So...
Well, I'm struggling (duh!) with Anxiety/Depression, and I'm having a hard time getting out of it.
Basic Bio: just north of Portland, Maine, 44, married thirteen years, currently unemployed. February 2015 I was fired from my corporate job of twelve years for bogus reasons. Tailspin! September 2015 I returned to U Maine Augusta after twenty years and finally completed my Bachelor's in Jazz and Professional Music, Sonic Arts (audio recording and film-making) concentration. (I was a working musician in Boston in the early 00s) So now I'm struggling to find a day job and trying to figure out how to make art that helps others heal.
And for a lot of the past two years I've been flattened by Anxiety/Depression. Like, basic self-care suffering, irrational thoughts, irrational fear that I'll push away my loved-ones as a result (I do know I'm loved and supported - more on this in a sec), bouts of ...wait for it... self-medication!, going to bed at 5:00-6:00 PM... I have two friends whom I know I can reach out to, and I am doing my best.
I've always toed the line between self-destruction and self-preservation. Self-destruction: said bouts of failing self-care, not being able to push away the irrationals, over-analyzing and over-EXPLAINING everything, etc. Self-preservation: highly skilled at checking myself out and making changes (hence me being here!), optimism, belief that everything will get better, accepting that I'm loved and supported. But again, lately realizing these gifts has ceded more to self-destruction.
So I'm stuck in a bad loop, and I'm tired of doing it "alone". I could use some mutual support.
So I'm here...
Replies
Have you read "Candide" by Voltaire? it's a really short novella but it's got a great 'moral' to the story. Everything is Best. That's what Candide thinks. Every thing is the best possible thing. Every event is the best possible event.
it's a really fun hat to try on for size. And it changes your entire outlook. I've been bullied, brainwashed, abused, interfered with, sidelined, etc etc etc (sorry, I find this kind of comment painfully tacky) but once I worked out it was the best thing that could have happened...
Well hell. You have to work to make it BECOME the best thing that ever could have happened. How the heck do you do that?
There's the fun part of the game. it's not quite the glad game, I find that tinny and trite. But it's a second cousin to it that's for sure. What can I get out of this life experience that I could not have got out of any other?
Apply it to everything. Including your depression and anxiety. What can I learn from this? How can I make this experience useful?
Become a scientist and become your own guinea pig. Measure yourself and your reactions. Investigate what is setting you off. Try different things. Make little tests for yourself "I will not say sorry for two weeks." Or "I will not say the word "I" or "ME' for a week"
Try these two for starters. Not on here obviously, but irl. Don't describe yourself, don't talk about yourself, don't explain yourself. See what happens next. Does the sky fall? Do you die?
You've got into a pattern of self-subjugation. And the omega male always has anxiety. Severe anxiety. If you want to stop that kind of anxiety, you have to stand a bit taller. It's the dynamic you're putting yourself into that's creating the outcomes. It's not even you. It's just stuff you're doing.
Anyway try that. It'll give you a hobby, and it'll distance you from the anxiety.
Yet-another fresh perspective, thanks! Yes, I'm fortunate enough that my self-preservation streak has kept me head-above and aware of how good I have it, and that I've been making progress lo these many years. It's all cyclical: great to read reminders such as these that what goes around....
No.. not how good you have it. No! Nothing of the sort. :) But rather 'how this terrible shit awful ghastly thing that has just happened to me is the best thing for me.'
It's an essay in contortionism. :D Now to turn a sow's ear into a silk purse.
... it's a hobby. :D It's amazing how often you can manage it, too. rofl.
Cheerfully rephrased...