So tired of just BEING TIRED
I have had two consecutive bad days - I feel like I'm crazy....I'm up and then the past two days I'm a fake - acting like I'm ok but in my heart I'm not okay...I just feel like I have lost myself....I was told yesterday that I never over-reacted - BUT NOW I over-react to everything....Oh yes it's understandable, I guess, BUT I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!! I'm getting worse with all these feelings....is it a choice? I try everyday to rise above this emotional hill just by working everyday - get dressed, put make up on, BLAH BLAH BLAH..but I want to run away if only I could get away from IT - but I can't because it's my heart that is breaking....JENNIFER, JENNIFER, JENNIFER.......
I CAN'T BREATHE, I CAN'T SEE THE RAINBOW, ALL I SEE IS "THIS IS MY LIFE NOW" - nothing to look forward to, day in and day out - SO SAD! Went to church last nite and I know God is right there for me, I know God loves me, I know God's son Jesus died for me; Why then do I have all these feelings that makes me FEEL so isolated and alone???
6 *&%$ months...seems like a lifetime already that I haven't talked to my daughter...seems like a lifetime that I have hugged her...seems like a lifetime that I have been feeling this way...I've lost myself in all this gut wrenching sadness and my only HOPE is that somewhere, somehow, it will work to the good...BUT TODAY I DON'T SEE HOW.
SO SAD THIS THURSDAY.....THE SUN IS OUT BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE RAINING. Vicki
I CAN'T BREATHE, I CAN'T SEE THE RAINBOW, ALL I SEE IS "THIS IS MY LIFE NOW" - nothing to look forward to, day in and day out - SO SAD! Went to church last nite and I know God is right there for me, I know God loves me, I know God's son Jesus died for me; Why then do I have all these feelings that makes me FEEL so isolated and alone???
6 *&%$ months...seems like a lifetime already that I haven't talked to my daughter...seems like a lifetime that I have hugged her...seems like a lifetime that I have been feeling this way...I've lost myself in all this gut wrenching sadness and my only HOPE is that somewhere, somehow, it will work to the good...BUT TODAY I DON'T SEE HOW.
SO SAD THIS THURSDAY.....THE SUN IS OUT BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE RAINING. Vicki
Replies
Vicki, six months feels like forever. I am 5 years on this journey and sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like forever. In the beginning I never would have believed I would heal as much as I have. To be truthful, I got sick of feeling sad and depressed even though I felt this was the way I \"should\" feel, after all I lost my son. Be gentle with yourself, no expectations, ride this awful rollercoaster the best you can. When you feel strong enough try to do something, any small thing to nurture yourself. Bubble bath, candles, wine, music, ice cream, reading..any and all. Sometimes the effort is so difficult but somehow we keep putting one foot in front of the other. Close your eyes and try to feel your Jennifer\'s spirit around you, see her face, her smile. I used to stare into the eyes of a picture of my son, trying to feel the love, actually I still do this, try to imagine his arms around me, his smile, his voice saying I Love You. Sending you much love and gentle hugs. Sue xoxo
With you and understanding every word that you are sharing. Of course you hate feeling this way, yet you are where you need to be for this moment. You must enter into these feelings and allow them just to BE... They are feelings and they are neither right nor wrong, yet a barometer of the inner stirrings of your healing heart.
The masks we must wear to make it in the outside world are needed for protection, yet here they are not. I am grateful you can shed it and just let it all out here because this is a place where each of us understands in ways no one else can nor would we truly want them to either.
Remember, for every two days that are gut wrenching and bring you to your knees you will have one that pops in and feels breathable. This is the wild wave of grief that you are riding so hold on dear friend as you are and please understand that there is NOTHING wrong with you. This is what grief looks and feels like and in order to heal you must do what you are doing... Grieve...
Nurture that tender heart and Sue gave you some wonderful recommendations. This is not a time to take yourself out behind the wood shed for floggings, yet a time to enter into the sorrow and know that the worst has already happened. Every step you take is one of healing now even when you doubt it ever could be, it is.
I am still here almost six years later and was right where you are. Other mothers a few steps further along on this path promised me I would survive and I trusted their truth and made it mine. You are surviving and learning how to carry your beloved daughter in a new way. Ask her to help you again and again and she will.
With you and sending loving care on this path with no road signs or directions.
Heart to heart and Hand in hand,
XO Joanie
Everything you feel is horribly normal. But let me share something with you: I have been examining my conscience for the sacrament of Reconciliation and, guess what? I am Human, I do not inflict intentional harm, I do not insult people or call them names, I try to love people and help them: in other words, I am a Human in a Human situation and I sometimes fail. None of this means anything to God. I know this to be absolute truth. And I know something else I just discovered: my feeling of unworthiness, of being unlovable (even by God), of being \"punished\" (by God Himself or by my own stupid Human choices), IS something I need to \"confess\", to put before God in words in the sacrament of Reconciliation, which I will do this Saturday.
