So hard to let go

I feel like a duck underwater or a bat upside down. This could be seen as a good thing, if you're a duck or a bat but i'm not. I feel stuck, i'm covered in mud that will never come off. To be out in the sun helps, makes me feel at least a little alive. But i'd rather hide in the shadows, the light is too intense and the darkness welcomes me. It feels like something's changing in me, not sure yet whether it's good or bad.
Panic attacks suck!! They come out of nowhere and half the time i have no idea what causes them, my feelings and thoughts just swarm my brain and they don't give me a break, sometimes it makes me feel insane. I'll take it day by day but i will not let go. Even though he's gone i can't live without him. I'll never let him go. I'll tie us both up in my rope so we'll never be apart.