SO MUCH PAIN: TOO MUCH STRESS: NO LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

I sit here alone tonight and it has been great.  Just my puppy and me.  Not having to deal with the stress of my problem.  The pain and stress of my son's death is enough to bear, but so much more stress is being laid on my plate, sometimes I just don't think I can make it through.  I get not rest. Up down all night.  I can't remember a good night sleep forever.
What to do when your husband's family who are healthy with no problems just keep adding stress on your life,  What do to when your mom (who I truly love) but only thinks about herself and thinks me and my sister are suppose to fix it.  She tells me she cries all day cause she is lonely.  I tell her I cry all day and she goes why. Gezz mom, I just lost my son, her grandson.  It's like she don't even care that Ken is gone.  
I know right now there is nothing I can do to help her now, my pain is too deep, my stress is too much.
Next all I do is argue with my husband about his kids who are 35 and 39.  Who have treated me so bad.  All I ever asked for was respect.  I don't care if they like me. I have never done anything to them.  Even when I flew them in for what was their last Father's Day with their grandfather as a surprise for my husband, they said I did it cause I was in trouble with my husband and I did that to kiss his....
Well, I can tell you, I would not spend one penny on someone if I am upset at them.   They took what I did as something to be special into a monster of a thing.  I paid for the tickets, I planned the surprise, but they just said things that were not true.  Now years have passed and they still don't stop.  They are so selfish, so mean about others, it is not just me that they do it to they do it to everyone.
In Oct after my son had lost his ability to speak due to the cancer, a letter comes 5 pages of how horrible I am, how my husband is choosing my family over them, none of which is true.  Before I met him and married him, I spent all my holidays with my son. After we married we split up the holidays.  We would either go to VA or go to FL or the other way around 5 times a year.  We didn't take vacations, we visited our kids.  But to hear his letter we never visited.  The letter is about going to AL to see my son who had the cancer.  I had not gotten to see him since Feb because of my husband heart surgery.  Now my son is gone, i can't talk to him any longer and see him or touch him, while his son who has not called hardly all year now calls and it upsets me everytime. I think I am either ready for a divorce or my husband stands up to his kids and tell them they are to respect me.  They owe me an apology like I would ever get it.  But it is hard for me to believe that they are so cold that they can't even say they are sorry about my son's death.
Tonight, since my husband has been gone, my stress has been less. I am tired, I am stress, i really don't need the extra stress. So I don't know what to do.
Tonight i watch a movie while he was gone "MY Sister's Keeper".  It is a good]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]  The movie reminded me so my son cause it's about cancer, but it is really a lot like it is looking for something to keep you child alive.
I was not sure whether to watch it or not, but did and it was okay, I felt it showed a lot of what a mother goes to to try to save their child from death. 
I have no answers tonight, I have no comforting words, I feel I am of no use to anyone right now not even myself.  I don't know how to deal with all the stress
To me the most important thing is I have lost one for my children and every things else is in the way.  Sometimes I feel this stress is getting me to the point of no return, but where that is taking me I do not know.  I am too tired to know anymore.  Maybe I want to get it over with.  So what choices are there in getting it over with. I have no answers, I am just tired a different tired a stress tired.
Sorry to be so glum tonight.  It is just where I am.
Sandi

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi..Sandi.. your pain will consume you eat you up and destroy Sandi..Life sometimes is the shits and you get walked on. But it is part of it. You have a marvelous smile and your kindness even comes across in your posts. Sandi one thing that I have learned is you have to move and not look back (least wise not just yet) I can\'t imagine your pain but try and think of the good days.
I said on my journal that PBS this sunday (least wise in canada) Called this emotional life. You can buy it..Check out amazon probably rent it. The person who hosts it also wrote a book. We are all here to help. Keep writing your posts and one day something might click it might not but you will be further along that path. I\'m not the smartest one but I pride myself on a lot of common sense. (sometimes/most times ) I don\'t head my own advise. Learn to listen to yourself you may surprise you.. Big...No...HUGE HUGS>>>Cath
RememberKala
RememberKala

I\'m glad you\'ve vented your feelings. For me, it really does help. Lack of sleep really plays a huge role in my emotional state of being. I recommend you doing whatever is necessary to get the much needed sleep you\'re missing. Ask your doctor for a recommendation and then follow through. I\'ve learned, am learning, you can\'t change anyone other than yourself. Considering the ages of your step children, I think you have to accept the fact that that\'s who they are and what they\'re about. You don\'t have to like it, or be a part of it, but changing them is not an option. I encourage you to not respond to this letter for a while, if at all. Let some the emotion drain from your heart first. If you feel a response is in order, make sure it remains free of blame and finger pointing. They would not accept it anyway and I fear it would cause further problems. I would stick to saying how the letter affected me and what I would like to see happen within the family. But, truth is, it\'s probably better left unaswered. My son recently wrote me a very long letter telling me how horrible I am how everything that\'s wrong in his life is my fault. Defending myself to him was pointless. Pointing out the truth to him (again) was pointless. I simply replied, \"I\'m sorry you feel the way you do about me at this time. I hope the day will come when you can feel differently.\" Also, please don\'t make any serious decisions while you are so stressed out. Decisions about what\'s to eat is enough for now...don\'t try to plan a divorce until you\'ve gotten to a quieter place in your spirit. Keep journaling and letting out your frustrations here. It\'s a safe place and we all understand. Hugs and lot\'s of love, Teri.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sandi, I\'m so sorry for your loss and for the insensitivity of your family. You can\'t control what they say or do - all you can focus on is how you respond to them. It is hurtful and hard to understand why people twist the positive things we do, but you know in your heart why you bought the tickets so they could see your father.

Please try to let all that go and focus on you and know that your friends here understand and support you.
Be well,
Pat
Robin4
Robin4

Sandi, I\'m so very sorry for your pain and added stress. I agree that you should not address the letter. Your step children appear to be very insensitive and I agree with Teri, I doubt they will change. Don\'t use what little energy you may still have by responding to the negative behavior of others. Work on you without making snap decisions right now about your relationships. Perhaps you can find some time with your mom and you can both just talk and share your feelings. You can vent and she can have company. You can both be satisified. I don\'t know the answer but you don\'t really need an answer right now. Just be patient, rest and take care of yourself. Here for you. Love Robin
biowoman
biowoman

I am so glad that you had an evening to rest and relax...I think we all need me time...and I am glad that you got it! Love to you...Karen
deleted_user
deleted_user

Take the time to rest and de-stress wherever and whenever you can get it. Some people are just so insensitive and family members can sometimes be the worst. Do what is best for you and be good to yourself. I wish you peace and comfort be yours, somehow. Truly, your friend, Barb
deleted_user
deleted_user

Take care of yourself my love.. nice talking to you today and am so glad you are coming to the retreat.. love to you.
ihart
ihart

That sounds like a whope lot of family stuff going on. How ungrateful of his children . They absolutely owe you an apology and I feel it is u[ to your husband to set them straight. Hugs, Inga