so depressed.........

so my grandpa died on may 19th and i am crushed.......but the thing is i feel so numb.....like so numb that i wana cut because that way i can prove to myself that i'm alive and i didn't die with him.....i cry, but even when i cry i feel numb....and now i'm so depressed-i call it depressed becasue i don't know what else to call it-that i have zero energy.....like i seriously drive and i feel so tired that i hafta take a nap.....i haven't felt this tired since 2009 when i was still undiagnosed for depression.....i have no energy and i don't know how much longer i can stand to be like this.....it's killing me both inside and out to have ZERO energy and to feel so numb and feel depressed at the same time.....i feel like my energy is just spent and i just can't stand it anymore!!!!