So Here Goes

So I might as well kick this off. I'm Ben and I'm finding i need a good dosage of strength now and then. I sometimes wonder where I go wrong. I'll start off with stuff about me. Firstly, I live a straightedge lifestyle which means I abstain from alcohol, cigarettes, recreational drugs and promiscuous sex. I'm very proud that I've been living this lifestyle for nine years, but recently have had an edge break. I'm overweight and try very had to lose the pounds. I work out when I can. I've recently suffered some financial woes, but that'll come later. I'm currently dating a woman named Chantelle, but I call her Telly. She seems to be the cause of alot of stress in my life. Again I'll get to that. Let's start at the beginning.I was with a woman named Sabra for nearly 5 years. I met her online and we lived about three hours apart. Now Sabra was constantly cheating on me. I kept finding out, we'd argue it out but in the end we'd stay together and work on the relationship. To say it was unhealthy would be a bit of an understatement. I seem to find myself always going for the women who mistreat me. I'm not quite sure why. It's not that they're horrible people, I just think they are a little messed up, or maybe it's just me who is. Anywho, I moved to Kingston after about a year and a half of being with Sabra and things went well enough that we decided to start planning a wedding. It took us three years to set a date. Now There were more issues accumulating and eventually I was done college in 2008 and decided to move back to my hometown. My sister was pregnant, and I really missed home. So I left, well Sabra was unfaithful once more. This is where a life changing moment happened. A friend of mine and I decided that I should not be the only faithful one in the relationship and we had sex. Now after that night was over, I called Sabra and ended it. It took alot of my strength but I found that over the years i had really buried the guy I had been in order to make Sabra more comfortable, not to mention my self esteem had taken a huge beating from all cheating and hurtful comments. Sabra was a bit abusive and I really was glad to be out of it.  So i took about two weeks to regain my ground and started to date. Now I had stopped dating in high school, I found that the rules for adult dating were much different, especially with all the rising technology. I'm young but I still liked the personal touch. I started to date again, I wasn't ready for a relationship, but mostly just wanted to see what was out there. I said in the beginning I don't have promiscuous sex, but that doesn't mean I don't have sex. I believe promiscuous is when you're sleeping with people you don't really know or trust. I'd rather get to know someone for a bit then maybe sleep with them. I met quite a few women, but about a month and a half later I started dating a woman named Vessa. Now Vessa and I had been friends for nearly a year, and we thought it would work out. She was trying to start out on a new path in life and not drink so much and not smoke pot. Well that faultered fast and we decided to split after less than a month. About three weeks later I met a woman named Christina, who is now my best friend. Christina and I had alot in common, we were very similar and we're both sexual people. After about two weeks of talking on the phone and texting non stop we decided to meet up and we spent nearly a week at her house just hanging out and getting to know each other. It really helped me cause it gave me alot of confidence back. we were both getting over our exes and we kind of used each other to ease ourselves out of that. Unfortunately you can only sleep with someone for so long before you start to develop feelings, and we decided we were better off as close friends. I started seeing two women: One was named Beth who i met in August and i didn't feel much for; the other was a woman named Candace, whom I had met in May when i broke up with Sabra but we didn't really hang out till about July. Please remember this was all in 2008. Now I really liked Candace, but unfortunately she didn't feel the same. She liked me better as a friend, which is what I decided to leave it as. The rejection hit hard and I ended up starting a relationship with Beth that would last for several months. In December I met another woman named Danielle and I was kind of two timing Beth. When i say kind of I mean that I was telling her this relationship was over and maybe she'd be happier at home, but instead she clung on to the belief that we had a lasting relationship. I know I should've put my foot down harder, but problem was I would feel bad, so I kept trying to be honest with her and say things like "I'm seeing someone else" or "This isn't a relationship, we aren't together" and etc. But she didn't take it. In February I had given up on Danielle becuase it was too confusing with the Beth situation, and decided to just leave it be till i could sort that all out. Well I ended up meeting my current girlfriend Telly at her work when i went into Tim Horton's looking for my buddy Colton. Colton wasn't working and instead we started talking and hit it off. I set Beth straight finally in the beginning of March and started pursuing Telly. It wasn't easy, I laid alot of foundation, but Telly was interested in another guy named Brandon. Brandon and I were kind of friends so i backed off until he told me he didn't have those feelings and that I should pursue her. Finally in about April, I managed to get a date and on May 4 of 2009 we were officially a couple. I fell for her fast, and she fell for me fast as well. In June she met my friends in Kingston and seemed to hit it off with a few of them. Things