So much to say

I kind of hit a really low place for a while, and disappeared. But I'm feeling better now. I'm back on Effexor XR, and becoming the person I most like to be. But I still have this deep seeded depression in me. I feel inadequate. I feel like I'm not good enough. I have almost zero sex drive, and that is driving my husband away. I know he won't cheat, but it still hurts me to push him away like this. I hoped going back on the good meds would bring it back. I'm lucky if I feel up to it twice a month. It used to be a slow week if I wasn't ready five times a day. I'm trying really hard to be the sexual woman he married. And I hope, soon, that I am back to at least half of my old self in that regard. But then there are some days, when my desire for sex is through the roof. And by the time my husband gets home, I'm too exhausted to want it. It's miserable. 
 
I just found out, that one of my mildly self destructive habits, has a name. Trichotillomania. What a mouthful! I never really thought about what I was doing, until my husband asked about it. I run my hands through my hair, if I find a loose hair, I pull it away from the rest and twirl it around my fingers until it breaks. I will do this over and over, until there aren't any loose hairs left. Then I start to pull the hair out. One lonely strand at a time. And I twirl and twirl and twirl, until it breaks. then I pull another. I didn;t even think of it as self destructive, until it was brought to my attention. Now I see that my hair isn't as perfect as everyone says it is. I see that it's a million different lengths, where I've pulled so much on bad days, that the hair is shorter. I don't pull to the extent that I get bald spots. But it's noticeable to me. I'm at 48 hours without pulling or even looking for the loose hair. It doesn't seem like much, but it's a start. 
 
Now my husband is out wanting to spend time with me. So I'll finish this up, and write more later.