So much wasted time

i joined this group in August of 2011. I just read through some of the journals I wrote. And I’m so sad. So many years of struggle. So many second chances for him. So much misplaced guilt and responsibilities I toook on my own shoulders. I do the crazy thing, try to reason thing with him when he’s over the top drunk which ends up with me out of control with frustration and anger. When really I just want a sign of remorse, understanding, and even his help. I just want to feel safe and supported. I just want the respect of being forgiven for my outburst, just like I forgive him.

 As his disease progresses I come to the realization that it is not a matter of refusing to care, but a matter of being unable to care. He just does not know how. He cannot. 

He has been horrible in the last 4 months with a steady increase in aggressiveness and anger.  I have responded negatively when at my wits end. I know it’s not the right thing to do, but nothing I do wlll make a difference, or has ever made a difference.

Usually after an outburst things settle down, he finds a bit of self control, and we are friends for a bit. but things are changing.... he is angrier, drunken behaviors more bizarre, even “ sober” he is forgetful and less capable than before. I was never afraid that he would hurt me.... I’m beginning to be.

now he says I’ve pissed him off and he is done with me. In the past, once he sobered up we could just move forward . It seems that this time he cannot forgive me for yelling at him, or more likely for confrontation and interference with his drinking. Although I’ve been striving for detachment...I never walked away from him,

and stood by him offering my love and support and a million chances to start over. I NEVER thought he would threaten to kill me. I never thought he would abandon me. I never realized he was incapable of forgiveness . 

Will another 5 or 6 years go by and I will still be crying and trying to release my pain by writing it all down?