so alone
I didn't want to add this to Rocker's memory... today as before, i have the feeling that i am all alone and that there is no place in my childs heart... even though i go through things with my children and i am a rock for them, i have an open door for them, i am alone. i feel that i am only wanted when there is something to get out of me. i wish that i could feel valuable to someone. i feel all the pain but no happiness. i keep hoping that it will come but it doesn't. what is my worth? why am i still here? would someone miss me if i was gone? for how long? i sit and look at my life and there is nothing, just nothing. when a mother tries to be everything for her children, why?? why do they make me feel so unwanted. they shrug away when i try to hug them... am i just hurting from what has happened today...i see the same treatment after nattie died. all i can ask is why. i wish i could move so far away, it wouldn't hurt so bad if i wasn't here to see it under my nose. i wish i could go to live with nattie and rocker. or maybe they would make me feel so unwanted...i need to go do my laundru but i think that i will stay home in a dark room and cry....all alone....like usual
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