So this is my life now

This is so hard because I still feel for him the exact same way I felt driving home from our wedding, 15years ago. I remember it clear as day. But he no longer feels the same way. Yes, he cares about me. But nothing more than the compassion you would have for a friend. My heart has been broken so many times and so completely over the last few months. Every day brings a new pain. I miss life without this pain and dread and fear that is a constant ache in my gut. I had everything and I lost it all. I miss us so much.

I'm terrified. I've resorted to antidepressants and antianxiety medicine to get me through the day. Each hour of the day I'm just counting down to when I can take my meds and go to bed. I know that isn't healthy but I can't do any better right now. Between the fear of life without him, and the fear of how I'm going to take care of my animals (4 cats with expensive health issues), and the fear of how I'm going to afford to even pay for a divorce that I don't want...it's so overwhelming. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time but at least half of the days I wake up sobbing. I feel pathetic and unloved. I'm not strong enough for this. God I wish it would all just go away and I could wake up from this nightmare.