So sad today.

Just sad today. Had a nightmare about H cheating on me. Mentioned it and he very angrily said "I am NOT cheating on you". Because he totally is. I wish I had the smoking gun to confront him with. But I don't. Only the dozens and dozens and dozens of little proofs, every one of which he would lie to my face about. Although how he could explain away the fact that he SMELLED of her I don't know. Probably just that I'm paranoid. He vacillates between being extremely cold and pissed at me - probably his excuse to go to her, and then he's very loving and smug - delighted that he has two women, and maybe the tiniest bit guilty. What I hate now? (I think this may become a running list, as I hate something new every day). Today I hate that this man will have to be in my life forever. And I will never ever be able to scream the truth about him to the rafters or treat him the way he deserves or the way he's treated me. Because ultimately that would hurt my children, and God knows they need at least one parent to put them first. I wish I could just never see him again, get to work on moving on completely, and its simply not possible. I resent every moment he steals from my life.