Social Anxiety Disorder and Online Dating
A little about me:I'm a single man at 30 years of age. I take care of myself, I make decent money, I'm creative, musical, articulate, intelligent, passionate, funny, and have plans for my future. I've lived in the same city for 8 years and am building a career for myself. I suffer from bipolar disorder, but have stabilized over the last 3 years.
I've been out of the dating scene for three years to the day. Every day, I've been working on myself to become a better and more accurate version of who I really am and want to be. After months of exercise, healthy eating and lifestyle improvements, I'm ready to start putting myself out there again. But because my lifestyle grants little time for social outings, I've decided to try online dating. I tried it five years ago but was suffering from major depressive disorder and wasn't very marketable, you know, hating the world and all.
So this time I took the time to research online dating to understand the changes in online dating throughout the last 5 years - best methods for success, catchy formats for profiles, best types of pictures to post, simple and successful formats that garner responses after the first message, the ratio of men to women, the most effective sites, etc.
Cut to six weeks after no success, a wave of insecurity has crashed over me - a mixture of emotions circling throughout my mind during the day, including frustration, confusion, regret, sadness, anger, hope, fear, loneliness, and doubt.
This second failed attempt at online dating isn't the source of these feelings but it is the spark that has reignited the feelings that I've suppressed or "managed" for the last three years.
I feel as though I can't speak without fear of judgement from family, coworkers or even strangers. Take note that I didn't mention friends because truthfully, I have none of any significance.
I look at all of the people in my life and see them happy with their relationships, whether it is marriage or friendship. That source of happiness doesn't exist for me, with the exception of family. Unfortunately, a sense of community happens to be one of the most necessary things in a person's life to remain stable.
But even my family judges me. I constantly receive feedback from every one of them about how there are things I should have done differently or how I should be more open minded. Now I don't take for granted that in between those bits of feedback, I do receive compliments of progress and the evolution of my personality and maturity. But it's hard to focus on the compliments when they are sandwiched between what I perceive as constructive criticism mixed with an unspoken layer of disappointment.
I thought I was making progress with my insecurities. When writing my bio for the online dating sites, I felt as though it was the truest and most accurate representation of myself that has ever been posted throughout my history with online dating. My confidence was significantly boosted after receiving positive feedback about my bio from my family and coworkers.
My self-worth was elevated and I felt primed to try online dating again. So I joined Tinder, OkCupid, Match, Plenty of Fish, and Coffee Meets Bagel. I wanted to cast a wide net.
After the first two weeks went by without results, I was a bit confused, but carried on.
Then the third week went by, still nothing - hundreds of profiles with a match ratio of 1 in 1000 with any real potential. Why is a 45 year old, religious, obese woman with an obvious lack of education and social etiquette showing up in my match list?!
Finally in the fourth week, a woman piqued my interest and she reciprocated with a "like". So, fueled by my renewed confidence, I sent her a message. I never received a response. Tack on several more of these incidents.
Yes! Another match that caught my attention and she reciprocated - I sent her a message. She disabled her account 6 hours after reading my message.
A fifth match in week six - she mutually "liked" me on Tinder. I sent her a message, we exchanged a few more and I made the decision to ask her to meet. The next day she "unliked" me. The conversation thread was gone and I could no longer see or contact her.
But wait…another match! We exchanged a few messages and then there was an indefinite radio silence.
After six weeks of exposure to the world of online dating, as a quality candidate, and literally no amount of success, I could only assume that my approach was ineffective. But how can that be? Six weeks without one single date? Something is off. Surely, it's reasonable to expect at least one date within six weeks.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "Your messages are probably scaring them off". But I can't imagine how a simple, creative and genuine interest in a woman's personality is off-putting. I didn't send a dick pic, I didn't comment on physical attributes, I didn't immediately ask to meet - none of that douchebaggery. Is a profile like mine too good to be true or something? What's the problem? I constantly see generic and boring profiles with no quality, yet many women state, "If I don't see a reference to something in my profile in your first message, I will not respond". Complete hypocrisy.
So, what DO you respond to? I invested a significant amount of time and thought into how to market myself and you women have the nerve to post an ultimatum when you put no thought at all into genuinely describing yourself.
"I'm 5'6", brown hair, blue eyes, and thin. I love long walks on the beach and the outdoors. My friends would describe me as genuine, funny, outgoing, happy-go-lucky, adventurous, and loving. I love movies and TV and on Fridays you can find me at a club downtown or at home watching a show on Netflix."
