So numb I find it hard to articulate things...

I've probably started typing this entry 5 times. And each time, I sit here knowing I should unload some feelings, but I am so overwhelmed I don't know how. My fingers won't work properly. So I'm just gonna sit, and wait, and type as things come to me.
I've been trying to be positive and I've been trying to "let go" because none of this is truly in my hands. I only have so much control over how this is going, and my amount of control has been slowly slipping from my grip, so I need to let go. But just typing "let go" makes my eyes water and my throat tighten. Letting go and being vulnerable, truly and wholly vulnerable to this situation, does not come easily for PTSD-me. One of the most difficult things for me to master is the art of remaining calm. And it hasn't failed that in the last 3 months just after IUI something happens that I panic over. Something always happens. Something exterior that I cannot avoid always happens.
I'm dealing with PMS symptoms today which lead me to think that this last attempt at IUI didn't work. Yeah, it's like my fingers didn't want to type that sentence because it's so depressing. I know that the final proof will be the start of another cycle and a negative test, but my brain is jumping on the failure train at full speed today. Positive mantras, prayers, yogic breathing... none of it seems to be working, although I desperately want to remain positive. Nada. And then, a glimmer of hope hits me with the thought that maybe I'm just feeling implantation cramping...it's a glimmer... I'll grab that...
I think I want closure, but I don't know how to really get that at this stage. I feel like I need a full day, all alone, so I can just cry and cry and cry and get everything out that is rotting my mind.
My therapist, who I really wish had room to take me on again, once gave me a copy of the Serenity Prayer. It just popped into my mind, so I'm gonna post it here as a reminder for me. 
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
At this point, we still have hope for change. There is IVF if these PMS symptoms are truly what I think they are. And I think we have enough courage to at least explore the option. I can't change the waiting game, but I can change my outlook... I just need to exercise my courage so it's stonger. See, it's the waiting for something good, but dreading the bad that keeps me on edge. Like Julia Roberts's character in Pretty Woman said, " The bad stuff is easier to believe". So, maybe I'm just short on wisdom in knowing what I can change and what I can't and how to let go of the latter so I can believe in dreams.... I don't know. 
So, I think I'm done all the rambling I can do. We haven't been told we will never have children; it just feels like that's the reality. I need to go pray that prayer and ... get back to work.
Peace, love, and hope.

Replies

PolkaDotGirl
PolkaDotGirl

I\'m glad you were able to get all of this out. Where are you in your TWW?
ChandlerandMonica
ChandlerandMonica

Thanks PDG, I feel a bit better after spilling all this ;-) Our IUI was March 4, so that would put us on day 9 or 10. I never know if I\'m supposed to count IUI day or not in that wait...
MRSstrong
MRSstrong

I hope that writing this was calming for you. I\'m sending you good wishes for a successful IUI. I\'m happy to hear you feel you have courage for moving onto IVF if it\'s needed. No matter what, you are not at the end of your road. We are here to help you stay sane during your journey to become a mommy.