So I'm drunk.

I'm sitting here half drunk, remembering a-lot of stuff, the thing is I've not had a drink in quite a while, but the one person that should of been proud about the fact that I've only had a couple of drinks should be happy about that, said "It's okay I expected you to have more" I don't think they realized but this killed me, so much that I grabbed another bottle and have had another drink, like. It really killed me, like I'm sitting here broken that I even had three beers and two shots. But you're here like "Oh it's fine I expected you to come home really pissed" Like really mum? Thats all you've got to say? How about telling me to learn again from what I have done, and learn from what I saw and ignore how it made me feel. I know I should be able to do this on my own but I can't but you're so wrapped up in someone that isn't even our own family that you can't even see that I'm falling apart again even though I'm trying so hard, like... It's one of those times that you sit here and you're stuck in an area that you can't get out of. I've had so many people say I'm an inspiration but I'm sat here like, why!?!?! I'm a drunk, ex-drug addict. I'm stuck in a rut of depression, I can't cope with who I am as a human being, I've got a dad that rather would drink than ever see me again yet I'm too weak to just say fine, go then. And even then my "Friends" say I told you so, like what gives anyone a right to say that to me? These are my choices. Whether they be bad, good or in-between, it's nothing to do with you. I can't even love someone anymore, like I had the most perfect human being that probably could ever exist and I can't love them back anymore because I'm such a broken person. Like, I dunno, it's just I shouldn't have people looking up to me the way they do, I'm the kind of person your parents would hate, the kind of person that loves, cares and tries so much, but its not enough for me too even feel slightly useful, I'm my mums carer and even then I feel like I'm failing her, I rescue animals and even then I feel like I'm failing them, like theres nothing I can do for them.
 
I try to get over everything that happened in the past, or is happening now... I just can't. I dunno what it is, am I just that much of an awful person? I mean, everyone says I'm not but to me. TO ME, that's how it feels. Like I'm never going to accomplish anything, fuck my past with the army, the fire-brigade, caring for my mum, all of those things to me are just me trying to prove I'm a decent person, I dunno. Maybe I'm just fighting with my-self so much that I'll never be able to find who I really am? Like I know how much I hurt people too, that person I wanted to love so much, but was incapable well, I've destroyed him as a human being, and I know that isn't my fault. But I can't help but feel it is. Like, I could of just pretended I still loved him, kept going, even forced myself to ignore my own issues, ignore everything and just keep going on like I loved him, but I thought if I carried on he would hate me more if he realized, the thing is I hate myself more for hurting him than pretending and trying to make this happen. 
 
I dunno, I just feel so broken and lost at the moment. I dunno what to do anymore, I'm so confused in myself, so lost in my own mind and dreams. I don't know how to cope. I can't get over these things I should, they are just stuck there in my memory, I can't find the strength to move on, is there something I'm missing? Something I should be able to see but I can't? Something I should be able to use, to force myself forward? I dunno, I guess I'm ranting now. So I'll leave it there and finish this drink, Well. I'll talk to you later then random computer screen. Take care, and safe journey.