So many regrets, and so little time.

Well I am hating myself more and more now. I have let myself go a bit too far. I feel like I am getting out of shape, yet I do not really have the drive to really do anything about it. I have not really been taking care of myself and my body, and now I am feeling the effects of it. I have not been brushing my teeth as well as I should be, and now I have five cavities. I hate myself for it, and I want to blame my ex for hurting me so badly and making my life a hell. I want to hate her for making me push people out of my life, for controlling me, making me hate myself and very self conscious, but I can't blame her. It is my fault that I let her do all of that stuff to me, its my fault that I did all of that stuff, it is all my fault. I did so many things wrong, that I regret with all of my heart. It keeps eating at my, and I hate it. I at times feel so lonely because of all the people I pushed away, and I still do push people away when they get to close. It is not easy for me to make friends in person because I feel so shy when I am face to face, I am so awkward in public, and even when i am just typing to a person. I am sick of myself. I either feel too fat, or too thin. I feel like I am a horrible person, I feel ugly and useless, even though people tell me I am not. I do not even know why I even ramble or even really talk about my problems, thoughts, and feelings on here anymore, I feel like no one is really listening, or trying to help me. I stopped the daily journal because I feel like it is pointless. It isn't helping me at all. I keep going into the dark pit in my mind, wondering if I will ever get someone special again, and if I ever do get someone special again, how quickly will I ruin it out of my stupidity and awkwardness. I just keep running things through my mind in a little wheel of despair.