So Sad So Sorry My Baby
I have not been on here for a while.
The guilt of my daughters suicide is paralyzing
My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too. I still exist here but my soul is gone.
I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.
I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.
I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.
So we looked forward to that date.
Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go
My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.
Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey's heart and ours too.
She just was not able to be independent of us.
Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible. Looking back now it seems like everything I had thought was trying to encourage her or help her become more independent was just making her feel more and more useless. I swear at the time I did not realize that but toward the end when she began to say how useless she felt it finally dawned on me that she heard those things through a different reality than I said them. Her reality was that she really never was able to gain that independence that I tried to make her have.
I was always thinking what would happen to her after our deaths. We were getting older and there was no one to take care of her. I never ever thought or dreamed that she would be gone before me,not in any way and certainly not in this most horrible unbearable way.
Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.
Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack.
All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.
We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast. I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.
I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey's depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.
I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.
I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say.
I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say.
I was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.
It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of course tell her that" I do love you," and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.
Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.
So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.
Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened, after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.
So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.
Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened, after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.
This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.
She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I'm elderly and my own daughter!
So I had a hard time moving past it and instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry. I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.
I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.
Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.
So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.
That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don't even now know where that came from.
Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.
For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.
She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.
Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In my anger with my face still stinging as I'm sure hers was I said Go Ahead.
NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.
Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.
Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.
I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.
She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.
Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.
That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .
Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced.
I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.
The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing.
Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced.
I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.
The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing.
She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.
The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.
So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.
So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.
She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.
Sorry I just had to say it all.
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Replies
My heart aches and breaks with you reading this. Of course you feel responsible and what happened between the two of you feels as if you were acting out old ways and patterns of being and of you had NO idea she would ever act on it. In that split second this is what Linny chose and maybe she too realized that she had made a mistake and was trying to get herself down.
Linda, Ed's mom always reminds us that we would have moved heaven and earth to keep our children earth side. We are just not that powerful and we could not. Surviving this unnatural loss is a pain no one else can ever know unless they have personally experienced it. This is why we have one anther here because I know there is nothing that I can say or do that helps at all, yet what I can do is hold this with you and I am.
It takes great courage to share in the way that you did my sister of the heart and I am sending you the tightest heart hug that I have.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
My heart breaks reading this, as I can only begin to imagine the depths of pain your shattered heart and tortured soul have experienced. I'm SO sorry. The only thing I do know for sure.....YOU DID YOUR BEST. YOU DID ALL YOU KNEW TO DO AND COULD DO. The should haves, could haves and if only's can drive us mad, and yet it's hard not to go there when our lives have been so devastatingly shred to pieces. I get it. I've done the same thing; questioning every decision I ever made during my child's earth time wondering and reevaluating if and what role I had played to create the outcome. But as Joanie said, darlin, we simply are not that powerful. Nothing I did, or didn't do, caused or set into motion the events of the night of Jan 2, 2007. NOTHING you did, or didn't do....said, or didn't say....caused or set into the motion the events of the night your sweet Lindsey left her earth life behind.
I have only had one experience with a situation in which psychiatric care was needed. It was brief, and certainly in no way compares to the needs of your precious Lindsey, but even in my limited knowledge and experience, I saw and "heard about" things going on that seemed to me should have been handled differently. I believe there are many who truly, deeply care and are very good therapist and counselors and doctors. I also believe there are far too many who are not. I believe there is MUCH work needed and MANY improvements needed, within the field and with education for the general public, in order to truly help our mentally ill.
Sweet friend, you are still in those first months and years and everything is still so fresh and so raw. Please be kind to yourself; the same kindness you would show to another mom suffering. And I know you have a lot of mistrust with doctors and counselors, but I truly hope you are able to find someone whom you can share your everything with who will truly be the right person and provide the right kind of help. Thank you for checking in here and trusting us with your heart. We truly care and we love you and Linny.
