so final

Today I feel that I have finally realised how serious my ED is and it feels like a death to me. The future rolls out in front of me, empty and full of pain. I seem to just endure life at the moment and though to the outside world I appear to be participating and coping, inside of me it feels dead and smashed to bits, I feel like a broken person.  The sun may be shining but I can take no pleasure in it. How could our beloved children deal out so much pain to us?  My ED put up babyhood pics of her and also of her with her Dad on facebook on mothers day and commented on her fun times with Dad etc, I was very upset but I also felt angry and longed to write to her and ask ' Who do you think took those pictures?' I just don't understand how she can be so hateful, she was always the child I got on well with..or so I thought, 24 years old, loved and supported as much as I possibly could.. will I ever understand?  I think she too must be feeling the pain of our estrangement but I wonder if I am fooling myself and perhaps she barely gives me a passing thought.. this is the most excruciating and difficult thing I have ever had to deal with.