So... ok... here goes...
I'm still not OK. But I'm not plummeting head first into the abyss. The tiny emotional platform I'm clinging to isn't altogether sturdy, but I'm thinking clearly enough to apologize to everyone and to explain some things.
First off? OW is pregnant. No, it's none of my damned business. She's living her life and finding joy and excitement and success at every turn, and why shouldn't she, right? None of it should have anything to do with me. Some petty, angry part of me is so resentful. I knew it was coming. The only reason for her to marry was to spawn, really. I can't let go of the fact that "something" bad should happen to her. She should have to somehow pay the way we did. I know this is childish. I know this is an immature reaction and has no basis in reality. Life is NOT fair. Bad things do not happen to bad people anymore than good things happen to good people. I also know she's not a "bad person" (ugh, but I like to hold on to that belief, it comforts me) she just did things that inevitably hurt me.
It's still like a fist in the gut imagining her having this perfect little life with no consequences to her actions.
Next, well, you all know about the whole jacked up grieving process regarding moving. It's kicking my ass... clearly.
Let's add chronic pain to this mix. I have seen four different doctors, had ultrasounds, blood tests, urine tests, stopped eating gluten, stopped eating corn, increased the amount of water I was drinking, been pumped full of probiotics... and guess what? I still hurt. I feel like crap. I'm miserable and it's wearing me down.
Now mix in a really, really shitty anniversary. I don't want to candy coat it. I don't want to be nice about it. I don't want to look on the bright side or acknowledge the good. My husband failed me and it hurts and makes me really angry. He dropped the ball and hasn't done a damned thing to make up for it.
I have been without a cell phone since late December. Yeah, I know. The world still rolls merrily along. I know this is such a first world problem. But the thing is, that has been my "lifeline" when I wasn't ok. I could check DS or text long distance friends or distract myself in any number of other ways. Losing my phone has been losing a valuable resource which I haven't figured out how to compensate for.
And that's the key. It's not that my life is SO miserable or SO bad or whatever. I don't have malignant tumors spreading through my lungs at an alarming rate. My husband is not (currently) cheating on me. I am not living in abject poverty. But... I have all these stupid things piling up and piling up and they are all causing various types and levels of pain. In short? The pain has outweighed my resources. I know this. I have seen it in myself and others hundreds of times before.
And what do I always tell OTHER people? "Get thee to a doctor." "Reach out and start asking for resources you're lacking." "Love and nurture yourself as if you were a small, sick child."
But The Beast lies. The Beast says, "You don't deserve anyone's help." The Beast says, "You should be over this by now." The Beast says, "Everyone is sick of your whining and moping." The Beast tells me, "Everyone would be better off without you burdening them."
And when I'm OK and other people tell me what The Beast is whispering to them, I can acknowledge that these are lies. We are God's children. We are not broken. We are not wrong. We are loved and loved and then loved some more. Even when people DO get exasperated, the ones who love us STILL love us and still desperately want to help us to be ok. Just like we so desperately want to help others be ok.
It's just hard to hear Truth and believe it when The Beast sets up house in the dark place left behind by lacking resources to combat the dank bastard.
So thank you all for reminding me there are resources. You all. Doctors. Counselors. I know these are resources that exist. I know I am not truly alone.
And for those who asked: No. I don't cut anymore. I have not cut in years.
Around nine or ten months post DDAY, I came here. I came here and I asked, as so many have before, "Should I stay or should I go?" on the infidelity forums. I won't go into the boring details of the responses I got or where that lead me, but it DID lead me to start reaching out and exploring options. During this time, I confided in a good friend about the cutting, and the response I got went something like this:
"Promise me you won't cut again. Promise me. Not for you, and not even for me, but for your daughter. Promise me you will stop so she won't start."
And it was like being struck in the face. Because, if we're not careful, we become our mothers. And if we're not careful, our daughters will follow in our footsteps.