Tightest of heart hugs,
Teri
Thank you so much for your kind words. I ,even after all the really bad treatment that my Lindsey had, and believe me I only mention the very tip of the ice burg , She had been under doctors care since 14. She had a chemical imbalance that was never treated properly. We had taken her to so many doctors and all they do is shove the latest anti-depressant at you. I did go to a different doctor and they did they same with me and after I tried three and could not take them the doctor said" Well just get them filled and throw them away!" It is really bad here in Virginia, even my family doctor who I've seen for many years told me he could not recommend anyone. I can no longer even go to him because Lindsey was always with me joking around and full of life. I have to find new doctors and beauticians and places to shop now my baby was with me every where.
I finally got him to give me sleeping pills so I can try to knock myself out at night.
I thank you again and I am sorry you are even on here.
I’m so very sorry...my heart breaks for you. As Joanie and Teri said, we all act our old patterns at times but we did the best we could with love in our hearts for our child. We make mistakes but we are human. My son didn’t die by suicide, he died from a heart attack much in the same way your husband did. It is another difficult layer of grief added to your burden I can imagine. I have heard experts on suicide at trainings say (I’m a retired social worker), “another day, another way” meaning there was nothing you could have done to stop what was going to occur.; it would have occurred regardless if not that day, another. Perhaps Lindsey was tired after fighting mental health challenges her whole life.? And you are right; there is insufficient care for those suffering from mental health challenges. Too long to wait for a bed, care interruptions due to insurance snags, maybe even too much medication being given and perceived as the only answer. If doctors couldn’t save her, how much more impossible is it for a mom to save her child.? As others have said, we just don’t have that kind of power, nor do we have a crystal ball to decide that this time the worst will happen. I’ve thought about this for the last 10 years since Eddie passed; what if it was our child’s time to leave their earthly life? What if they were here the exact number of days that they should be or needed to be? I believe Eddie is with God so for me, that is a comfort. I hope you have a belief that comforts you? If so, lean into that my sweet friend. Over time, if you allow your self to feel, read, write, pray - whatever your grief work is, I promise you the pain will lighten and become more manageable. Grief counseling, reading books on grief, praying, crying, screaming, walking out the anger was what helped me. And my grief counselor told me to “embrace the signs.” So I did. I asked God to allow Ed to send me signs and God was so kind and gracious and I have received amazing signs from Ed since the beginning of this journey. Healing is possible and if you’d like I can share some books that helped me a lot on this journey towards healing. Ed is my only child. He passed at 37 and I knew that somehow I had to find a way to honor God and Eddie with the rest of my life. I did not want Ed’s legacy to be that of a broken, overcome shell of a mom. He deserved better. I am the keeper of his memory and I tell his story & that of my journey to help other moms and dads. You will find your purpose too. You are new to this journey so be gentle on yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge that you had. Keep writing, we understand. And just know, healing is possible. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your story will help someone else. Sending you the tightest of hugs and praying for you. Love to you and dearest Lindsey, Linda, Ed’s mom
Linda" Thank you for your kind words and I am so sorry for your loss. My Lindsey was 37 also. They were so very young.
At this time I don't see a way forward. My guilt is too overpowering. I feel like I had been a good Momma to Lindsey for so many years, she always said I was the best Momma in the world and her best friend.
After my husbands death I don't know what happened" I just broke.
I turned into a frozen shell and I think that's what Lindsey could not take.
I just pray for God to be real because I am a believer but now doubts are crowding in. I look for ways to end it like Lindsey did but I guess i'm too scared.
As I read your responses and those of our sisters of the heart I think what I feel is a woman who was grieving the tremendous loss of her life partner and needed to be able to heal herself. One cannot give what they do not have and grieving takes every ounce of one's life force being.
I do not believe it's one single event that brings one to this kind of decision, yet a culmination of events so as much as you wish you could take away those last words, your pulling inward because you were grieving deeply, your relationship with your Lindsey is made up of SO much more than that. As painful and as difficult as it may be perhaps with every horrible flogging you feel you may deserve then try to insert a memory of a time shared with Lindsey when you were together, helping one another, sharing a moment that felt like a connecting one. You see, this life is not just "either/or" happenings, yet it is made up of minutes of "both/and." experiences. Reframing how we speak to ourselves can become a turning point when one feels ready to do this. I will never forget feeling submerged in sorrow and grief over my son's overdose and I just became tired of taking myself out behind the woodshed for floggings. My son is the most tender hearted soul I know and I sense this with Lindsey and I thought of if the tables were reversed would I want him to be doing this to himself?? I knew it was a clear, "No." This was when I began to see tiny, tiny snippets of light and knew that I had to figure this out with all the tools I could find along the way.
