So much to do for such an "unimportant" life (ha!)
I had to put that "cool" smiley in here tonight, especially with my title. Do you know, I have NO IDEA what "best to do" with the rest of my life (this one). There are things I was working on, mostly put on hold/disarray by divorce. Things I hoped to do which may be put off a while; maybe not ... just have to see.
I did get the belts on last night. The first one was pretty easy, because once I loosened 3 bolts, I could move the alternator down, slip the belt on and tension was achieved by retightening the bolts. A beautiful example of using simple machines to accomplish an otherwise difficult task, proven by the second belt. I think the first time I did it, I was petrified I was going to get hit by lightning as a storm was moving in ... I was also supposed to have left for a family reunion in a neighboring state ... hours before. All that must have provided the extra "oomph" I needed, but I do know it took a REALLY LONG TIME to slip it onto the final pulley.
I didn't lose my composure as quickly and I had every confidence that it would be hard, but it would happen. How wrong I was. I finally did cry and scream (mostly about my MIL). I told God that I hadn't done anything to deserve having to go through all this AGAIN. I didn't hate God but felt he really has it in for me; I tried to remember talking about this in therapy and how there was a lesson in it somewhere and that the previous lesson was: "When you can do it, God is going to let you do it. If I wanted to waste time crying, screaming, running around like a lunatic; fine ... but no "false sympathy from God on THAT account." I could see if I didn't get it DONE, I was going to be late delivering papers ... all I need, I thought, at this point. I had looked in my book and a diagram, looked at the pulleys and all else, thinking there was some bolt or something that would achieve the same thing as with the first belt. Looked on-line. Nothing. Called my father (he inspired this determination in me, at any rate); he didn't know any tricks or secrets but gave me a couple of suggestions and we talked a bit, which helped me pull together. Gave it one more try, then picked up the phone and started calling. For help. Got it ... finally. I must be getting weird (or smart?) and looked at the belts before starting the car. Just wanted to make sure that everything looked RIGHT.
I guess there are some lessons for me as well in developing self-discipline under (very) less than ideal conditions. Isn't chaos and stress the stuff that pushes us to unhealthy habits and attitudes, addictions and can really erase a lot of our good qualities and habits? And yes, I was late; very late. I am really fortunate to have some kind people on my route ... but I was realizing, as I drove along, catching up, that "this is ridiculous". My husband, by refusing to work reasonably with me so that I can get the auto stuff taken care of, has inconvenienced (at least) 100 people who paid money to get their newspaper. I even thought maybe I should just give up the route. But decided no, I need to find another way to address these problems. Started scouting around for some legal info, though haven't come up with anything solid yet (to stand on). I do know there is a law in our state requiring children to support parents who would otherwise be destitute or, I suppose, put to the charge of the state. I'm just thinking if there's a law about parents, there must be something regarding support of wife and kids; since a person has a choice whether to get married and have a family, I would think there'd be a decent minimum standard. Or maybe make a motion for him to sign that check and he can refute the judge as to his refusal.
I was really cheered up though, by messages I got from people here as well as a couple other places. For the help I got last evening and for the people who were waiting, for the kindness they showed instead of being angry with me.
Being at the library yesterday morning was weird, though. I forgot the other women start early Tuesday morning, or I'd have gone in earlier. I chatted with the first one for a few minutes; she was friendly and responded but it was quiet after the conversation I started ended. Then the director and another staff person came in. Greetings and conversations between them, but nothing directed to me. It was weird. Made me feel "non-existent" or invisible. But I was, not angry exactly, but my mood had changed since the other day. I guess the best way I could describe it is to say a serious, determined, attentive mood. I like Jackie Chan movies and there is usually a lot of emphasis on self-discipline in those. I feel like the boy in The Karate Kid who had to pick his coat up, hang it up,then throw it down. A gazillion times ... OK, I know there's a lesson ... just that it isn't the same lesson every time. Which means I have to be more attentive to details if I want to know what the correct "answer" is ... just like the fight scenes, too, I suppose: aware, serious, determined, anticipating, deciding, responding. So it was all odd in one sense, but trying to wring the most use from the experiences right now.
Have a lot to do and to catch up on; late now ... slept in today so wasn't tired. Thursday is short day so will plan to kick back early tomorrow. Try to spend at least a few minutes talking with each of my daughters every day. My eldest has been irritable and snappy with both me and her sister for quite some time. I think it may be depression; she never wants to talk, says I "annoy" her and stuff. Occasionally we can talk without any problem. Figure it probably has to do with breaking up with her boyfriend a few months back, but other factors as well. The younger has been in a better mood and no indications that she's been doing anything that she talked with me 2 months ago that might have had some really bad effects on her. I've directly asked her as well a couple of times, so I think things ARE going better there.
Can't believe I have so much to say, but I used to when I journaled by hand; for some reason I just haven't been able to get myself to do that. But thinking I might work on another dream journal. Can't even remember most of them nowadays. I remember before and after my breakdown, I had SO MANY dreams that had tornadoes in them. Really prominent symbol (and no, it wasn't a penis in disguise. Or a cigar.). Think it would be interesting and informative to see "what's in my head" now.
Last note: been remembering to take my "vitamins" everyday for the most part. Plus, doing the reflecting. Spent more time in the Bible than I was. Getting a lot out of that, but still I'd say I'm more like the blind man who said he saw "men, like trees" when Jesus asked. I always sort of wondered how he knew what a tree and man looked like, to make the comparison. Cause I was thinking he was one blind from birth. But apparently not. So maybe he did have a frame of reference. But sort of like Paul talking about seeing, but only in part; other writers, too. I can only wonder what it is to really KNOW.
