So Tired
Tired of struggling, hurting, being alone, feeling inferior, having more obstacles thrown at me and trying to stay above water.
I am fat, ugly, old, decrepit and easily forgettable.
While I've tried to reach out and share encouragement and hope with others (right now mine is very faint and waivering) I have a hard time right now.
When I am at work or around people I try to put on that happy face , but cannot wait til I am back home and away from it all.
I'm back to going through the motions and not looking far ahead as I sometimes feel like things will never come together.
I've still got a few friends who I was to contact so we could get together or come see my new place, but I struggle and in the end don't bother. Family is nearby, but don't call or go see them much either. I just hide out in my cozy new place and try to forget everything.
Another birthday is days away. My only plan is to start the morning with my latest specialist to hear what is possibly eliminated from endless tests and blood work ups.
I suspect I will spend the rest of my day alone and feeling sorry for myself.
There's something sad to be alive for so many years and have not made a mark or impression .....
Life goes on.... :(
Replies
you make marks and impressions every day....just by being here we are listening and we care....I know I would love to come see your place but impossible as money issue is my own falling point in my life....I know what it is like to stay isolated....since breaking up with Bebe I have not done much outside stuff from home....except going out to buy something....which is bad in itself....
Anyway send pics of the new digs....we want to see your new home! of course you could put yourself in some too....so we all can tell you your not fat and ugly....which I know is true....
VQ
It sounds to me that you are dealing with depression. Have you checked with your Dr.? I dealt with depression for years and had many opf the same feeling you have shared. I am always here if you need someone to talk to. I have been dealing with my wife's diagnosis of having cancer and it's been a tough road and we are not through it yet. We have to have more testing this coming Tuesday but, I am still here for you as well.
I think it would be better for you to check in daily instead of once a mnth. You need alot of support and the longer you keep things inside, the harder it is to find that happy place that you can go to whenever things start going south.
It's pretty stressfull navigating a world that's constantly in a state of flux...even more so as we get older. No matter what problems you come across, chances are pretty good that one or more of us has had to deal with the same problem, and will be more then willing to help you with yours. So don't be a stranger and keep coming back even if it's just to say hello. A good habit to have is to journal every day.
We don't do things alone on this site, we do them together as one! We help each other over the potholes in the road of life! (If you live in the north, you will know what that means!)
~~~Peace~~~
I agree--it sounds like depression. Please take good care of yourself--eat balanced nutritious meals, get enough sleep but not too much, get out in the fresh air and exercise, even if it's just a walk. And remember that God made you and loves you supremely. Let Him speak to you from the Bible. I like the book of Philippians, and Psalms such as Psalm 23, 91, 33, and 34. I pray the Lord will comfort your heart and give you energy to move ahead in peace and joy.
Big hug, Kim.
I think those thoughts that we should leave a mark…. be special, are unrealistic. The vast majority of the human race are just ordinary. And ya know what? it’s ok. Purpose of life? I love my bird feeder in the morning. Those cheerful little voices showing me exactly what the purpose of life is. Being alive right now. That’s it. And it’s enough. Our minds that have been mounded by society to think the whole thing is a beauty contest. Fuck that. I like being simple and ordinary. No drama. Our habitat is to compare everything to ourselves. Exhausting!!!!
What if you were the only person left alive on the planet? Would you still be comparing yourself? To what? Some celebrity pic?
Give yourself a huge break Kim. Just love. Love yourself. Exactly as you are. I call that joining the human race. We all are different on the outside and very similar on the inside.
Hugs, your friend, Jason.
And I think you should listen to Bob and post more.
Just checking in. I want to thank you for your kind thoughts and messages.
With all going on I am struggling with big time depression and anxiety. I do have regular check in with a nurse and a social worker with my insurance. They suggested therapy or counseling, but I dont need more appts or expense right now.
J... you mentioned the birds...I must admit they have been good therapy for me. While I do just hide away in my apt, double windows look out onto my patio and courtyard where I have a feeder and birdbath. I have 2 bunnies, a chipmunk, a squirrel or 2 and a ton of birds that I love to watch come and go.
I have a few days off in a row and is nice. Tomorrow I am going to venture out for a bit.
good to see you again and hear that your making progress.....it helps to keep with the appointments that make a difference....if you think they are not a good value to your health then I see no reason to keep paying the copays or full payments you might be making....I am not saying cancel them but do an inventory of plus and minus to these appointments....and weigh the good with the bad....
anyway I am glad you get to see so much wildlife outside the window.....my only wildlife out there is occasional squirrel and my mutt that tries to chase birds....and the squirrel too....LOL