Small Steps

I've been unable to control myself completely as of late... I hate it.  It makes me hate myself.  I've taken steps forward and have slowed my use, but I find myself unable to stop completely...  I even have a helpful friend now, someone who provides me with support and seems willing to talk to me about my issues... but I'm too ashamed of my habits and embarrassed about what it entails to discuss it with anyone personally.  I know that this addiction is one of the main reasons I feel disgust with myself... in fact, I believe it to be the only reason, and I think that everything else I dislike about myself stems from this one problem.  I know what I have to do, so why do I find it so difficult?  Knowing what I know now... I think I will try to shield my kids (if I ever have any) from pornography for as long as possible, especially internet pornography.  I think that I saw porn at too young an age and became accustomed to it.  It never seemed weird looking at it growing up, and the internet catered to my ever-changing interests, providing me with a seemingly endless supply of anything the mind could imagine.  Now I have trouble just simply not looking at it... this is not healthy... I know this... and yet, here I am.   I want to be better, I truly do... but words can only go so far I guess.