So angry at 2011, life, family, job, unfairness
For years I was in so much pain in my head as I waited for the Migraine Doctor. 17 months wait as it got worse and I thought of suicide so often as I drove to work and back, crying at my burden. My boyfriend was causing fights with my teen son and I would come home to so much horrible tension. My life partner was continually unemployed and complacent to remain so and complain about everything under my roof. My job would get harder and harder as headoffice would put on greater pressure with less help and my vacations were used for sick days. My sister and mother and brother continued to act like spoiled children and criticize me for the smallest of descretion and treat me like a second class citizen. My step grandbaby was born too early and was fighting for his life and my family mocked me for calling myself grandmother while I prayed for his little life.
I was so horribly in pain and sick and all these burdens upon me and finally last November, the Migraine doctor gave me Botox and released me from my daily madness and I was able to breath again without daily pain. But madness in my job and family continues to escillate. Those who are to love me just kept pushing more and more! Where is the love? My life partner slaps my child! A few months earlier he bruises him and says it was the wall! So I kick him out and it happens to be a few days before Christmas and everyone is mad at me! ME! Everyone is mad at me! I've been building fences as hard and as fast as I can while everyone kicks them down behind me while I am in so much pain, yet I am at fault because I wrecked some stupid day called Christmas.
Bullshit! I saved my son from further abuse is what I did. I put an end to my misery and finally was healthy enough to KICK ASS.
I am so angry now it scares the hell out of me at the depths that it is taking within me. I'm angry at me for not doing this sooner and I'm so angry at my mate for treating me and my sons this way. The hurt goes so very very deep. He keeps calling and wanting to stay as a couple, and wanting to return, but there is no way in hell he is ever coming back until my last son has moved out after many years. We may still be a couple with counselling, but that is it. Stay out, because living together is over. I am so angry at my mother, brother and sister for their treatment that goes back to my childhood for crying out loud! --What is up with that?! That keeps bubbling up?! Crap from my previous marriage bubbles up?! Anger at work as it becomes even more overwhelming and there were no bonus' this year and I had to cancel my vacation days to keep up and the stress is just too much. Anger, Guilt, Anger, Crying, more anger, anger, anger and lots of crying.
I used to be in so much pain with the migraines and had to take pills and everyday was such a struggle to just keep myself from not killing myself and my loved ones took horrible advantage of my weakness while I was vulnerable. THEY WERE MEAN AND UNLOVING AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME. I was so STRONG and yeah for me, but DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, why can't I ever let my guard down. Anyone sees a weakness and they take such full advantage of me. Take all my kindness and use it against me. It's not fair. There is nowhere to hide and nowhere to go. I can't trust anyone. I can never rest.
Here I step out of complete migraine hell and then I step into this nightmare. I did not see it coming. I'm scared of tomorrow. Just more pain, either emotional of physical.
I'm a really nice person. Or am I?
Nothing makes sense.
Angela
I was so horribly in pain and sick and all these burdens upon me and finally last November, the Migraine doctor gave me Botox and released me from my daily madness and I was able to breath again without daily pain. But madness in my job and family continues to escillate. Those who are to love me just kept pushing more and more! Where is the love? My life partner slaps my child! A few months earlier he bruises him and says it was the wall! So I kick him out and it happens to be a few days before Christmas and everyone is mad at me! ME! Everyone is mad at me! I've been building fences as hard and as fast as I can while everyone kicks them down behind me while I am in so much pain, yet I am at fault because I wrecked some stupid day called Christmas.
Bullshit! I saved my son from further abuse is what I did. I put an end to my misery and finally was healthy enough to KICK ASS.
I am so angry now it scares the hell out of me at the depths that it is taking within me. I'm angry at me for not doing this sooner and I'm so angry at my mate for treating me and my sons this way. The hurt goes so very very deep. He keeps calling and wanting to stay as a couple, and wanting to return, but there is no way in hell he is ever coming back until my last son has moved out after many years. We may still be a couple with counselling, but that is it. Stay out, because living together is over. I am so angry at my mother, brother and sister for their treatment that goes back to my childhood for crying out loud! --What is up with that?! That keeps bubbling up?! Crap from my previous marriage bubbles up?! Anger at work as it becomes even more overwhelming and there were no bonus' this year and I had to cancel my vacation days to keep up and the stress is just too much. Anger, Guilt, Anger, Crying, more anger, anger, anger and lots of crying.