Knock it off. I want to hear what YOU think of yourself. Those profiles have no class and their lack of creativity is a complete turn off. Grow up and don't create a profile when you're drunk at your friend's house party.
The purpose of online dating is to offer a dating option for those with a busy lifestyle to cut through all of the red tape. Yet, there are people who think that the unspoken "game" that comes along with traditional dating should still exist, digitally. Let’s talk about that game.
Two of those people in my life both tried online dating and met each other on Match five years ago. They have been married for two years. They seem certain that the most successful approach to online dating is to "fake it until you make it". By that, they mean that the man should pretend as though he has more important things to do than be on an online dating site. But secretly he's very eager. I was confused when they told me that, and I still am. I don't think being excited to try something new is a bad thing. And I'm not even completely focused on dating. I just want to meet people and build a circle of friends. I should have more friends. It's that simple.
They suggest that the man's strategy is meant to tease the woman by playing hard to get so that she is desperate to receive a response from him. She described her dating experience with her husband as aggravating and torturous while waiting for his response after five days ("don't let him see how psycho you are!"). She experienced intense insecurity, wondering why he wasn’t writing back, convincing herself that she said the wrong thing or wasn’t pretty enough. They spent two weeks emailing each other prior to meeting in person. I can't imagine how that was rewarding or enjoyable. I'm paying for online dating to meet in person, not to have a pen pal. And there is nothing wrong with expecting an immediate return on my investment; especially considering I'm paying a lot of money for these services.
My negative self-talk has resurfaced with a new intensity. The difference is that this time I'm mentally stable enough to review these feelings through introspection and break them down to understand why I'm truly upset. And I happened to stumble upon the answer while debating the online dating topics with this couple.
They said early on in online dating conversations I shouldn't be desperate because women can smell desperation a mile away, even through a computer. So I asked, "What is so desperate about wanting to meet in person?" Why beat around the bush? Why try online dating if you scare so easily when someone asks to meet? Are women afraid of meeting creepers or rapists? Two people "like" each other online; what's the problem? That "like" only happened because they learned more about each other in a matter of minutes than two people would through traditional dating over a period of days or even weeks.
Later on in the conversation I said, "I'm just concerned that by the age of 40 I will still be single". They called me out and said "That right there; that's the desperation we're referring to."
And that's when it hit me. I'll take you one step further and reveal my true concern. I'm afraid of dying alone, never having fallen in love or shared my life with a partner. I think this is a universal and relatable fear that strikes every person at some point in their life and grows every year. But I seem to be stuck in this rut and sort of forgot about it or ignored it over the past three years. And now, three years of suppression is hitting me hard.
I know I'm a catch and I have enough belief in myself to know I deserve this type of happiness.
I've never been one to go out of my way to be social, I constantly struggle with communication, I'm rigid with my routines and hobbies, and I'm easily distracted.
This is the definition of social anxiety disorder. And it’s something I’ve been coping with all of my life.
After all of this online dating nonsense, I no longer feel comfortable saying anything to anyone or contributing to a conversation for fear of judgement. It’s like years of progress has been undone. I have a track record logged over years of feedback of saying the wrong things or being unable to read body language and facial queues. I have a problem with interrupting people during conversation and I can see myself doing it but it just comes out of me, uncontrollably. I so badly want to be part of the community around me but I don't understand how to let it happen naturally. As a result, I establish a negative brand for myself. And while inaccurate, that brand is what people remember. I'm never going to stop being a project and I dread that thought. I would love for one day to go by without having to worry about developing myself or caring about what people think. But I don't think that's possible.
Okay, so I'm afraid of dying alone. Why? Maybe because it would mean that my life had no meaning; that the most human goal to have an impact on someone else's life was never achieved in any significant way. Perhaps a legacy will never have been left behind; that the world would just keep turning and no one would care that I was here.
I used to care about fairness a lot. But I've surrendered to the reality that life is very unfair and it is my responsibility to find the silver lining and use negative experiences as platforms for future success. But why am I the one that has to continue doing this? Will I ever be on the receiving end of good fortune? I know, I know. I have a family, I'm making decent money, I have shelter and food, and I’m healthy, bla bla bla. That's not what I'm referring to. I've already counted my blessings.
I don't know how to make these feelings go away other than to again surrender to the recently realized possibility that I may very well die alone. But that would mean I've truly lost hope and the only emotions left are frustration, regret, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, and doubt. And that, above all, is the most unacceptable part of all of this.
It's amazing to me and incredibly crushing that an attempt to share my life with people has resulted in me not wanting to share it at all.