I am very, very tired of this horror and this sadness which raises its ugly head without explanation, striking me down in a moment. I have lost any sense of self worth. After all, look what my daughter did, even though in her letter she said I was \"the light\" of her life, and she would love me and \"dream\" of me and I would \"always be Mommy\" to her: look what she did. Was it intentional, directed at me? absolutely not. Was it rational, a real choice (such as going into a store to rob someone and kill them)? FAR from it. She had no choice, her mental illness prevented it.
So my intellect/mind tells me: I am not unworthy, I was warned, I have been thoughtful of God every day for my entire life, I know Jesus died for me (if I had been the only person in the world, or you had been); I know He took on the form of Humanity and fully understands my Human failings; I know His mother suffered horribly while she worried about His future for His entire life and then watched the horrific end. I KNOW THIS. I don\'t FEEL IT. I am now going to struggle with this SPIRITUAL BATTLE. My only words to you are:
* comfort, I am with you sister
* hope, that you come to understand we are not able to comprehend the purpose of any life, even our own
* awareness that God is with you, every moment, and always has been
* forgiveness: for yourself, because somewhere in that pain is your need to take responsibility no matter the cause of the loss of your child
* open heart to God, very very hard, I\'m trying myself
Both of the responders before me speak truth. Are we ever going to be free of this pain? The answer is: no. But we must find the way to live with it, to continue toward our purpose even though we know not what that purpose is, and to be aware (at every moment) that God is with us. There is an enemy. Rebuke that enemy, pray, ask your personal physician for some medication (I know that 1/2 MG of Xanax can really help me to overcome hours of torment, allowing me to THINK and PRAY through them.)
WHY? Someone once answered, \"why not\". I find that answer intolerable. Unacceptable. And yet around the world as I type, there are thousands of mothers losing their children. There always have been. There always will be. And it isn\'t limited to our species, either. This is a temporary \"place\" but one that is exquisitely designed and IS NO ACCIDENT. What keeps me going, what keeps me alive, is knowing that God has a purpose for me, beyond what I accomplished by lovingly and persevering in my parental role in the life of a soul that came into the world a victim, perhaps even volunteered as such. And so do you.
It sucks. Absolutely.
That fake face we wear eventually falls away and we can be normal - our new normal. It is not that we are any less devastated but we learn to live with the pain. And enjoy life again.
I think you need to go somewhere that you can yell and scream and throw things and cry and cry. I find that I need to cry at times - if not I feel like I am going to explode. I think the over reacting is your body\'s way of decompressing. I understand how frustrating it is. I would explode at any little thing. One of the negative things was the way I treated my SIL. He has never been my favorite person but as I look back, I can see how unfair I was.
I can\'t remember if you are seeing a counselor or are taking medication. They are things to consider. I have always battled depression so medications have kept me above water. I know a lot of people benefit from grief counseling. I tried it but really didn\'t fit for me. We all have different ways of coping - there is no right or wrong way. The nice thing about FMO, is that we learn how others are coping with the feelings and we can take what we can use. I know you have probably heard all this before so feel free to ignore me.
Just know you are not alone.
Love and hugs.
Marlene
Vicki, I promise you that this pain does become managable over time. It will be 5 years in September since Ed left for Heaven and God, FMO and the other moms here have all helped me in the healing process. You are doing the best you can. I am proud of you for coming here, journaling and talking about beautiful Jennifer. Some days are harder than others. Just try to ride out the wave of hurt and know you are not alone.Tight, tight hugs, Linda
Dear Vicky; I know this horrible feeling to. I thought I was going insane. (panic attacks)all of this is normalzzzzzzzzz
Vicki, keep on faking it until you make it. I am single and had to return to work within weeks of my son\'s death. I like what Sue said about pampering yourself in between doing what you have to do. Six months is just a \"dot\" in time on this journey, dear one. All I have to offer is the promise that this will get gentler in time and that we do so understand those early days of feeling like we would go insane. I know it is so hard, but you have to feel it in order to ACCEPT it and acceptance is a biggy with me. It was only when I could accept what had happened and there was no way around it that I began to heal. And look forward. Hang in there, dear one, we are with you and understand each and every step of your unwanted journey.
Peace.
Vicki, sending you vibes of healing and peace as I am with you in this mess!!xoxoxo
After l loss my son I walked the same emotional path you are. I did grief counseling we had a mixed group I was the only one who lost a child but the basics were the same for everyone it was how to deal with someone you loved leaving you behind. That and meds..... I am still on meds after 5 years I do not see that going away. I saw my self starting to heal after joining this group. Like you putting words down and taking in the responses helped me feel not so alone . My hubby delt with this differently I did not like his way, I needed to find my own. You too will find a way to begin your healing process, there is not a time frame for this to work. The order in which things are done are as scrambled as the feelings you have now. Do what is right for you. You have already begun
Tight hugs Penny
Vicki, have you sought out the help of a counselor? It\'s possible that in addition to being a grieving mom you could have become clinically depressed...I know because it happen to me. It\'s a disturbance of brain chemicals brought on by a shock to your system...
Hugs dear SOTH, tight hugs. Marylou