So many changes

It has been a while since I posted a journal entry.
In April 2015, I was finally able to start Benlysta infusions for Lupus. The first few infusions were brutal. Flu-like feeling, extreme fatigue, migraine, and nausea for about 48 hours after each infusion. The side effects have finally started to ease up a bit. I still have significant joint pain and fatigue but fight daily to take care of my kids and my home. I still don't let on how miserable I feel most of the time and just deal with it.
Last month, after struggling for years to keep my family together, I gave up and decided to file for a divorce from my husband of nearly 20 years. I got so used to the verbal abuse that I was starting to think that I was a horrible person that brought it out of him.
The last straw was the evening he kept texting me from the basement asking me to come party with him. My youngest and I were snuggling on the couch watching a movie together. He came up and in front of our son said "suck it, bitch". For the first time I did not cry and my son said he was happy that I didn't. That was when I realized it was over. I have been called everything from bitch, whore, fat lazy slob. He told the kids that I am nothing but a babysitter.
I have not slept next to him in months. We have not been intimate in years (3+). Though I have Lupus, and there are days I expect to not feel well, I am starting to realize that the stress and extreme cruelty he puts me through has caused the Lupus to go into overdrive causing me to be even sicker.
I also am realizing that he turned his back on me when I started getting sick and he kicked me when I was at my lowest point. For that, I will never forgive him. In fact, a part of me hates him. 
I know that alcoholics have a disease just as anyone with cancer or Lupus or any other disease. The difference is that I am fighting to stay alive and he just gave up.... On me, on our marriage, on our life together as a family. I can't be strong for both of us any more. I shouldn't have to. When he was in jail for 3 months during the first year of our marriage, I stuck beside him. I didn't divorce him. Why didn't he do the same for me when I was diagnosed and started getting sicker?
Yes, I know it is scary to have a loved one that is sick. Trust me, it is happening to me. I think I am even more scared. If I have not given up on fighting my disease, why did he?
I tried everything to save my marriage. I asked him to go to counseling. He went to two appointments then said it was a waste of time because there was nothing wrong. I have tried crying, fighting back, ignoring, leaving, calling the police when he went into a fit of rage and destroyed the house. Nothing has helped.
Anyways, the courts sent a certified letter the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. He didn't get it because he was at work. Thursday was the holiday so the post office was closed. Friday he refused to go get it. Saturday, he asked me if I know what it was about so I looked him in the eyes and told him that I had filed and that I was sick of the abuse and drinking. He has refused to go get the letter and has since stopped drinking and is spending more time with our children. He has not yelled once or said a mean thing to me or our kids.  Too late! I will never trust him again. I have been down this road with him. As soon as he thinks it is safe he will go back to his old behavior. I know this all too well. 
So, I continue the process for the divorce. Saturday I have to go to a mandatory parenting class that he is supposed to go to as well but he doesn't know anything about it because he stuck his head in the sand like he always does. January 4th is a 3 hour court evaluation and January 19th is the court case. I am taking my Dad as a witness to his alcoholism. He can't witness the abuse because he was not there, but our children can. I don't want them to witness against their father. That would not be fair to them.
Since I filed, I deleted all forms of social media. I removed my facebook account, skype, twitter.... Though I was not doing anything wrong on them, I usually left my facebook open on my laptop all day and I did not want him to come back saying all I did was hang out on facebook all day and neglect our kids. All that has done is made me feel isolated and completely alone.  
I am feeling kind of sneaky right now. I have not brought up the divorce to him since. Things have been peaceful and I would like them to stay that way until I have that divorce decree in my hands. The holidays will be hard. I don't want to be around him and my family doesn't really want him around either. My older two kids know that I filed but my little one does not. This will be their last Christmas with both parents together. My heart hurts for them that they have to go through this and guilt, at times, consumes me.
Today was a bad Lupus day and I am feeling very emotional and overwhelmed. The weather is not helping with the joint pain. Chronic pain is depressing in it's own right but then to pile all this on top...I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But, my kids need their mother so I will continue to hide the tears and the pain.....for them!!!