You matter, your feelings matter and today perhaps find a memory shared with your Lindsey that brings a smile and perhaps a tear and know that the sum total of your love and relationship with your Lindsey is not in how she left this earth, yet in how she lived all the days in-between.
Gentle, gentle care as you allow yourself the grace of your humanness and start to forgive yourself and forgive your Lindsey.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Thank you for your condolences and you’re welcome my friend. Yes, our children were too young. We never expected to have them leave this world before us, did we? It is so difficult. Try not to put pressure on yourself to move forward. It’s ok to just be where you are and allow yourself to grieve but at the same time, allow yourself as Joanie said, to think of your Lindsey, a memory that brings a smile or even a tear. You are human and your husband passed. You were grieving and no one can be everything to another person. It’s not possible. You did the best you could and I believe Lindsey understands and doesn’t blame you and doesn’t want you blaming yourself. If you can, surround yourself with beauty, whatever beauty is to you. Buy some flowers, read something comforting, cuddle a pet, listen to music; whatever is beauty and comfort to you. I began to do that soon after Eddie died and it gave me moments of comfort. Brief moments but moments nonetheless. I also believe that our children are surrounded in heavenly beauty and God’s perfect love. Let those thoughts wash over you. Close your eyes and see your daughter being held by God, enveloped in His love. Ask God to give you His peace; a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I did go to grief counseling and it helped. Perhaps grief counseling would help you?
Sending you love and praying for you, Linda, Ed’s mom
Thank you again for your kindness, I have my Lindsey's pets to take care of the best I can for her. They are her children since she never had human children. She had lost so much to death so fast, her Daddy ,two dogs, two cats within months. They were all getting old at the same time and one, her best friend cat Shelly was killed by a cruel person in our neighborhood. The vet tried surgery and Lindsey had such high hopes, then they came out and said the damage was too bad. My poor baby was so very devastated by all these losses.
Now I have one cat Jinxy, she is young we got her as a kitten to try to heal some of the pain. And two turtles ,Stoney and Rocky.
Three parrots Johnny and Gypsy male and female Eclectus ,A large white Umbrella Cockatoo named Chloe, the name Lindsey would have chosen for her child, she told me.
They all grieve so for her.
The parrots talk and every night ask for Little Momma. Jinxy is building her own memorial outside of Lindsey's bedroom door. She has taken every toy she owns and lined them up in front of the door. It is really beautiful and so sad.
The parrots are a handful as Lindsey had such a routine with them ,I give baths once a week. Clean cages twice daily. They all have special foods and toys that need replacing often and then we take turns letting them out for out of their cage playtime each day.
The day it happened Lindsey had told them all it was bath day, another reason I did not take her threat serious . She loved them so much and always kept to her word with them.
Oh how hard it is to see our pets grieve too, but try to reframe it as how beautiful the love was and IS between Lindsey and her fur and feathered babies. Your daughter lived, laughed and loved. She made her earthly mark in your heart, her Dad’s heart, her fur babies and all who love her. She will now make her heavenly imprint on our hearts here at FMO. We will love and remember Lindsey along with you. One of my fears when Eddie passed was that he would be forgotten. I can tell you that all the moms here remember Eddie along with me. He will never be forgotten by the FMO moms and for that I’m so grateful and comforted. You are doing a wonderful thing for Lindsey by taking such wonderful care of her fur and feathered babies. Be proud of that and I’m sure Lindsey is so thankful that her dear pets are in such loving hands. Sending you a tight hug, Linda
God bless you Linda and I will always remember your Eddie and all the precious children ,no matter the age they are our children forever.