Small Things
Today was my first say back at school, and I swear everyone pissed me off. It was the kind of day where you sit with your headphones glued to your ears and the music stuck on blast so no one talks to you. On the plus side, I planned out a sick ass project for my painting class. Angry and sadness does make the best art. I went to beauty school after that and still all the little annoying preppy ass girls got on my nerves. One of the pedicures I had today was a cute little old couple, so they cheered me up.
Everyone at my high school and beauty school were asking me where I have been. I just said I've been out, which made me kind of upset. I don't even have the courage to say it was my skin, or my body, or the fact that I tried to kill myself last week. I stopped covering my scars today at home. They are healing well, but I don't think my mind is. I still look at them and think about how I botched my own suicide, and how much I want out. But I know better than to do anything stupid again. It was weird to notice the scars when I grabbed for things or moved my arms to have them show.
I missed my internship yesterday because I didn't want to get out of bed. I faked a cough and everything . How pathetic, right? I went to talk to the manager today to plan out my schedule for march, and they offered me a receptionist job until I get my license for nail technician in June, then I'll be with the nails girls. I walk around the spa and salon every day I intern and I never thought about it until now, but that is my future, that is my career, and I will even be working there for some time. And it made me excited. It was a good thought and I liked that.
On a side note, I was driving to school but took a different road and saw they are opening a Chick-fli-a by my house (the closest one is 45 minutes away) and I don't eat other fast food junk. I just about had a heart attack because I got so excited. Sometimes it really is the small things that count.
Along with the small things, I went to my dad's and he gave me a valentines day gift. Every year it is always something random but I love it. This year he got me duct tape, but the special thing was the duct tape is hot pink zebra print. He saw it and said it reminded him of me. My dad and I do not have that relationship, so I was touched that he thought that. And at the fact he remembered everything I own is pink or zebra print.
I have one lesion under my arm that has been open for an ongoing 11 days, which is unheard of for me. The usually close and stop leaking within hours. I might go to the doctor, but I will probably just let it go on its own. I have multiple lesions I feel building under the skin. I am trying hot compresses but they are already there. It sucks. I think my mind has been so clouded and I've been emotionally drained, I haven't even been noticing my skin as much, which I guess could be good. When I notice my skin, I tend to pick and squeeze, so maybe I should try to ignore it. The pain doesn't really go away, like it hasn't in years, yet I still hope one day I will know what it is like to not have the pain. I have had the pain and lesions for almost half my life. The part of my life that I actually remember, so I would kill to know what its like to not be sick, to not be sad, to not be in pain.
Everyone at my high school and beauty school were asking me where I have been. I just said I've been out, which made me kind of upset. I don't even have the courage to say it was my skin, or my body, or the fact that I tried to kill myself last week. I stopped covering my scars today at home. They are healing well, but I don't think my mind is. I still look at them and think about how I botched my own suicide, and how much I want out. But I know better than to do anything stupid again. It was weird to notice the scars when I grabbed for things or moved my arms to have them show.
I missed my internship yesterday because I didn't want to get out of bed. I faked a cough and everything . How pathetic, right? I went to talk to the manager today to plan out my schedule for march, and they offered me a receptionist job until I get my license for nail technician in June, then I'll be with the nails girls. I walk around the spa and salon every day I intern and I never thought about it until now, but that is my future, that is my career, and I will even be working there for some time. And it made me excited. It was a good thought and I liked that.
On a side note, I was driving to school but took a different road and saw they are opening a Chick-fli-a by my house (the closest one is 45 minutes away) and I don't eat other fast food junk. I just about had a heart attack because I got so excited. Sometimes it really is the small things that count.
Along with the small things, I went to my dad's and he gave me a valentines day gift. Every year it is always something random but I love it. This year he got me duct tape, but the special thing was the duct tape is hot pink zebra print. He saw it and said it reminded him of me. My dad and I do not have that relationship, so I was touched that he thought that. And at the fact he remembered everything I own is pink or zebra print.
I have one lesion under my arm that has been open for an ongoing 11 days, which is unheard of for me. The usually close and stop leaking within hours. I might go to the doctor, but I will probably just let it go on its own. I have multiple lesions I feel building under the skin. I am trying hot compresses but they are already there. It sucks. I think my mind has been so clouded and I've been emotionally drained, I haven't even been noticing my skin as much, which I guess could be good. When I notice my skin, I tend to pick and squeeze, so maybe I should try to ignore it. The pain doesn't really go away, like it hasn't in years, yet I still hope one day I will know what it is like to not have the pain. I have had the pain and lesions for almost half my life. The part of my life that I actually remember, so I would kill to know what its like to not be sick, to not be sad, to not be in pain.
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