So upset.
I am so tired... What I have to deal with because of them is bad enough. I can't believe things have got to the stage where I'm too embarrassed to share some of the hardest parts on here, anonymously, because of what people might think. This is supposed to be safe for me. I should be able to write anything here and tell the truth in any level of detail I would find helpful, but I'm too scared. I feel so pathetic.
I don't want to feel disgusting, but I do. That's not my fault, but if people find me hard to deal with because of it, that's not their fault either, but it'd still hurt. It's like I've accepted that I'm not right, and I just don't want to burden others with the discomfort of having to deal with me.
I kind of want to build up courage and see him on purpose, on my terms, just so that I can look him in the eye and tell him exactly what it is that I go through now. But I can't, and I won't, and it would achieve nothing.
I feel like I've walked along this path for so long that it should be about over by now, only to meet 'level 2'. There's so much I've achieved, but it feels irrelevant now I have all new challenges to face along side maintaining my original level of progress, never dipping below the line.
I feel so alone right now.
I need my boyfriend. Just to laugh with and to hold. He sees me in a way I don't see myself, and I just want to be happy with him forever. He makes me want to get better instantly, and I can't. I try so hard. I just want to be at that place in my head where it's all alright and we can just live our lives, knowing and accepting what happened but still be happy and strong and I want every day to be a good day. I don't want to bring him down with all my problems. We have the best time together, but I always eventually end up in pain, whether it's a few hours or a few days down the line, and it ruins everything. I'm so sorry to him.
Tonight I cried in my mum's arms, and she talked to me and stroked my hair, and eventually she cried with me. She deserves more from her child than me. My poor mum. I love her, and I never wanted to make her feel like she had failed me. I'm so sorry mum.
And Dad, he came in and saw me crying, me and mum just looked at him and I think he knew. I just said I was alright and he left. Mum had to go tell him what had happened because I was too embarrassed. I'm so sorry to you too dad. You've been through enough.
I'm sorry to all the friends who don't believe me, and I'm even more sorry to the ones that do. The friends that I haven't told, I hope they know I still love and trust them, I just don't want things to change.
Why did I have to be such a fool? I hate myself. Look at what I've done.
I don't want to feel disgusting, but I do. That's not my fault, but if people find me hard to deal with because of it, that's not their fault either, but it'd still hurt. It's like I've accepted that I'm not right, and I just don't want to burden others with the discomfort of having to deal with me.
I kind of want to build up courage and see him on purpose, on my terms, just so that I can look him in the eye and tell him exactly what it is that I go through now. But I can't, and I won't, and it would achieve nothing.
I feel like I've walked along this path for so long that it should be about over by now, only to meet 'level 2'. There's so much I've achieved, but it feels irrelevant now I have all new challenges to face along side maintaining my original level of progress, never dipping below the line.
I feel so alone right now.
I need my boyfriend. Just to laugh with and to hold. He sees me in a way I don't see myself, and I just want to be happy with him forever. He makes me want to get better instantly, and I can't. I try so hard. I just want to be at that place in my head where it's all alright and we can just live our lives, knowing and accepting what happened but still be happy and strong and I want every day to be a good day. I don't want to bring him down with all my problems. We have the best time together, but I always eventually end up in pain, whether it's a few hours or a few days down the line, and it ruins everything. I'm so sorry to him.
Tonight I cried in my mum's arms, and she talked to me and stroked my hair, and eventually she cried with me. She deserves more from her child than me. My poor mum. I love her, and I never wanted to make her feel like she had failed me. I'm so sorry mum.
And Dad, he came in and saw me crying, me and mum just looked at him and I think he knew. I just said I was alright and he left. Mum had to go tell him what had happened because I was too embarrassed. I'm so sorry to you too dad. You've been through enough.
I'm sorry to all the friends who don't believe me, and I'm even more sorry to the ones that do. The friends that I haven't told, I hope they know I still love and trust them, I just don't want things to change.
Why did I have to be such a fool? I hate myself. Look at what I've done.
Replies
Big hugs!! I know it seems like you\'ve let people down by being you but the one thing that you have to do is give yourself some credit. The people that you think you\'ve let down are the ones who love you the most.
I know it doesn\'t always feel safe here but you can talk to me any time you want or need to.
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me to know that you\'re here. :)