So Hard
I so wish I had my old life back!! It seems like I am some sort of zombie,I try to get some kind of joy in my life but how?? I try and be there for the others I try to get involved with their sports and stuff, It just seems to get harder, I have such a hole in my heart and it is filled with such pain, yet somehow I manage to get up everyday and go on? I am not sure how, I guess we all just do ...what else is there? but I have read so many journals and those who have been on this journey longer than myself still feel such a pain in their heart.. what I wouldnt do to feel whole again to have my family as one...I wish I could feel Ashley around me , I feel nothing I dream nothing, all I get is the constant ache to see her and touch her to hear her voice, to hear her argue with her sister or playing softball or to see her throw that saber in the air! to see her accept her diploma to see her off to college to have her home for the summer, I wish we could have our old lives back....... Love you ASH
Replies
After so much time the pain is still the same as day one - isn\'t it????????????? That is what scares me with only 3 years gone since my son died. In other words, there is no true way out of this pain. It IS there for the rest of our lives and really does not decrease. We just exist. Your entry above so clearly shows me that. I don\'t want to live like that but I really don\'t have a choice... how could this have happened and why???
Hugs to you for your continual pain. What a beautiful daughter - a baby - an angel that went home way too soon.
Unfortunately, we don\'t have a choice. It sucks! The only thing that has really helped me is grief counseling. It saved me! Before I decided to really try at counseling, I was a mess, a very bad mess. The experience has been amazing for me. It\'s a thought, hon. Love ya, Barbara
We all want our old lives back. I too would take back all the sibling arguments, the messes, the teenage worries, all of it to have my son back. But I do tend to disagree with some opinions. I do think it will always be painful in some way but I think the pain will be easier to bear and not quite so frequent as time goes by. I get so sad somedays but I just have to tell myself that being sad won\'t change anything, only keep me miserable and a poor wife and mother. It\'s a conscious decision and one we have to try to make. I agree with Barb, counseling couldn\'t hurt. Thinking of you friend. Love Robin