So much has changed
Wow, I cannot believe that it is already 2015...and here it has been almost 2-years since i last posted anything on here.
So...to make short work of this long story, I will give you a summary of the rest of my year for 2013 and then the whole year for 2014.
2013: So, the rest of 2013 was a jumble of emotions because Taz could not decide what she wanted. While she had promised me that everything was going to be okay, we did not get back together for the entirety of that year because she was mulling over being with 3 different women. One was her roommate in the barracks, the other was the roommate's little sister (stationed in the States), and the last one was the girl she had cheated on me with in AIT who was deployed. So, her and I fought often, and I remained her 'attachment' for the rest of the year...and all that 'marriage' talk went out the fucking window. But, on the bright side, I improved my German language skills, started taking some pills to help me sleep, and I at least tried to travel more, stay strong, and really just soak in the fact that I was in another Country.
2014: This year was not any less confusing than the year prior. Taz and I were still estranged (especially after I nearly died of alcohol poisoning due to drinking two whole bottles of Hennessy---never doing that again), and then around March, we took a week-long trip to Italy to celebrate my birthday (we visited Venice, Pisa, and Rome. it was amazing!). We would get together in either April or May and then the marriage card would come up again. Things would be good for a few months until Taz started stressing about where they were going to send her in the States...and part of her tried leaving our relationship 'up to fate' listing the place closest to our home state, but then, putting the state of her other girl crush on the list too. More fights happened as we started talking about marriage more and more because we needed to be on the same page...but as per usual, the talks made her feel pressured and before I knew it, she was trying to break up with me again.Eventually, she would get picked to go to Ft.Campbell in KY and that was good because it was close to home. Taz was still having her issues and started saying things like the distance is too much and that obviously our relationship is lacking if she keeps breaking up with me...so, in an attempt to save 'us', I give her a hallpass which allows her to sleep with other people as long as she stays with me. Buuuuuut, she ends up breaking up with me anyways.Fast-forward to October and things are at their worst. Not only is Taz ignoring me, but whe she does talk to me, all she can do is lie to me. At this point she has told me that I am fat, annoying, I'm not sexy anymore, and I don't make her happy. I have quit my job, I'm sick and suicidal...and my whole world seems to be crumbling.Taz finally calls me to come see her on base and I feel like this is my saving grace...and everything goes well until I ask about 'us' (after she starts kissing me and touching me), and then I get kicked off the military base with no way to get home because the trains are on strike.I get up my courage to call a friend after I get her number off of Taz and this girl comes to my rescue (I will call her 'Sage' okay?). So...Sage picks me up and drives me to a mutual friend's house and I basically spill my heart out as to what has been going on with Taz and I for the past 2 years. I finally admit that it is abusive and that I can't take it anymore. Sage gives me her bunk to sleep in and I ask her if she will sleep next to me so I feel safe. She does this, and then even though I try and leave every day after that first night, Sage and another friend (Britt) ask me to stay because they know I'm mostly alone in Augsburg and they actually like my company. Sage and I stay up talking every single night about nonsense and it is the first time in a long time I feel appreciated, that I feel human, that I actually feel happy. Fast-forward a week and I am not even thinking about Taz anymore and it turns out that I have my eyes on Sage who occasionally looks like she has eyes for me as well. we have a connection I just can't explain and my heart flutters when I am near her. She makes me feel safe. I never let these feelings out before because I was always Taz's 'property'...but now that I am free, I can finally accept the way I feel. Still, come Friday, Taz is asking to see me...says she is sorry and misses me. I invite her over to dinner, but when she pulls me upstairs to cuddle...it doesn't feel right. I hate that she in Sage's spot. Her kisses are suddenly vile and wrong, I don't find myself falling for her all over again like I normally do. Anger rises in me and i just want her to leave. So I tell her to go home, tell her she cannot spend the night. And that night...Sage and I play a few card games, have a few drinks, we finally tell each other how we feel, and we share our first kiss, and then make love for the very first time.A few days later, our connection has grown so strong..Taz has found out about us sleeping together and is trying to make a fuss but neither Sage nor I listen to her and finally I tell Taz that we can never be with each other again. she tries to propose to win me back...but I'm tired of being an object, tired of the mental abuse, and I tell her no. I want to be with someone that makes me feel, someone that makes me smile, someone that keeps me safe at night, someone that makes me feel beautiful, someone that loves me for who I am. I want to be with Sage. So, in November, I go back to the USA for 2 months to visit family, then in January I came back to Germany to be with this new woman whom I love.
2015: I am finally me...I am the me that I have not been in over 4-years. I am the persona that was locked in a cage this whole time out of fear of being alone, fear of being hated, and was locked away because I could not see myself as beautiful. But, Sage has changed all of that for me. She has encouraged me to embrace myself no matter what...to try and be a plus-sized model, to continue my blogging, to focus on my religious journey if I want, to be a nerdy gamer, to get more tattoos, to allow myself to openly be a Furry and talk to other people much like myself. She talks to me, she understands me...she listens to me. She has opened so many doors for me and I have started feeling emotions I never even knew existed!!!
*Whew* So there you have it...did I miss anything?I know this new journey is risky...as are all others. I also know that this journey will have its ups and downs...all relationships do. But, I refuse to be a 'thing' anymore. I refuse to take that mental abuse and put myself down because I feel like I'm not good enough. I did everything that I could to make Taz and I last...I put aside my own wants and needs to try and make us work, and she took advantage of that. I'm done being a victim and I choose to live for me from now...I choose to live for me and pursue happiness :)I choose to be me. I look forward to all updates in the future.