It’s unlikely that I will continue wasting my efforts on online dating as it has me entangled in a web of self-doubt and reclusiveness.
But if anyone has a compelling reason to stick with it, please speak your mind.
I've been out of the dating scene for three years to the day. Every day, I've been working on myself to become a better and more accurate version of who I really am and want to be. After months of exercise, healthy eating and lifestyle improvements, I'm ready to start putting myself out there again. But because my lifestyle grants little time for social outings, I've decided to try online dating. I tried it five years ago but was suffering from major depressive disorder and wasn't very marketable, you know, hating the world and all.
So this time I took the time to research online dating to understand the changes in online dating throughout the last 5 years - best methods for success, catchy formats for profiles, best types of pictures to post, simple and successful formats that garner responses after the first message, the ratio of men to women, the most effective sites, etc.
Cut to six weeks after no success, a wave of insecurity has crashed over me - a mixture of emotions circling throughout my mind during the day, including frustration, confusion, regret, sadness, anger, hope, fear, loneliness, and doubt.
This second failed attempt at online dating isn't the source of these feelings but it is the spark that has reignited the feelings that I've suppressed or "managed" for the last three years.
I feel as though I can't speak without fear of judgement from family, coworkers or even strangers. Take note that I didn't mention friends because truthfully, I have none of any significance.
I look at all of the people in my life and see them happy with their relationships, whether it is marriage or friendship. That source of happiness doesn't exist for me, with the exception of family. Unfortunately, a sense of community happens to be one of the most necessary things in a person's life to remain stable.
But even my family judges me. I constantly receive feedback from every one of them about how there are things I should have done differently or how I should be more open minded. Now I don't take for granted that in between those bits of feedback, I do receive compliments of progress and the evolution of my personality and maturity. But it's hard to focus on the compliments when they are sandwiched between what I perceive as constructive criticism mixed with an unspoken layer of disappointment.
I thought I was making progress with my insecurities. When writing my bio for the online dating sites, I felt as though it was the truest and most accurate representation of myself that has ever been posted throughout my history with online dating. My confidence was significantly boosted after receiving positive feedback about my bio from my family and coworkers.
My self-worth was elevated and I felt primed to try online dating again. So I joined Tinder, OkCupid, Match, Plenty of Fish, and Coffee Meets Bagel. I wanted to cast a wide net.
After the first two weeks went by without results, I was a bit confused, but carried on.
Then the third week went by, still nothing - hundreds of profiles with a match ratio of 1 in 1000 with any real potential. Why is a 45 year old, religious, obese woman with an obvious lack of education and social etiquette showing up in my match list?!
Finally in the fourth week, a woman piqued my interest and she reciprocated with a "like". So, fueled by my renewed confidence, I sent her a message. I never received a response. Tack on several more of these incidents.
Yes! Another match that caught my attention and she reciprocated - I sent her a message. She disabled her account 6 hours after reading my message.
A fifth match in week six - she mutually "liked" me on Tinder. I sent her a message, we exchanged a few more and I made the decision to ask her to meet. The next day she "unliked" me. The conversation thread was gone and I could no longer see or contact her.
But wait…another match! We exchanged a few messages and then there was an indefinite radio silence.
After six weeks of exposure to the world of online dating, as a quality candidate, and literally no amount of success, I could only assume that my approach was ineffective. But how can that be? Six weeks without one single date? Something is off. Surely, it's reasonable to expect at least one date within six weeks.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "Your messages are probably scaring them off". But I can't imagine how a simple, creative and genuine interest in a woman's personality is off-putting. I didn't send a dick pic, I didn't comment on physical attributes, I didn't immediately ask to meet - none of that douchebaggery. Is a profile like mine too good to be true or something? What's the problem? I constantly see generic and boring profiles with no quality, yet many women state, "If I don't see a reference to something in my profile in your first message, I will not respond". Complete hypocrisy.
So, what DO you respond to? I invested a significant amount of time and thought into how to market myself and you women have the nerve to post an ultimatum when you put no thought at all into genuinely describing yourself.
"I'm 5'6", brown hair, blue eyes, and thin. I love long walks on the beach and the outdoors. My friends would describe me as genuine, funny, outgoing, happy-go-lucky, adventurous, and loving. I love movies and TV and on Fridays you can find me at a club downtown or at home watching a show on Netflix."
Knock it off. I want to hear what YOU think of yourself. Those profiles have no class and their lack of creativity is a complete turn off. Grow up and don't create a profile when you're drunk at your friend's house party.
