So damn tired....again!
I feel so defeated right now. Mostly, I feel that I have defeated myself. All those plans; all that work; and I left it off when he got hurt, and I started to see what I honestly believed some kind of change in him. Part of me now wonders if he knew all along that I was well on my way to being out of the house in days when he got "hurt". Is it wrong of me to think that his injury (or whatever the hell it was, since they never found anything, he just couldn't walk for over a month), was a ploy on his part to suck me back in and leave me in worse shape than I was just a few short months ago? Is that paranoia, or could there actually be some truth in it?
Anyway, I went from being nearly out the door, to not even having safe transportation again--as my car mysteriously came up with some pretty dangerous issues right after he bought the new car that I refused to drive (although he expected me to pay for). Really...now my brake lines are leaking?! Does that even EVER randomly happen to a vehicle? Now, the battery cables are so loose (and can't be tightened), that if I do brave the drive in my "dangerous" car that leaves me sitting on the side of the road for at least 20-30 minutes EVERY single time I drive it, if I do brave it and deal with it....it may or may not start up when I get to where I'm going? I just put new tires on the car and they are already so bald that metal threads are showing through?! Does this kind of stuff happen in real life?! Suddenly, my entire savings has been wiped out because there were so many emergencies that came up that I had to take care of. Suddenly, oh hell...there is so much that I end up just sounding paranoid or like I'm quoting the plot of some chessy Lifetime movie. But in the back of my mind, the doubt is tickling me....doubt that this stuff is randomly happening, doubt that my plans were really as super secret as I thought they were.
So, I resumed my planning...in spite of the crap that is going on with my money and my car, I'll figure that out. I read up and learn as much as I can about NPD and coping with individuals who have personality disorders. I call and try to get counseling restarted at the Crisis Intervention Center for me and the girls, figured I would just figure out how to get there. I learn to tune him out and defuse him (for the most part), without deteriorating into a hot mess right along with him. I am proud of myself and thinking I am getting stronger; what does he do? He ups the ante. He starts attacking my children verbally. How am I supposed to stand by and try to defuse that without falling back into that pattern. He has forced my hand and I am in NO position to leave right now. Not financially, not transportationally (is that eve a word?!); not at all. All my careful planning went to shit. My 6 month time frame has been blown out of the water. I need to go NOW. And he won't even give me the chance to try to sit down and come up with a viable plan. NO...he keeps hounding me and badgering me; won't let me sleep, won't let me off the phone, I can barely even keep my thoughts together on basic stuff at this point, let alone what I need to do.
And it all comes back to what I have done wrong. No mention of the shit that he has put us through for the past I don't know how many years. No mention of what he just did to our daughter who is now verbally expressing the desire to end her life (she has a dr's appt today, which may further force a decision from me. I am running the risk that my children will be taken from me, and I know that, but right now I am so afraid of not doing something and it leading to something that can never be taken back (either she will hurt herself or someone else). No....everything that he is done is the result of the way I have treated him. I used to believe that bullshit, but now I am just so tired of it and I know that I have believed him for so long, at the cost of my children's (and my own) mental health. The cost has NOT been worth it.
The most frustrating part is that I feel so freaking helpless. I wish that I could safely look at him and tell him the truth. When he keeps badgering me with "So what do you want to do? Do you want to separate for a while?" I so want to say "YES!". But I've been down that road before and I KNOW how that plays out and it isn't pretty. I wish I had the type of relationship that when things are not working, both parties just agree to disagree and go their own ways cordially. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that for me. So, I'm stuck trying to figure out how to get out of here safely. Contemplating leaving everything behind and starting over AGAIN and dragging my kids around yet AGAIN.
Ugghh...just really tired.
Anyway, I went from being nearly out the door, to not even having safe transportation again--as my car mysteriously came up with some pretty dangerous issues right after he bought the new car that I refused to drive (although he expected me to pay for). Really...now my brake lines are leaking?! Does that even EVER randomly happen to a vehicle? Now, the battery cables are so loose (and can't be tightened), that if I do brave the drive in my "dangerous" car that leaves me sitting on the side of the road for at least 20-30 minutes EVERY single time I drive it, if I do brave it and deal with it....it may or may not start up when I get to where I'm going? I just put new tires on the car and they are already so bald that metal threads are showing through?! Does this kind of stuff happen in real life?! Suddenly, my entire savings has been wiped out because there were so many emergencies that came up that I had to take care of. Suddenly, oh hell...there is so much that I end up just sounding paranoid or like I'm quoting the plot of some chessy Lifetime movie. But in the back of my mind, the doubt is tickling me....doubt that this stuff is randomly happening, doubt that my plans were really as super secret as I thought they were.
So, I resumed my planning...in spite of the crap that is going on with my money and my car, I'll figure that out. I read up and learn as much as I can about NPD and coping with individuals who have personality disorders. I call and try to get counseling restarted at the Crisis Intervention Center for me and the girls, figured I would just figure out how to get there. I learn to tune him out and defuse him (for the most part), without deteriorating into a hot mess right along with him. I am proud of myself and thinking I am getting stronger; what does he do? He ups the ante. He starts attacking my children verbally. How am I supposed to stand by and try to defuse that without falling back into that pattern. He has forced my hand and I am in NO position to leave right now. Not financially, not transportationally (is that eve a word?!); not at all. All my careful planning went to shit. My 6 month time frame has been blown out of the water. I need to go NOW. And he won't even give me the chance to try to sit down and come up with a viable plan. NO...he keeps hounding me and badgering me; won't let me sleep, won't let me off the phone, I can barely even keep my thoughts together on basic stuff at this point, let alone what I need to do.
And it all comes back to what I have done wrong. No mention of the shit that he has put us through for the past I don't know how many years. No mention of what he just did to our daughter who is now verbally expressing the desire to end her life (she has a dr's appt today, which may further force a decision from me. I am running the risk that my children will be taken from me, and I know that, but right now I am so afraid of not doing something and it leading to something that can never be taken back (either she will hurt herself or someone else). No....everything that he is done is the result of the way I have treated him. I used to believe that bullshit, but now I am just so tired of it and I know that I have believed him for so long, at the cost of my children's (and my own) mental health. The cost has NOT been worth it.
The most frustrating part is that I feel so freaking helpless. I wish that I could safely look at him and tell him the truth. When he keeps badgering me with "So what do you want to do? Do you want to separate for a while?" I so want to say "YES!". But I've been down that road before and I KNOW how that plays out and it isn't pretty. I wish I had the type of relationship that when things are not working, both parties just agree to disagree and go their own ways cordially. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that for me. So, I'm stuck trying to figure out how to get out of here safely. Contemplating leaving everything behind and starting over AGAIN and dragging my kids around yet AGAIN.
Ugghh...just really tired.
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