths and guess what ?! my husband ticks all the boxes....
so i feel the only way for me to come to a place of understanding whether to leave and give up on him. or to stay and support him and hope to hell he manages to try hard at making the rite choices in life. I have to start from the beginning.
I haven't always been in the healthiest relationships. My first boyfriend was awesome! so awesome i fucked it up because i was too scared he would leave me. to describe it perfectly was that when i love i love hard! when i hurt i hurt hard! and when im angry i am horrible!
and to add insult to injury he was my first love my first everything. so after 2 and a half years he ended it i couldn't understand that "my love" gave up on us and he walked away clean no feelings no love. just a sense of pity he had of me.
to say i took it hard was an understatement, i pined over him for two more years i lost so much weight and respect for myself. I became the BROKEN GIRL.
I landed my self in a "clinic" at a mere 38kg and a hope that he would see my pain and run back to me. i felt defeated.... and to add insult to injury whilst in the clinic i bonded with a girl and after some time we both realized that the boy i spoke of was her boy now.... small town issues....
so after realizing that i suffered from bipolar and a poor opinion about myself i tried my hardest to pull my head out of my ass.
WELL DID NOT LAST LONG!
I met boyfriend number 2, what a charmer big muscular i felt protected and he had such a hold on me.
destructive relationship number 2.... abusive was to light to describe !!!! but like i said i love hard so i stayed ! until he left.
after that i just decided to be alone and that didn't last long when i met him ! lets call him SAM!
Sam wasn't my type we met at a night club he was charming. i generally have a way of reading people i just couldn't put my finger on it at the time so i shrugged it off as me being silly damaged from 2 previous relationships i thought i was being a bit judgmental.
we dated casually and then somehow unknown to me we had broken up. i saw him out with another girl. so i moved on shrugged it off to him being an asshole.
then a month later he kept phoning and persisting he had made the biggest mistake of his life. and he got scared because I WAS THE ONE!!!! so i took him back and not only that in 6 months we got back together we moved to another city moved in together and i fell pregnant. YIP WOW. he didn't even propose we came to a decision ROMANTIC hey.
so to sum up the last 11 years.... he has lied about big things small things most things. he had a drinking problem hit me around a few times broke promises defaulted on rent loans most bills. and I believed what he was telling me! well some part of me knew he was lying i was just to scared to hear the truth. he always made me believe we had the money to spend but in fact we owed that money to other people. he was impulsive irresponsible he felt no guilt no remorse. he would act like he did but i knew he didn't.
but i stayed thinking and hoping he would change. i thought if i nagged and begged. shouted and sreamed he would wake up and change. what i didn't realize is that my two kids were suffering! BECAUSE i obsessed about getting the truth out of him i didn't realize they were watching me fight there father for truth and love. did i mention i had another child with him in the 11 years!!!!!! whilst i was pregnant he told me that he only impregnated me because he thought it would fix us. he told me he wanted a baby girl i believed that. he said he was angry when he said it would fix us he said it was out of anger. but to this day i dont believe him. did i tell you we moved to another country he said to make a better life for us. i thought he would have a fresh chance at change that he would grow up etc etc. well wasn't long until i caught him in a few lies. and a few defaulted payments. so now far away from family what do i do. what are my choices....
its been mostly downs than ups. the way i see it is with me being bipolar i feel emotion deeply to my core and a sociopath feels little emotion like they were born without a chip.
if only there was a way i could get myself the chip it would save my little family.
but now! to the TWO choices.
1. Do i leave, i have no job i am dependent on him. will it hurt my children am i being selfish by breaking up my little family. will he be ok without me forcefully guiding him in the rite direction when he gets an itch to do something irresponsible.
2. do i stay and never feel what true love feels like. be able for a man to tell me something and for me to be able to believe him 100% even when i ask " DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS?" I WANT TO FEEL FREE free from all the lies i just want peace to know every bill is paid. is our retirement taken care of etc etc. i just want to feel looked after cared for.
IS IT SO HARD TO WANT LOVE, TRUTH AND RESPONSIBILITY. and to actually have it.
Well thats my life in a just. still on the fence with the two choices.... just feels good to write about it even if the grammar and punctuation is atrocious. i have never written about it or said it out loud so feeling overwhelmed is an understatement.
SO I HAVE VOWED TO MYSELF THAT EVERY DAY I WILL TRY MY BEST AT WRITING ONE BAD AND GOOD MEMORY IN MY JOURNAL AND IN GOOD TIME I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DETERMINE WHETHER ITS WORTH SAVING OR NOT.
BG xx
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