So...to make short work of this long story, I will give you a summary of the rest of my year for 2013 and then the whole year for 2014.
2013: So, the rest of 2013 was a jumble of emotions because Taz could not decide what she wanted. While she had promised me that everything was going to be okay, we did not get back together for the entirety of that year because she was mulling over being with 3 different women. One was her roommate in the barracks, the other was the roommate's little sister (stationed in the States), and the last one was the girl she had cheated on me with in AIT who was deployed. So, her and I fought often, and I remained her 'attachment' for the rest of the year...and all that 'marriage' talk went out the fucking window. But, on the bright side, I improved my German language skills, started taking some pills to help me sleep, and I at least tried to travel more, stay strong, and really just soak in the fact that I was in another Country.
2014: This year was not any less confusing than the year prior. Taz and I were still estranged (especially after I nearly died of alcohol poisoning due to drinking two whole bottles of Hennessy---never doing that again), and then around March, we took a week-long trip to Italy to celebrate my birthday (we visited Venice, Pisa, and Rome. it was amazing!). We would get together in either April or May and then the marriage card would come up again. Things would be good for a few months until Taz started stressing about where they were going to send her in the States...and part of her tried leaving our relationship 'up to fate' listing the place closest to our home state, but then, putting the state of her other girl crush on the list too. More fights happened as we started talking about marriage more and more because we needed to be on the same page...but as per usual, the talks made her feel pressured and before I knew it, she was trying to break up with me again.Eventually, she would get picked to go to Ft.Campbell in KY and that was good because it was close to home. Taz was still having her issues and started saying things like the distance is too much and that obviously our relationship is lacking if she keeps breaking up with me...so, in an attempt to save 'us', I give her a hallpass which allows her to sleep with other people as long as she stays with me. Buuuuuut, she ends up breaking up with me anyways.Fast-forward to October and things are at their worst. Not only is Taz ignoring me, but whe she does talk to me, all she can do is lie to me. At this point she has told me that I am fat, annoying, I'm not sexy anymore, and I don't make her happy. I have quit my job, I'm sick and suicidal...and my whole world seems to be crumbling.Taz finally calls me to come see her on base and I feel like this is my saving grace...and everything goes well until I ask about 'us' (after she starts kissing me and touching me), and then I get kicked off the military base with no way to get home because the trains are on strike.I get up my courage to call a friend after I get her number off of Taz and this girl comes to my rescue (I will call her 'Sage' okay?). So...Sage picks me up and drives me to a mutual friend's house and I basically spill my heart out as to what has been going on with Taz and I for the past 2 years. I finally admit that it is abusive and that I can't take it anymore. Sage gives me her bunk to sleep in and I ask her if she will sleep next to me so I feel safe. She does this, and then even though I try and leave every day after that first night, Sage and another friend (Britt) ask me to stay because they know I'm mostly alone in Augsburg and they actually like my company. Sage and I stay up talking every single night about nonsense and it is the first time in a long time I feel appreciated, that I feel human, that I actually feel happy. Fast-forward a week and I am not even thinking about Taz anymore and it turns out that I have my eyes on Sage who occasionally looks like she has eyes for me as well. we have a connection I just can't explain and my heart flutters when I am near her. She makes me feel safe. I never let these feelings out before because I was always Taz's 'property'...but now that I am free, I can finally accept the way I feel. Still, come Friday, Taz is asking to see me...says she is sorry and misses me. I invite her over to dinner, but when she pulls me upstairs to cuddle...it doesn't feel right. I hate that she in Sage's spot. Her kisses are suddenly vile and wrong, I don't find myself falling for her all over again like I normally do. Anger rises in me and i just want her to leave. So I tell her to go home, tell her she cannot spend the night. And that night...Sage and I play a few card games, have a few drinks, we finally tell each other how we feel, and we share our first kiss, and then make love for the very first time.A few days later, our connection has grown so strong..Taz has found out about us sleeping together and is trying to make a fuss but neither Sage nor I listen to her and finally I tell Taz that we can never be with each other again. she tries to propose to win me back...but I'm tired of being an object, tired of the mental abuse, and I tell her no. I want to be with someone that makes me feel, someone that makes me smile, someone that keeps me safe at night, someone that makes me feel beautiful, someone that loves me for who I am. I want to be with Sage. So, in November, I go back to the USA for 2 months to visit family, then in January I came back to Germany to be with this new woman whom I love.
2015: I am finally me...I am the me that I have not been in over 4-years. I am the persona that was locked in a cage this whole time out of fear of being alone, fear of being hated, and was locked away because I could not see myself as beautiful. But, Sage has changed all of that for me. She has encouraged me to embrace myself no matter what...to try and be a plus-sized model, to continue my blogging, to focus on my religious journey if I want, to be a nerdy gamer, to get more tattoos, to allow myself to openly be a Furry and talk to other people much like myself. She talks to me, she understands me...she listens to me. She has opened so many doors for me and I have started feeling emotions I never even knew existed!!!
*Whew* So there you have it...did I miss anything?I know this new journey is risky...as are all others. I also know that this journey will have its ups and downs...all relationships do. But, I refuse to be a 'thing' anymore. I refuse to take that mental abuse and put myself down because I feel like I'm not good enough. I did everything that I could to make Taz and I last...I put aside my own wants and needs to try and make us work, and she took advantage of that. I'm done being a victim and I choose to live for me from now...I choose to live for me and pursue happiness :)I choose to be me. I look forward to all updates in the future.
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