So Hard

I so wish I had my old life back!! It seems like I am some sort of zombie,I try to get some kind of joy in my life but how?? I try and be there for the others I try to get involved with their sports and stuff, It just seems to get harder, I have such a hole in my heart and it is filled with such pain, yet somehow I manage to get up everyday and go on? I am not sure how, I guess we all just do ...what else is there? but I have read so many journals and those who have been on this journey longer than myself still feel such a  pain in their heart.. what I wouldnt do to feel whole again to have my family as one...I wish I could feel Ashley around me , I feel nothing I dream nothing, all I get is the constant ache to see her and touch her to hear her voice, to hear her argue with her sister or playing softball or to see her throw that saber in the air! to see her accept her diploma to see her off to college to have her home for the summer, I wish we could have our old lives back....... Love you ASH