So confused, tired and feeling oh so old!

Its not always to come completely clean! I have been in counseling, for what seems forever! (20 years) I still feel truly insane! I find myself in awe of, jealous of, envious of and so resentful of women, but especially of powerfully sexy women and men who were born with natural feminine qualities! I crave and obsess about female sexual power! I want it! Don't have any! I truly feel as if I am wired all wrong! I wish I was born a woman, but am stuck being a man! And not much of a man, either! Now, I know women, not men, set the standards for beauty and sexuality! I'm 55! Father of six! was married for twenty years(And I could write a book on all the different ways I developed to avoid sex with my now ex-wife!)Sex with women scares me nearly into anapholactic shock, sex with men is as natural as breathing! Yet I still hide from my true sexuality! I wish I was a women and I'm not! I really consider being "gay" as the "Grand Booby" prize! I am so scared of what people will think of me! And to top it off, I really believe that if my sister hadn't molested me and if I weren't so weak I wouldn't let her do it, That I wouldn't be so screwed up! I keep trying to have sex with women and keep failing! Then a really nice guy touches me and I become putty in his hands, like spme lovesick, love starved old maid! So, I stay alone, in hiding, once gain, stuck in my closet...Mother Goddess, please help me!