I did get the belts on last night. The first one was pretty easy, because once I loosened 3 bolts, I could move the alternator down, slip the belt on and tension was achieved by retightening the bolts. A beautiful example of using simple machines to accomplish an otherwise difficult task, proven by the second belt. I think the first time I did it, I was petrified I was going to get hit by lightning as a storm was moving in ... I was also supposed to have left for a family reunion in a neighboring state ... hours before. All that must have provided the extra "oomph" I needed, but I do know it took a REALLY LONG TIME to slip it onto the final pulley.
I didn't lose my composure as quickly and I had every confidence that it would be hard, but it would happen. How wrong I was. I finally did cry and scream (mostly about my MIL). I told God that I hadn't done anything to deserve having to go through all this AGAIN. I didn't hate God but felt he really has it in for me; I tried to remember talking about this in therapy and how there was a lesson in it somewhere and that the previous lesson was: "When you can do it, God is going to let you do it. If I wanted to waste time crying, screaming, running around like a lunatic; fine ... but no "false sympathy from God on THAT account." I could see if I didn't get it DONE, I was going to be late delivering papers ... all I need, I thought, at this point. I had looked in my book and a diagram, looked at the pulleys and all else, thinking there was some bolt or something that would achieve the same thing as with the first belt. Looked on-line. Nothing. Called my father (he inspired this determination in me, at any rate); he didn't know any tricks or secrets but gave me a couple of suggestions and we talked a bit, which helped me pull together. Gave it one more try, then picked up the phone and started calling. For help. Got it ... finally. I must be getting weird (or smart?) and looked at the belts before starting the car. Just wanted to make sure that everything looked RIGHT.
I guess there are some lessons for me as well in developing self-discipline under (very) less than ideal conditions. Isn't chaos and stress the stuff that pushes us to unhealthy habits and attitudes, addictions and can really erase a lot of our good qualities and habits? And yes, I was late; very late. I am really fortunate to have some kind people on my route ... but I was realizing, as I drove along, catching up, that "this is ridiculous". My husband, by refusing to work reasonably with me so that I can get the auto stuff taken care of, has inconvenienced (at least) 100 people who paid money to get their newspaper. I even thought maybe I should just give up the route. But decided no, I need to find another way to address these problems. Started scouting around for some legal info, though haven't come up with anything solid yet (to stand on). I do know there is a law in our state requiring children to support parents who would otherwise be destitute or, I suppose, put to the charge of the state. I'm just thinking if there's a law about parents, there must be something regarding support of wife and kids; since a person has a choice whether to get married and have a family, I would think there'd be a decent minimum standard. Or maybe make a motion for him to sign that check and he can refute the judge as to his refusal.
I was really cheered up though, by messages I got from people here as well as a couple other places. For the help I got last evening and for the people who were waiting, for the kindness they showed instead of being angry with me.
Being at the library yesterday morning was weird, though. I forgot the other women start early Tuesday morning, or I'd have gone in earlier. I chatted with the first one for a few minutes; she was friendly and responded but it was quiet after the conversation I started ended. Then the director and another staff person came in. Greetings and conversations between them, but nothing directed to me. It was weird. Made me feel "non-existent" or invisible. But I was, not angry exactly, but my mood had changed since the other day. I guess the best way I could describe it is to say a serious, determined, attentive mood. I like Jackie Chan movies and there is usually a lot of emphasis on self-discipline in those. I feel like the boy in The Karate Kid who had to pick his coat up, hang it up,then throw it down. A gazillion times ... OK, I know there's a lesson ... just that it isn't the same lesson every time. Which means I have to be more attentive to details if I want to know what the correct "answer" is ... just like the fight scenes, too, I suppose: aware, serious, determined, anticipating, deciding, responding. So it was all odd in one sense, but trying to wring the most use from the experiences right now.
Have a lot to do and to catch up on; late now ... slept in today so wasn't tired. Thursday is short day so will plan to kick back early tomorrow. Try to spend at least a few minutes talking with each of my daughters every day. My eldest has been irritable and snappy with both me and her sister for quite some time. I think it may be depression; she never wants to talk, says I "annoy" her and stuff. Occasionally we can talk without any problem. Figure it probably has to do with breaking up with her boyfriend a few months back, but other factors as well. The younger has been in a better mood and no indications that she's been doing anything that she talked with me 2 months ago that might have had some really bad effects on her. I've directly asked her as well a couple of times, so I think things ARE going better there.
Can't believe I have so much to say, but I used to when I journaled by hand; for some reason I just haven't been able to get myself to do that. But thinking I might work on another dream journal. Can't even remember most of them nowadays. I remember before and after my breakdown, I had SO MANY dreams that had tornadoes in them. Really prominent symbol (and no, it wasn't a penis in disguise. Or a cigar.). Think it would be interesting and informative to see "what's in my head" now.
Last note: been remembering to take my "vitamins" everyday for the most part. Plus, doing the reflecting. Spent more time in the Bible than I was. Getting a lot out of that, but still I'd say I'm more like the blind man who said he saw "men, like trees" when Jesus asked. I always sort of wondered how he knew what a tree and man looked like, to make the comparison. Cause I was thinking he was one blind from birth. But apparently not. So maybe he did have a frame of reference. But sort of like Paul talking about seeing, but only in part; other writers, too. I can only wonder what it is to really KNOW.
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