So Blessed....and yet...
It's been a year and a half of heartbreak and pain on a regular basis and I'm spent. We saved up for so long to get the vasectomy reversal (thank you hubby's ex-wife for that one) and when we learned that it was successful, I was so filled with hope.
And now I wonder if I'm just ungrateful for the blessings that I have.
I had waited for my husband for so long. I thought he would never show up in my life. And then he did and I thought "Now my life can truly begin." He is amazing and wonderful and I thank God every day for him.
Sometimes I feel like I must be ungrateful to not just be satisfied to live out my life with this wonderful man...to have such a desire for a baby. But then I think about the reasons I want a baby. I want to share that amazingly sacred experience of creating life with him. I want to look at that tiny, beautiful face and see my eyes and his mouth. I want to lay together and look at the perfect little being that we made and know that we are forever linked through that tiny soul. It's not just that I want a baby. It's that I want a baby with him.
Sometime I feel like I must be ungrateful because I have 2 step-kids, so it's not like my life is completely childless. They are great kids. They moved in with us full time a couple of years into our marriage. They were in need of a caring, attentive mom. And I love them. I do. But the fact remains that I've never had so many of the firsts that mom's cherish. I've never had that first day of kindergarten when you send your little one out into the world, hoping you've taught them to be strong and kind, pretending not to be scared so that they won't be. Then being there at the end of the day to hear their excitement and wonder at the new experience of school and friends. I've never had that first lost tooth when they are so scared and so excited and need you to hold their hand in that moment after it pops out. I've never had that first tentative step followed by a plopping bottom on the floor and a look of wonder at what just happened. I've never had that first word, that 'mama' that makes your heart melt. I've never heard that first giggle followed by a look of surprise at the sound coming out that they didn't know they could make. I've never had that moment, that first moment of life, that beautiful moment of first looking into a tiny pair of eyes, seeing each other for the first time and knowing in your soul that this person, this little, beautiful, perfect person...is yours. God's greatest gift and greatest trust.
Sometimes I feel like I must be ungrateful because God has blessed me with so much. Who am I to ask for more? I'm trying to be more grateful. And yet that hole in my heart...that aching emptiness where I would store those cherished first moments and soul-binding shared experiences....continues to cry out to be filled...
And now I wonder if I'm just ungrateful for the blessings that I have.
I had waited for my husband for so long. I thought he would never show up in my life. And then he did and I thought "Now my life can truly begin." He is amazing and wonderful and I thank God every day for him.
Sometimes I feel like I must be ungrateful to not just be satisfied to live out my life with this wonderful man...to have such a desire for a baby. But then I think about the reasons I want a baby. I want to share that amazingly sacred experience of creating life with him. I want to look at that tiny, beautiful face and see my eyes and his mouth. I want to lay together and look at the perfect little being that we made and know that we are forever linked through that tiny soul. It's not just that I want a baby. It's that I want a baby with him.
Sometime I feel like I must be ungrateful because I have 2 step-kids, so it's not like my life is completely childless. They are great kids. They moved in with us full time a couple of years into our marriage. They were in need of a caring, attentive mom. And I love them. I do. But the fact remains that I've never had so many of the firsts that mom's cherish. I've never had that first day of kindergarten when you send your little one out into the world, hoping you've taught them to be strong and kind, pretending not to be scared so that they won't be. Then being there at the end of the day to hear their excitement and wonder at the new experience of school and friends. I've never had that first lost tooth when they are so scared and so excited and need you to hold their hand in that moment after it pops out. I've never had that first tentative step followed by a plopping bottom on the floor and a look of wonder at what just happened. I've never had that first word, that 'mama' that makes your heart melt. I've never heard that first giggle followed by a look of surprise at the sound coming out that they didn't know they could make. I've never had that moment, that first moment of life, that beautiful moment of first looking into a tiny pair of eyes, seeing each other for the first time and knowing in your soul that this person, this little, beautiful, perfect person...is yours. God's greatest gift and greatest trust.
Sometimes I feel like I must be ungrateful because God has blessed me with so much. Who am I to ask for more? I'm trying to be more grateful. And yet that hole in my heart...that aching emptiness where I would store those cherished first moments and soul-binding shared experiences....continues to cry out to be filled...
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