went well for quite awhile. In July she took a trip out west but it wasn't as they planned. Her best friend, Danielle, ended up rupturing her pancreas and they spent the last week of their vacation in a Regina hospital. When Telly came back there was a bit of a change in her, I guess from what she had seen, but we were still alright. Unfortunately I came across some difficulties and had to move in with Colton and his girlfriend, (oddly enough named) Chantelle. Now you see why I call her Telly, lol. Well i went to Telly's older brother's wedding and we had an okay time. She was drunk and hung out with her friend Keira most of the night. Danielle ended up feeling very low and needed someone to talk to so i took care of her for the wedding. Later that night Telly's younger brother, Ken, decided he was in love with a woman from the wedding, but we wouldnt' let him go back to the party. He was drunk and all, so i calmed him down. We drove back from Chatham the next morning, after four hours of driving I was tired and I don't remember the rest of the day. In September is when shit really started going down. i had become close to Chantelle and it was making Telly a bit jealous. Which was a bit weird cause I had been jealous of this guy named Joshua that she hangs out with all the time. He'd pursued her while we were together and didn't really respect the relationship. She never saw this as a problem or a threat so she'd defend him to the death. She still does, and it's a bit weird. Anyways, Colton and Chantelle were breaking up and I was kind of torn in the middle. I tried to stay out of it but they would both vent to me and suddenly i was caught in a whirl wind even though I had tried to get out numerous times. I probably should've seen it coming and walked away, wish I had, could've saved alot of grief. The end result was Colton moving out and I was left to live with Chantelle. I was fine with that but Telly had sided with Colton and it caused trouble. We were arguing about how Colton had instantly broken up with Chantelle and the next day he'd slept with a new girl and enter a relationship. We cleared it up recently as a misunderstanding, but at the time we were just on opposite ends. That's when all the fights began. Things like her wanting to smoke marijuana and I really had issues with it. Or her time spent with Joshua and I was hoping she would spend less time with him. And so forth. It seemed I would toss out a compromise like "Instead of seeing Joshua four days a week every week, maybe make it two or three?", she would instantly disregard it and make me feel terrible for having an issue. By November the issues had really just become too huge and it erupted. I ended up spending four days moving her to a new house, then three days later she ended it with me in the middle of a discussion. I grieved it for a few days and decided to try and move on. I spent some time with Christina and her new boyfriend. Then when i came back about a week after the breakup, Telly and I spoke and she said she missed me and wanted me back. I was skeptical at first. I had just spent about a week trying to get over everything, i broke edge cause of the pain (which was the first time I ever did that, and I regret it), and I couldn't trust her to not do it again. What if it was just loneliness. Without me having to bring any of that up, she explained fully she knew the issues and wanted to work on it. So i gave it another shot. It was good for two weeks, then it seemed like she stopped trying and here i was holding the relationship on my own again. I felt like a pest sometimes, felt like she didn't want me around. We started fighting again, it got to the point that I just stopped caring. An issue arose in me, I'd bury it in me and just try to let it go. Seemed to work until yesterday. Telly's brother, Ken, lives in Saskatchewan and I know it kills her when he leaves after a visit. Well the past week I haven't slept well, I was going to be at her house the next morning but unfortunately I overslept. I woke up and had a few things to do for my mom, so i messaged her and told her that i overslept and i was sorry I missed it. She said it was fine and she was fine. So I decided that she was, who was i to question it? I probably should've just asked if she wanted me to come over, but I didn't think of it...i know selfish. I can see the selfishness in me sometimes and it frustrates me that i can't just let go. I was hanging out with a friend and I still felt really bad about not being with Telly, but with her telling me she was fine I had to try and assume she was. Her facebook status said she was sleeping cause she works nights. Well while she was at work we started messaging and that's when it came out that she was really angry that i had missed out and that she had wanted my support and i wasn't there. I told her i felt bad and that caused another outburst where she stated that no wonder her and Josh look so close, he's always there for her. That hurt, it was very harsh and it set me off. I lost my temper and told her off. This morning we were discussing it and she said she knew it was a bit harsh what she said but she really felt it. So I'm left standing here thinking, that after all the nice things i do for her to show her that i appreciate her, I'm not doing enough. People have tossed it out there "You moved her", "You pick up her groceries" , "You take her everywhere she wants to go", they go on about the things i do for her and how Josh isn't there for that...apparently it's still not good enough and I really don't know how to fix this. I'm angry that i seem to always get compared to Josh, but I just don't want to fight with her. Anywho, that's all for now...