So I stopped. Just like that. No more SI.
I'm not saying I've developed fabulous coping skills (uh... yeah, clearly not) but at least that's out of the rotation permanently.
I don't know if this explains anything. I don't even know if it matters, but I guess I needed to puke some of this out in black and white. Thanks for indulging me by reading this far.
First off? OW is pregnant. No, it's none of my damned business. She's living her life and finding joy and excitement and success at every turn, and why shouldn't she, right? None of it should have anything to do with me. Some petty, angry part of me is so resentful. I knew it was coming. The only reason for her to marry was to spawn, really. I can't let go of the fact that "something" bad should happen to her. She should have to somehow pay the way we did. I know this is childish. I know this is an immature reaction and has no basis in reality. Life is NOT fair. Bad things do not happen to bad people anymore than good things happen to good people. I also know she's not a "bad person" (ugh, but I like to hold on to that belief, it comforts me) she just did things that inevitably hurt me.
It's still like a fist in the gut imagining her having this perfect little life with no consequences to her actions.
Next, well, you all know about the whole jacked up grieving process regarding moving. It's kicking my ass... clearly.
Let's add chronic pain to this mix. I have seen four different doctors, had ultrasounds, blood tests, urine tests, stopped eating gluten, stopped eating corn, increased the amount of water I was drinking, been pumped full of probiotics... and guess what? I still hurt. I feel like crap. I'm miserable and it's wearing me down.
Now mix in a really, really shitty anniversary. I don't want to candy coat it. I don't want to be nice about it. I don't want to look on the bright side or acknowledge the good. My husband failed me and it hurts and makes me really angry. He dropped the ball and hasn't done a damned thing to make up for it.
I have been without a cell phone since late December. Yeah, I know. The world still rolls merrily along. I know this is such a first world problem. But the thing is, that has been my "lifeline" when I wasn't ok. I could check DS or text long distance friends or distract myself in any number of other ways. Losing my phone has been losing a valuable resource which I haven't figured out how to compensate for.
And that's the key. It's not that my life is SO miserable or SO bad or whatever. I don't have malignant tumors spreading through my lungs at an alarming rate. My husband is not (currently) cheating on me. I am not living in abject poverty. But... I have all these stupid things piling up and piling up and they are all causing various types and levels of pain. In short? The pain has outweighed my resources. I know this. I have seen it in myself and others hundreds of times before.
And what do I always tell OTHER people? "Get thee to a doctor." "Reach out and start asking for resources you're lacking." "Love and nurture yourself as if you were a small, sick child."
But The Beast lies. The Beast says, "You don't deserve anyone's help." The Beast says, "You should be over this by now." The Beast says, "Everyone is sick of your whining and moping." The Beast tells me, "Everyone would be better off without you burdening them."
And when I'm OK and other people tell me what The Beast is whispering to them, I can acknowledge that these are lies. We are God's children. We are not broken. We are not wrong. We are loved and loved and then loved some more. Even when people DO get exasperated, the ones who love us STILL love us and still desperately want to help us to be ok. Just like we so desperately want to help others be ok.
It's just hard to hear Truth and believe it when The Beast sets up house in the dark place left behind by lacking resources to combat the dank bastard.
So thank you all for reminding me there are resources. You all. Doctors. Counselors. I know these are resources that exist. I know I am not truly alone.
And for those who asked: No. I don't cut anymore. I have not cut in years.
Around nine or ten months post DDAY, I came here. I came here and I asked, as so many have before, "Should I stay or should I go?" on the infidelity forums. I won't go into the boring details of the responses I got or where that lead me, but it DID lead me to start reaching out and exploring options. During this time, I confided in a good friend about the cutting, and the response I got went something like this:
"Promise me you won't cut again. Promise me. Not for you, and not even for me, but for your daughter. Promise me you will stop so she won't start."
And it was like being struck in the face. Because, if we're not careful, we become our mothers. And if we're not careful, our daughters will follow in our footsteps.
