So much on my mind - so much out of my control

DS Friends - this is just a rambling journal on my part.   Not thoughtful or inspirational, just "crying over spilled milk"    :)  I can't sleep again.  3am and I'm awake - again.  Night after night I wake up in the middle of it.  I have so much on my mind it just never stops. I am concerned about all the money I owe people.  Money I don't have to repay and don't know for sure when I will.  If my stbx doesn't get called back to work on Jan. 5th as promised, I don't know what I'll do.  So far he's still keeping up with the bills, with my help, as little as it is, but I don't know for how long this will last.  He didn't pay the condo payment on Dec. 1 and I got a call from our landlord.  I don't know if he just forgot or because "hunting season" is here and hunting is ALWAYS a priority over everything else.  When I called him though, he did send in a check - 8 days late.  That scares me.  What if he can't pay it next time - what do I do then. My car breaking down took a huge chunk of cash.  My stbx and his parents did help, but I had to chip in what little I had and now I owe his parents $300 for helping.  That weighs on my mind.  Just put it on my already growing tab.  Get in line and take a number please. Christmas is just around the corner.  I don't even want to put up a tree or decorations because I cannot give my kids a single thing for Christmas.  To understand how much this bothers me, you have to know that Christmas was the only time during the year that I went all out for my kids.  I love the feeling it gives me to see the joy on their faces that day when they come out and see all the presents.  I know Christmas is not about presents but about Jesus Christ, but as you know our society places big focus on the giving part.  I never put out the presents until they were in bed and sound asleep.  Even now, though they are older, I still wait to put them out.  They are always so happy that morning.  But this Christmas will be devastating for me.  Yes, they are old enough to understand, but it hurts me so deeply to not be able to give them anything.  I have told them to expect nothing, but I think they might think I'm just kidding.   I saw my stbx tonight.  He came over to fix my son's Christmas gift from his girlfriend - a ping pong table.  They put it together themselves and did it wrong so the stbx fixed it.  We talked briefly before my son got home from work and I even told him that "he should be happy this Christmas".  He asked "why" and I said, "because you've always had a problem with how much I spend on the kids for Christmas and this Christmas I won't be spending a dime".   I told him "I'm not even putting up a tree this year"  He didn't say anything as a reply to this.  I also asked him to give them some money to buy each other a gift, this is our family tradition, and he said he would try.  The only gifts they will get this year will be from Nana and Papa.   Another thing on my mind is Christmas Eve.  I told his mother that the 3 of us would come for dinner that night.  Won't that be interesting.  It will only be the 6 of us so the whole family won't be there, but I think it's going to be a strained dinner.  My kids don't want to go at all, but Nana and Papa have been so good to all of us over the years, I don't want to punish them by none of us coming at all.  I'm not worried about seeing my stbx, I know I can handle that, but I'm worried that sitting down as a family will be hard on me and the kids knowing that we're not a family any more.  Maybe this will hit my stbx square between the eyes, when we get up and go home and he's left sitting there with his parents.  Who knows. Another thing on my mind is that I want this divorce already over with.  I talked to my attorney last week and she's going to set up a mediation meeting for us and him and his attorney, but I haven't heard anything from her since.  I emailed her tonight asking about the status of the mediation meeting.  The thing is, him being laid off right now doesn't help me.  My attorney doesn't even want me working this 3rd part time job, but I have to.  I'd be a poverty level if i didn't.  How can this be my life after 23 years of security and happiness.  Even though I get up every day and go try to go on with my life, I have so many things that are out of my control it's driving me crazy.  At this point I can't even be in control of my own destiny because it's being controlled by my stbx and this divorce.   Payday isn't until the 19th (9 days) and I don't have a clue how I'm going to last without any money until then.  Even then I won't have money for long because I've got to give it to everyone else.    I just want to start living a normal life again.  As normal as possible without my husband.  I'm getting over him and the hurt,  but it's hard to move on without any money.   Well it's 3:15 now and I'm starting to feel sleepy.  I should be able to sleep until 6am when it's time to get up for work and do it all over again.