The purpose of online dating is to offer a dating option for those with a busy lifestyle to cut through all of the red tape. Yet, there are people who think that the unspoken "game" that comes along with traditional dating should still exist, digitally. Let’s talk about that game.
Two of those people in my life both tried online dating and met each other on Match five years ago. They have been married for two years. They seem certain that the most successful approach to online dating is to "fake it until you make it". By that, they mean that the man should pretend as though he has more important things to do than be on an online dating site. But secretly he's very eager. I was confused when they told me that, and I still am. I don't think being excited to try something new is a bad thing. And I'm not even completely focused on dating. I just want to meet people and build a circle of friends. I should have more friends. It's that simple.
They suggest that the man's strategy is meant to tease the woman by playing hard to get so that she is desperate to receive a response from him. She described her dating experience with her husband as aggravating and torturous while waiting for his response after five days ("don't let him see how psycho you are!"). She experienced intense insecurity, wondering why he wasn’t writing back, convincing herself that she said the wrong thing or wasn’t pretty enough. They spent two weeks emailing each other prior to meeting in person. I can't imagine how that was rewarding or enjoyable. I'm paying for online dating to meet in person, not to have a pen pal. And there is nothing wrong with expecting an immediate return on my investment; especially considering I'm paying a lot of money for these services.
My negative self-talk has resurfaced with a new intensity. The difference is that this time I'm mentally stable enough to review these feelings through introspection and break them down to understand why I'm truly upset. And I happened to stumble upon the answer while debating the online dating topics with this couple.
They said early on in online dating conversations I shouldn't be desperate because women can smell desperation a mile away, even through a computer. So I asked, "What is so desperate about wanting to meet in person?" Why beat around the bush? Why try online dating if you scare so easily when someone asks to meet? Are women afraid of meeting creepers or rapists? Two people "like" each other online; what's the problem? That "like" only happened because they learned more about each other in a matter of minutes than two people would through traditional dating over a period of days or even weeks.
Later on in the conversation I said, "I'm just concerned that by the age of 40 I will still be single". They called me out and said "That right there; that's the desperation we're referring to."
And that's when it hit me. I'll take you one step further and reveal my true concern. I'm afraid of dying alone, never having fallen in love or shared my life with a partner. I think this is a universal and relatable fear that strikes every person at some point in their life and grows every year. But I seem to be stuck in this rut and sort of forgot about it or ignored it over the past three years. And now, three years of suppression is hitting me hard.
I know I'm a catch and I have enough belief in myself to know I deserve this type of happiness.
I've never been one to go out of my way to be social, I constantly struggle with communication, I'm rigid with my routines and hobbies, and I'm easily distracted.
This is the definition of social anxiety disorder. And it’s something I’ve been coping with all of my life.
After all of this online dating nonsense, I no longer feel comfortable saying anything to anyone or contributing to a conversation for fear of judgement. It’s like years of progress has been undone. I have a track record logged over years of feedback of saying the wrong things or being unable to read body language and facial queues. I have a problem with interrupting people during conversation and I can see myself doing it but it just comes out of me, uncontrollably. I so badly want to be part of the community around me but I don't understand how to let it happen naturally. As a result, I establish a negative brand for myself. And while inaccurate, that brand is what people remember. I'm never going to stop being a project and I dread that thought. I would love for one day to go by without having to worry about developing myself or caring about what people think. But I don't think that's possible.
Okay, so I'm afraid of dying alone. Why? Maybe because it would mean that my life had no meaning; that the most human goal to have an impact on someone else's life was never achieved in any significant way. Perhaps a legacy will never have been left behind; that the world would just keep turning and no one would care that I was here.
I used to care about fairness a lot. But I've surrendered to the reality that life is very unfair and it is my responsibility to find the silver lining and use negative experiences as platforms for future success. But why am I the one that has to continue doing this? Will I ever be on the receiving end of good fortune? I know, I know. I have a family, I'm making decent money, I have shelter and food, and I’m healthy, bla bla bla. That's not what I'm referring to. I've already counted my blessings.
I don't know how to make these feelings go away other than to again surrender to the recently realized possibility that I may very well die alone. But that would mean I've truly lost hope and the only emotions left are frustration, regret, sadness, anger, fear, loneliness, and doubt. And that, above all, is the most unacceptable part of all of this.
It's amazing to me and incredibly crushing that an attempt to share my life with people has resulted in me not wanting to share it at all.
It’s unlikely that I will continue wasting my efforts on online dating as it has me entangled in a web of self-doubt and reclusiveness.
But if anyone has a compelling reason to stick with it, please speak your mind.
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