So I stopped. Just like that. No more SI.
I'm not saying I've developed fabulous coping skills (uh... yeah, clearly not) but at least that's out of the rotation permanently.
I don't know if this explains anything. I don't even know if it matters, but I guess I needed to puke some of this out in black and white. Thanks for indulging me by reading this far.
Replies
1. Beast lies. Like crazy. Keep telling her/him/it to sod off
2. OW and a baby - I hear ya. Loud and clear. However. Keep in mind: she has to go through terribly painful labour. She has months and months if not years of sleep deprivation ahead of her. She has likely weight gain ahead of her. And karma does not always rush.... Sometimes it just takes time.
3. Sometimes four doctors is not enough. What is your wit D level? Have you been tested for Candida? Have you seen a holistic dr? Being in chronic pain is incredibly debilitating. Especially if it affects your sleep. I am sorry. It must suck.
4. Get a cell phone. Basic. No fancy stuff but so that you can text and have the feeling of being able to stay in touch.
5. Does your husband know how you feel about the shittiness of the anniversary?
6. \"Promise me. Not for you, and not even for me, but for your daughter. Promise me you will stop so she won\'t start.\" Thank you for that. I don\'t cut but do other things that I don\'t want my daughter to do and I know that she watches me like a hawk and mimics everything I do...... I so admire you that you stopped. Just stopped. I want to stop to.
7. Yes you are loved :-)
PS. - Tiny emotional platform suspended in the abyss - fabulously descriptive!
Alora, you express yourself so well. I think this abyss you are suspended in, is all fixable, no, I know it is. I like jays organizing her response with numbers, so I\'ll do the same. I\'m not as eloquent as you in organizing my thoughts and numbers will hopefully help me respond to evening you spoke about.
1. The phone, I totaly get that. Itis my lifeline too. I may even be bait too dependant on it. However a luxury once tasted becomes a naccesity. So try to get that replaced soon. Consider starting a new plan so you can get a phone for free or cheap.
2. Pain, oh do I relate to that. I just spent months in pain and on Percocet. I\'m so very thankful for its keeping my pain at bay. I had muscle spasms that I believe are directly related to my mental state. I go to a pain management dr and PT. it took months to get through this last episode.
What types of tests have you had? Have you ever had brain and spinal MRI? Do you have any numbness, pain or pins and needles in your extremities?
What types of drs have you seen? Neurologist? Rheumotologists?
Have you read the book \"healing back pain the mind body connection\" written by dr Sarno?
3. The cutting. I\'m so happy you stopped that but I totaly can understand how it could give monetary relief during the difficult months.
4. OW and her pregnancy well I beleive in karma. I believe that what we put put in the world is what we get back. It\'s not always immediate but it comes around. It doesn\'t mean bad people bad things. I doubt she learned from her actions. She dusted herself off and moved on with little consequences. I would bet this man, father of her child, will do,to her what she has done. Worrying about her karma and life will only be like another weight holding you down in this abyss. It\'s power you are giving her. Screw her and her new blind idiot.
5. You are allowed to feel sad and frustrated with all of this especially your husbands lack of consideration in regards to your anniversary. Please talk to him and use the tools and experience of your rebuilding history to make it a successful talk.
6. You mentioned seasonal depression and my husband gets blue in the winter. This winter has been very cold and cloudy but may I suggest you force yourself to go outside and get whatever form of sun (even behind the clouds) you can for atleast 30-45 min every day . Also look into temporary antidepressants until the spring and then reevaluate where your at.
Keep journaling and letting it out, purge purge purge.
Oh and be careful on infidelity board. Few members of breakups and divorce page are trying to consume the space and am,e every rebuilder feel like a week spineless idiot for even considering staying.
It started with one and then she posted there complaining about us and she has a few comrades in arms supporting her with her 1 way only, view on cheating.
You might want to stick to rebuilding page for now.