I used to be in so much pain with the migraines and had to take pills and everyday was such a struggle to just keep myself from not killing myself and my loved ones took horrible advantage of my weakness while I was vulnerable. THEY WERE MEAN AND UNLOVING AND TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME. I was so STRONG and yeah for me, but DAMN IT ALL TO HELL, why can't I ever let my guard down. Anyone sees a weakness and they take such full advantage of me. Take all my kindness and use it against me. It's not fair. There is nowhere to hide and nowhere to go. I can't trust anyone. I can never rest.
Here I step out of complete migraine hell and then I step into this nightmare. I did not see it coming. I'm scared of tomorrow. Just more pain, either emotional of physical.
I'm a really nice person. Or am I?
Nothing makes sense.
Angela
Replies
Angela,
We love you. Wishing you a better 2012.
Hugs,
David.
Angela hon, I know for absolutely certain that you are a good and loving and caring person. I know that because you are my friend and you have shown all of that to me. As I have already told you, I so admire the strength that you found in yourself, that allowed you to DO THE RIGHT THING for yourself and your sons... and throw your partner out. Yes, you may have upset some Christmas plans... but you have freed yourself and your sons from abuse and from being taken advantage of. It\'s never an easy thing for a woman to do... but you had the strength and the courage to make a stand when it needed to be done. I so admire you my friend. Your family sounds very toxic... have you done any therapy to look at those issues and the dynamics at play there? It certainly sounds like you could benefit, if you have been dealing with similar stuff for most of your life. I bet with a little help and support you could stand up for yourself against them also. I think you would feel a great deal of weight lifting from your shoulders, if you started to stand up for yourself within the family unit. It\'s not something that happens overnight, but with some commitment to change you could carve out a whole new role for yourself in the family... as I have done for myself with the help of my therapist. I don\'t think you should try and push any of that anger down sweetie... it is a real emotion that you are entitled to feel under the circumstances. Remember the line from that movie \"I\'m as mad as hell, and I\'m not going to take it any more\". I think it\'s time for you to not take it any more... and to build the life that you truly do deserve.
Sending lots of love and hugs for you hon... take care... Gaye... xxx
Angela I had no idea how much hell you\'ve been going through, I\'m so sorry I haven\'t been here for you sooner. I can relate to your pain both physically and emotionally. Your a wonderful person Angela and it\'s not fair at all. I\'ll pray for change and strength for you and your family. I\'m here all the time if you ever want to talk please holler at me.
Happy New Years Hugs,
Marci
it is dificult reading what you have riten here in your jurnal it hits closs to home .................i agree with........... gtk...........i belive counceling would do you a lot of gpood all that anger has to come out you cant keep it in because it will just fester like a sliver does and when it comes out it will be a mess ...........you will be a mess ................i can feel the anger in you the tiredeness ...............this is the time to take that second breath and look for the help you need to get you through this time seeing a phyciatrist would be agood idia to you say you are not depresed but it could still have a great benifit for you.....................at this point the more you talk about your problems the better becase you are getting emotion out little by little ................i got in to trouble because i didnt let eneything out ever and i took a breakdowen when i was 32.i had to go to hospital...........at first i couldent talk but once i started i didnt stop.it is a big part of my recovery ..............do you right a jurneal other than this one even more detailed it might be also good for you .................that also helped me and no one was alowed to see it not even till this day ..................an i look at what i rote sometimes and i cant belive ware my mind was back than ......................i am happy that your migrains have improved at .........i think you are a nice person thats why you are in this situation someone who wasent so nice would just tell everyone to shove ti and it wouldent bother them one bit ...............you care to deaply..................i will keep you in my prayers and i hope that i did not upset you by eneything i have said ............god bless